Summer Must-Not-Haves: A Guide

1. Misshapen $9.95 blouse from H&M purchased without trying on and incapable of entertaining more than one breast at a time

2. Set of faded beach towels with name labels sewn in from summer camp featuring a) butterflies b) dolphins c) sunset or d) all of the above

3. Inner thigh friction and other jort-related injuries, including but not limited to severe camel toe requiring gynecological intervention

4. Stranger’s beach hair nestled gently against your collarbone for entire duration of outdoor concert

5. One hungry nocturnal mosquito trapped in your bedroom; 3.2 hours of sleep, ensuing psychosis

6. Proustian Norwegian memoirs

7. Strep throat contracted from $22 tester lipsticks resulting in $77 urgent care tab

8. Ill-conceived summer “fling” with windowless-bedroom-dweller/relentless spooner

9. Vintage cruiser stuck in the lowest gear: a little rusty, still cute enough to attract thieves

10. Unclouded knowledge of hot dog ingredients

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