John Leavitt’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.

18. Tennessee Williams – Tried to open eye drop bottle with teeth, choked on cap.

17. Joe Orton – Bludgeoned to death by partner during domestic dispute.

16. Jean-Paul Sartre – Infected papercut.

15. Arthur Miller – Frowned for too long, too deep.

14. Noël Coward – Appeared in public without an ascot.

13. Samuel Beckett – Looked back, became pillar of salt.

12. T. S. Eliot – Shrinking sickness.

11. Oscar Wilde – Smothered by rain of flower petals.

10. Bertolt Brecht – Just vanished into the darkness one day. Just poof – gone.

9. Molière – Giants.

8. Lillian Hellman – Executed by Nazis, replaced with robot duplicate.

7. Eugene O’Neill – Gunned down in bank heist.

6. Anton Chekov – Failed to fire gun at right time.

5. Henrik Ibsen – Carried away by large, monstrous swan after visiting aunt.

4. Euripides – Dramatic Irony.

3. Christopher Marlowe – Syphilis from visiting time travelers.

2. Graham Greene – His old nemesis, The Red Spider Of Stalingrad.

1. William Shakespeare – Ran afoul of the Fairy Queen, cursed with a mortal life.