The Toast is growing. Would you like to grow with us? We’re looking for someone to join us part-time in a mostly assistant editor capacity, with the burgeoning hope and fond longing that this could become an EXCITING FULL-TIME OPPORTUNITY within a year.
Some things we are looking for:
– Someone who would enjoy the idea of becoming a part of The Toast
– Someone with some experience writing/editing/Wordpressing. You do not have to have years and years of experience. Also, I dunno, maybe a really great physicist will feel like abandoning their challenging and lucrative field for hanging out with us, and I’ll be so blown away that I totally change my mind, so like, just apply if you’re a generally capable and competent person who can express themselves in writing.
– I’m probably forgetting something
Some things we will ask of you:
– About 12-15 hours of work a week, at first. Like…9-noonish on weekdays? Does that add up to roughly 15 hours? Yeah, it does. We can revisit this as our coffers swell with doubloons and the ship’s hold groans with the weight of our labor, but let’s start with that.
– Managing the master freelance schedule
– Creating and managing author accounts in WordPress
– Copyediting and comment moderation
– Light blogging, if you so desire
– That’s all I can think of right now
Some things we can offer you:
– A FLEXIBLE HOURLY RATE
– The complete and permanent absence of a male boss
– The promise of EXCELSIOR
Miscellany:
You do not have to live in New York. No one ever has to live in New York.
Applicants who are queer and/or trans and/or of color and/or awesome are particularly encouraged to apply.
Interested parties would do well to send a CV and a friendly note to [email protected]. I will be looking at applications until August 15th (you guys are sending in a lot of applications! Good for you, but I’m going to close the window a bit earlier so I don’t have to write 500 emails) so scrape up some credentials and fling them at me.
I pledge to you now that I won’t do that thing where someone says “Thanks, we’ll be in touch” and then they’re never in touch and they hire someone else. I mean, obviously I will only hire one person, I can’t hire all of you, but I will tell you in a reasonable time frame so that you can move on with your life. That was something that I hated when I was looking for work and now that I have MILD HIRING POWER I hope to do my part to break the cycle.
Tags: hiring, join us, meta, the quest for the third heat, toast can’t really grow but you know what i mean
I am personally guaranteeing to write more for the site if someone awesome comes along to deal with creating author accounts and WordPressing and such!
Oh my god oh my god oh my god
SECONDED
that is exactly what I say about it
Damn this already-existing-full-time job of mine.
always getting in my way…
I suppose it’s more like, “Damn this mortgage due to which I cannot leave this already-existing-full-time job of mine.”
Well, if we want to get uncomfortably close to the truth, mine is “Damn my desire for significant financial stability, which has held me back from seemingly fun and challenging jobs.”
Maybe one day I’ll free-lance/become an independent consultant, but not today… -_-;
Same here.
My already existing full time job is missing all of the things that The Toast is offering. All of them!
Damn my already existing full time job managing WordPress.
Right? I’m finally living my dream of having one full-time (almost-ish) job, rather than one part time job and lots of freelance editing, but here comes the Toast to remind me of what could have been.
I’m actually pretty happy to have this problem.
I would do this in a heartbeat if I had the skills. But since I don’t, I am legitimately excited for you that you have the capacity to hire someone! 🙂 This makes my cold little heart happy.
If I had any control over comment moderation I’m sure I would go MAD WITH POWER (over trivial nonsense).
“Oh, you don’t think Donna Noble is the best Doctor Who companion forever and ever, amen? BANNED FOREVER”
What are you all staring at? Do you think I’ve gone mad, mad with power? Well you’re RIGHT.
MARTHA JONES
See, aren’t you glad I’m not in charge of anything?
Martha would not get you banned, during my dictatorship. Instead, you’d get to stay and we could honorably fight to the death using our agreed upon weapons of choice (Morning stars? Shurikens? Sonic screwdrivers, if we must). The first person to mention a body of water, however, get what’s coming to them.
I’d like Martha a lot more if she didn’t spend half her season moon eyed over the doctor.
I would rather watch ‘the Martha Jones show’ than ‘the Donna noble show’ but as a companion: Donna4lyfe
I want a spin-off that’s just all the companions teaming up to save the world while the Doctor’s off having another existential crisis.
