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Home: The Toast

1. Tell her she’ll never get really ripped with that kind of diet.

2. Watch her from a distance and wonder how she’s even able to walk around, let alone do Box Jumps, on legs that haven’t had beef in a decade. When your buddy sees you spacing out, say loudly that you love a Clean Snatch. Do one, just to prove your point.

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3. Ditto with Thrusters.

4. Ask her if she’s ever met any cute, fuzzy animals while she’s foraging for nuts and berries.

5. Ask her if she wants to get all-you-can-eat-wings at BW3’s. When she rolls her eyes, remind her that chicken isn’t meat.

6. Sing the song from that one Simpsons episode about how you don’t make friends with salad.
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7. Ask her if she gets any of her protein from dairy and when she says yes, grab a pair of Kettlebells and do a Farmer’s Walk while chanting only baby cows drink milk.

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8. Start a sentence with, “Since the dawn of time, humans have…” Forget what you were going to say, something about Paleo. Climb the Rope.

9. When you can’t keep hold of the rope because you’re all sweaty, point out that your sweat smells like bacon, sweet, sweet bacon. Ignore the grossed-out look on her face and move toward the display of energy drinks so she can get a good look at your calves. Calves. Veal. Make a mental note to tell her she’s really missing out on veal, but figure it’s too soon on the heels of the other baby cow comment. Flex your calves.

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10. Ask her why she wasn’t at the nutrition seminar. When she doesn’t stop rowing to answer, excuse yourself and then go over to your cubby to procure a Tupperware container full of ground lamb and scrambled eggs. Take a big bite. Do not gag. If you need to gag, turn around so she can’t see you. Realize she was not looking anyway.

11. Ask her if she wants to snap into a Slim Jim.

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Marcy Campbell has published humor pieces in The Awl and The McSweeney's Internet Tendency. Recent fiction appears in The Rumpus. Marcy writes in a closet and blogs as The Closet Creative.

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