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Home: The Toast

1. Enrolled in the Head Start Program

2. Wore invisible spandex to discourage opponents from riding in their slipstream

3. Funded mountaintop removal mining 

4. Neglected to hand signal before turning

5. Failed to declare winnings on tax returns

6. Competed via hologram from a SoulCycle studio

7. Tattooed yellow jersey on torso   

8. Conspired against the King of the Mountains 

9. Infected rival’s power meter with the Stuxnet virus

10. Infected rival with Bordetella pertussis 

11. Infected rival with an infectious enthusiasm for lawn chairs

12. Photobombed the podium

13. Cuckolded one of the redoubtable Luxembourgian brothers, Frank and Andy Schleck (preferably Frank)

14. Bribed an opposing team’s domestique with two free water bottles and an HBO GO password  

15. Hypnotized the peloton

16. Seceded from the International Cycling Union during a breakaway

17. Got out of the saddle and into a car

18. Stole every extant copy of the race route

19. Dodged a drafter

20. Read Timothy Ferriss’ “The 4-Hour Tour de France Champion”

21. Just relaxed and were themselves…on steroids, EPO or human growth hormone 

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Matt Seidel is a writer living in Durham, NC. His articles can be found here.

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