*whispers* amy pond
The one with the baseball bat in the eighties.
*whispers* I refuse to watch Ten for unknown grudge reasons, so I’m with you.
Martha or Donna are acceptable answers.
Donna Noble Forever. (Hand on heart.)
I am worried that to be a professional comment moderator one must give up the joys of being a dick in the comments as a private citizen. I am prepared to make that sacrifice if I have to but it would be awfully hard.
The episode that barely has the doctor and Donna and Rose team up and save the world the stubbornness and sass is the best (minus the super racist bits in the frame story).
Television has taught me that all assistants/clerical workers/secretaries named Donna are THE BEST.
Donna Noble on Doctor Who.
Donna Moss on West Wing.
Donna Paulsen on Suits.
Donna the secretary on that one episode of Elementary, who kept murdering executives so her boss could keep getting promoted, but then she framed her boss for those murders, and oh so coincidentally his replacement would need a new secretary…
The tags are completely wrong. Toast can grow! Toast can grow mold.
LIFE-SAVING MOLD
Is there anything more tragic than a far-fetched dream fluttering into the realm of possibility, but hovering just out of your reach?
Seriously this post is just going to break a bunch of hearts.
Yes. I just got rejected from the second round of interviews for what would maybe possibly but not really because that would break my heart have been my dream job. And this is like pouring lemonade and hot sauce on the wound!
I’d apply, but as a straight white dude, I’m pretty sure I’d just get a Wodehouse quote in reply.
Which might be worth it…
Let me state, for legal purposes, that it would be illegal for us not to welcome male applicants and consider them on an equal basis with female applicants, however distasteful the idea might seem.
this combined with mallory’s reply directly below have made me double over with laughter.
I CAN GUARANTEE THAT YOU WOULD
God I love the difference in your and Nicole’s replies.
mallory we’re trying to be legal here
Aren’t y’all small enough that you can discriminate? Legally? Any attorneys around to answer that?
I mean, if a fucking corporation can deny me birth control because of the corporation’s* religious beliefs, it seems like a three, almost four employee website can say, “Straight white dudes need not apply” and not expect anyone to be able to legally* bitch.
*All words in italics are implied sneers.
Yes we are.
But we still don’t discriminate against desks or any office furniture for that matter.
DOES THIS MEAN I GOT THE JOB AS A DESK?
This warms the misandrist cockles of my little black charcoal briquette of a heart.
But Nick, wouldn’t the Chicago Human Rights Ordinance, which I believe has no jurisdictional threshold, apply to Chicago applicants? (I hope some day to be assigned to research this question.)
Good point! And maybe, but I don’t know if we have minimum contacts there anymore. Any way, I don’t need to worry because we are not discriminating. Mallory’s jokes are jokes.
Thanks for humoring my musings!
http://skin-horse.com/comic/think-hed-seen/
The problem staff is furniture until the end of the quarter.
this isn’t legal advice BUT depending on the state that you’re incorporated in, sexuality/gender identity may not be a protected class, meaning that you are free to discriminate against the hets and the cis
Well now you’ve convinced me I have to apply, too.
Is there maybe a service I can sign up for where I just get personalized-yet-impersonal snark from Mallory, maybe by email? Or would that require constant submission of sub-par writing and resumes?
Perhaps you could buy a Wodehouse book, and open it at random as need be?
I’m sure you make wonderful coffee.
Or a desk. He could always be a desk.
Ha! As if you can just pawn off that position on someone else. Silly Nick.
I would make a good, if unsightly, desk.
I wonder what sort of quote I’d get as a queer white dude. (With a flexible full-time job that already allows for a lot of time spent reading The Toast? And current WP editing experience??)
Oh, if only I could afford to quit my job for this. In another life, maybe.
AH AH AH WHAT
I am making a Tina Belcher noise in my head right now, but with a slightly more excited and slightly less anxious lilt
Dammit! No WordPress experience. But I learn software interfaces so fast. Willing to go unpaid during training. And to travel as often as desired on my own dime.
yeah I mean don’t let that shit hold you back from applying if you feel qualified about the rest of it, WordPress is pretty simple to learn
Bless you.
