Kristen Stewart’s Performance in Jenny Lewis’ “Just One Of The Guys,” Annotated

God bless all of you lovely dryads for sending me this video a thousand times today. “I’m not sure if you’ve seen this yet…” “Just putting this here…” “HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW KSTEW VIDEO” (no one even bothers to mention Jenny Lewis, FITTINGLY.)

Other people, I believe, are in this music video. Anne Hathaway is in it, which I find unobjectionable. Possibly Brie Larson. It may even be that Jenny Lewis is in it; I couldn’t tell you. You don’t have to watch it if you don’t want to or if you forgot to bring your headphones to work; I’m going to walk you through the whole thing and I’m not going to leave your side.

First: the song. It’s…fine! Relaxing. A bit clever, maybe. I like the star-spangled Lisa Frank pantsuit the main girl wears. Let us move on to higher and grander things.

Screen Shot 2014-07-15 at 12.17.47 PMShades of Robert Palmer’s “Addicted To Love,” obviously. The Stewart Underbite is in full force here, to great effect. Something you might not have come to understand, if you are not a student of La Stewart as I am, is that she is one of the most misunderstood people in the world. Everything you found objectionable about her in the Twilight films — and you found her objectionable; I have read the internet — was the result of a lion being forced to wear housecat drag. She was made to pursue, not to be pursued; she was made to lean exquisitely against walls and wear men’s trousers and take women by the chin and kiss them fully on the mouth. She takes, she is not taken. She was more Joan Jett in The Runaways than Joan Jett ever was. Heterosexuality cannot contain her; neither can this white suit.

When she bites her lower lip, planets wink out of existence, such is her power.

Screen Shot 2014-07-15 at 12.18.22 PMAt about 1:55 in the video, Kristen Stewart drags the underside of her hand against her throat in the most perfectly masculine gesture I have ever seen. It caused me to black out for several minutes.

Screen Shot 2014-07-15 at 12.19.20 PM“Why doesn’t Kristen Stewart smile more?”

what have you ever done in your miserable, craven waste of an existence, you useless and unlovely sack of air, to make her smile, is the real question

the power of her smile is so great that you would crumble into ash if she ever directed one at you

the world is not ready to see Kristen Stewart smile. We would all be purified and pass from our mortal bodies in an instant.

Screen Shot 2014-07-15 at 12.20.22 PMThis isn’t directly related to Kristen Stewart, but it’s very charming when all the girls ape that strange male half-hug/chest bump just before the three-minute mark. There are a lot of jump-kicks.

Screen Shot 2014-07-15 at 12.20.49 PMAt roughly 2:35, Kristen Stewart waggles her eyebrows in suggestive delight at the viewer, then beckons to herself as if to say “Me? You? You? Me? Is this happening? Let’s make this happen.” Kristen Stewart contains more drollery in the crook of her little finger than you have in your entire miserable carcass.

You are a piece of shit and I hate you. I would cheerfully slide a knife across your eyelids to spend three-quarters of a minute looking at Kristen Stewart’s neck from a respectful distance.

Screen Shot 2014-07-15 at 12.22.52 PM[Werner Herzog voice] What people fail to understand, of course, is that Kristen Stewart is inherently playful, a natural comic; her facial and verbal tics are miscohnstruuuhed by those who mistake reserve for seriousness.

Screen Shot 2014-07-15 at 12.25.00 PMHer jawbone was carved out of the white and silent stone of the bottom of the Rhine. A thousand men died to craft it. A thousand more will die before it leaves the earth forever.

Screen Shot 2014-07-15 at 12.25.37 PMKristen Stewart slouches like the half-human offpsring of Lord Apollo and a panther. She is a sexual murderer, and you have never understood her, not even a little bit, not even once.

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