How would you feel about getting two awesome queer ladies for the price of one? I am an excellent copyeditor and could do comment moderation, and my wife would be fantastic at the blogging and organizing parts.
It’s great that you can hire someone! Congratulations!
Can you really play the theremin or was that just a joke for the piece?
I can! I would probably have to play it from 1 until 4 rather than from 9 until noon, though.
(Seriously, if we could apply as a team we’d be pretty great. And our finances are combined anyway, so there wouldn’t be any awkwardness there.)
Is it awful that the prospect of even the promise of receiving communication after I apply that you’ve chosen to go with someone else makes me want to cry from happiness? SO MANY RESUMES INTO THE INTERNET ABYSS.
omg omg omg
I am all over the WordPress. And the moderation hammer. And the not living in New York. And the light blogging. And especially the EXCELSIOR.
(polishes resume)
Ideally, you are more of a Bert than an Ernie, by the way. Mallory is an Ernie, and I am an Ernie acting in a Bert capacity, and it’s very taxing, so I would relish the opportunity to work with a true Bert.
It’s an interesting exercise, by the way, to see if you are both a Bert AND an Ernie in different relationships in your life. Like, I’m definitely Mallory’s Bert, but I’m the Ernie in my marriage. Probably the Bert to my best EVERYWHERE friend, but an Ernie to my best Utah friend?
I’m a Bert pretty much all the time, with the exception of my significant other. I trust him him enough that I can Ernie with him to catch me in a Bert-hold.
Oh, definitely. Amongst Berts I am Ernie, amongst Ernies I am Bert. But mostly I think I’m Prairie Dawn, because I don’t really lose my cool when I’m surrounded by madness like Bert, but I am definitely a bit of a killjoy when there’s a job that needs to be done. I love planning ahead more than anything ever, but sometimes a monster tries to eat your set or forgets a line in your pageant and you have to roll with it, you know?
I <3 Prairie Dawn
BRB, embroidering ‘Amongst Berts I am Ernie, amongst Ernies I am Bert” on a pillow
Ernie, checking in! 😀
I’m married to an Ernie, so we take turns doing our best Bert impersonations. It works out okay.
ERNIE4EVER.
I’m a work-Bert and a home-Ernie.
…
…
…
…
OKAY FINE: Bert in the streets, Ernie in the sheets.
In case anyone needs more clarification as to that taxonomy: http://thebillfold.com/2014/06/being-the-bert/
Comparing people to Berts and Ernies? PLAGIARIST! 😉
(this is of course re: the True Detective discussion and not meant to be taken seriously at all, please do not sue me for defamation)
We call them Betties and Wilmas (like the Flinstones?) but the idea’s the same. I will forever greet my one friend who identifies in the same way with “Betties forever!”
Oh, jeez, I am totally a Bert. But I already have a (n almost) full-time job being a Bert, and don’t know how to use wordpress. Sigh.
I am a Rabbit, married to a Tigger. I think that might be close to what you’re after.
I’m not 100% Bert. I would say I’m 65% Bert and 35% Grover. To be fair, that’s probably the most Bert a non-muppet could likely handle.
I’m sending in an application, but you’ll probably prefer to hire an American for tax reasons.
Do you..do you have to be American? I need a part-time job, and then a full-time one in a year or so. I have a stupidly flexible schedule. My only skills are in words and WordPress. Please say one needn’t be American.
QUESTION FOR NICK. I’ll ask.
We could make arrangements. To be very clear, it’s a remote job but we need access to you during our work hours. If you live in Great Britain say, that means it’s 8 or 9 hours ahead of our western US time zones. And that is not fun. I leave it to your discretion.
Ugh, I would be SO good at this job, and am also deeply insomniac, but I feel like the little team of doctors who have been working on getting me to sleep like a regular human might be furious with me. CONSIDERING.
You have a little team of doctors for that? Here in the US, without the NHS, we have to treat insomnia the old-fashioned way: old-fashioneds topped with Nyquil until you fall over.
Pros of living in England: two psychiatrists, three psychotherapists and a GP all trying to fix you, for free. Cons of living in England: trickier to work for the Toast.
Shunning traditional employment opportunities to work for The Toast was the smartest thing I have ever done. ~ a Current Toast Employee
Love you.
Aaah… if only. You probably have to be in the USA though, right?
(I mean, not that I’m remotely qualified anyway, but, ya know)
I”m so glad that you guys are expanding! Also, I wanted to congratulate Nicole on her Bert-ness – you’ve done an excellent job convincing us, but I’m glad you’re going to be able to be more comfortable as an Ernie.
I want this more than anything but looking at the list of people interested I’ve immediately sunk into a mire of, “Well, there are already way too many people who are cooler than me in the mix, so I’ll just sit over here and sigh heavily.”
I realize this is idiotic but IT’S THAT KIND OF DAY.
I’m so glad you’re getting big and bad enough to hire more people, Nicole and Mallory! May The Toast one day rise up and smite all male-owned publications to the dirt!
Right?? I am beyond excited for Nicole and Mallory and Nick and Maria and The Toast in general that is has grown enough to expand!
Linette, I absolutely think you should apply! Especially if it means more Linette posts will show up on The Toast!
Alas, it is a dream that can never be.
♫ And there are stooooorms we cannot weaaaatherrrrrrr! ♫
it’s really cool you’re expanding, but it’s fairly disappointing you aren’t offering a full-time position that will support the applicant without requiring them to have a secondary source of income
Yeah, it is a bummer! I do wish that we could offer that kind of compensation and work for someone. We can’t right now. I’m frankly amazed we’re able to support ourselves (Nick, Nicole and self, plus our part-time tech goth Maria) after a single year, given that we started completely from scratch with absolutely zero outside funding and assistance. Hopefully we can spin this into a full-time gig within about six months. As it is, I’m incredibly proud that we’re able to pay our freelancers AND hire a third person before our second birthday.
That’s incredibly impressive, seriously.
Though I think it is cool that they didn’t decide to offer this as an unpaid internship, which they almost certainly could have done.
Can I just say, as someone who lives in New York, that I really appreciate your commitment to non-New York writers? I just really get sick of reading stuff written by people living in NY. Boooring. And while I’m on a roll, I also appreciate your commitment to finding non-Writer with a capital W writers, ya know? Like, just because you are good at writing does not mean your life is worth writing about. Ok the word writer is now starting to look weird on the page so I’ll just stop there.
AGREE.
“I’ve read the MFA vs. NYC debates. Is it terrible to admit I found them boring?”
http://velamag.com/blog/neither-mfa-nor-nyc/
I have all this work, but I refuse to give up TOTAL CONTROL OVER SUBMISSIONS or doing link roundups, so what I’m super excited for is to forward emails and say “accept and process this piece” or “politely reject this piece” and then do a bunch of weighted lunges.
Please don’t ever relinquish the link roundups. I mean, I love that Mallory steps in to do one here and there, but yours are perfection.
Seconding. Your link round ups are frequently the only thing that gets me through my job of boredom and despair and being yelled at by doctors.
Okay, fine, if you’re just gonna post the perfect job for me in my present life, I guess I have no choice. (*tiny screams of excitement*
i want this so much. i can’t even joke about how much i want it is how much i want it
Can we travel back in time and have this job start last fall instead of this fall?
I have the WordPress and website stuff down, am organized to the nth degree, am proficient in proof/copyediting, but…have a full-time day job. I’m not sure it’s worth wasting the venerable hosts/editors time to apply. Are the hours firm, or could this be accomplished in the evenings, EST?
agreed; i have a full time but would be happy to dedicate night hours instead, if that’s feasible?
According to Upthread Nick: “To be very clear, it’s a remote job but we need access to you during our work hours.”
So probably firm, from the sounds of things.
Ah, didn’t see that from Nick. It makes sense, but will def conflict with my day job. Oh well, maybe one day when the empire is steaming along nicely, there will be room for one such as I…
Seriously, is there anyone who WOULDN’T “enjoy the idea of becoming a part of The Toast”?
Also, the fact that you will actually reply to people who apply is a big draw. Note to fellow job searchers – the federal government always replies to tell you that you’ve been rejected. Sometimes I’ll even get three or four (I think the record was SEVEN) rejections for the same job. Hooray for automation, I guess?
I got 15 once. For the same job. (This was a decade or more ago.)
I mean. Thanks?
I just got a rejection e-mail with a logo in the bottom proudly proclaiming the place that just refused me as “[stupid magazine]’s 2013 Best Places to Work!” Thanks so much, could I have some tequila and lime to go with that salt in my wound?
I got all of my PhD program rejection letters in one week. That week was spring break.
Wow. Seven rejections for one job. They really wanted you to know you didn’t get it, I guess! Ouch.
I’m gonna apply for this SO HARD. I’ll even make a vision board so I can put this on it.
DREAMS DO COME TRUE.
Although I am probably not qualified anyway, my personal priorities are nicely illustrated by my thought process here: OMG OMG -> Well, I guess I’ve only been training to be a scientist for like 14 years that’s not *that* long I could change careers -> Wait 9 am on the West Coast is 6 am here BYEEEE.
9 am on the west coast is noon on the east coast!!
You guys are awesome and I don’t want to waste your time, so do you think this is the kind of position that could coexist with being a student? I’m about to enter my last year of college and this sounds like such an amazing opportunity that I can’t resist asking.
If you can generally be available during our work hours, it should be coexistable. that is not a word
AN EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHES.
You do not need to live in New York.
UNICORN.
Honestly, it’s like every media job ever is New York or San Francisco, two places I never want to live ever.
“No one ever needs to live in New York” is the best thing I’ve ever seen in a job posting.
*casting runes or some witchy thing to increase my chances of being the lucky one*
I’m thinking of applying just for the personalized rejection email from Mallory.
Finally, an application where I won’t have to lie through my teeth about how much I love/obsess over Company A! I may not be quite awesome enough to get the job, but at least I’ll have a break from goddamned cover letters.
All that aside, I would enjoy the hell out of this job.
Speaking of The Toast as a business instead of idyllic misandrist haven:
What if you could not apply for this job, buuut the Toast had inspired you to ponder creating your own website that would probably have some overlap in areas of interest (misandry! making people laugh!) but enough of a different focus to seem worthwhile?
Because the hypothetical commenters hypothetically pondering this currently can’t decide if it would be perceived as homage or swagger-jacking, and really just want more Toast-like sites because apparently Nicole and Mallory need to sleep sometimes.
dude there is room on the internet for a million websites with similar themes, fucking GO NUTS
I feel like more is better, honestly. There is a lot of bad internet. More good internet would be well, more gooder.
Heh. I is a writer in case you couldn’t tell.
Sleep would imply that they are mortal, and not (obviously) immortal (misandrist) sorceresses.
Agree with Mallory, go nuts, and then tell us where your site is so we can go nuts too 🙂
I’m not remotely internetty or housed enough to do this (thought it would make a great story, how I had to by an iPhone to do my Toast work from nine to noon from my table at the homeless shelter), but genuinely thrilled that you’ve got sufficient traction to be hiring! PS-Nobody freak out, I have a place to stay for now. You go, Toast.
Thanks for humoring my musings!
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/92164591a3a800963272c0908728231f/tumblr_n6v7e6kriE1qcemd2o2_250.gif">
I am a physicist! I am not abandoning my challenging and currently-not-very-lucrative field for The Toast, though I will admit I have thought about it. I am… not sure I have 15 hours a week, but I might send you a resume for the hell of it. Mostly so I can send in a resume full of “did analysis of electron neutrino flux” for a writing job.
(also, in case the clarification was needed: I am a lady and not, like 90% of my compatriots in this field, a straight white dude.)
RELATEDLY, because I am trying to do toast-ish things on an Australian website (HERE IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED: no-award.net); I am interested in the toast’s funding model. ??? HOW DO YOU QUOKKAS MONEY.
I checked out your site, looks good 🙂 Also, who knew wombats could climb?!
hey, have you thought about Susie Cagle for this? She’s already got the misandry thing down: http://susie-c.tumblr.com/image/87243424820 Plus she’s, y’know, a really good writer and graphic artist and all that stuff.
Oh man, I wanted to apply for this, and then I remembered that I have a job that’s edging towards full-time. This is still relatively new, and therefore weird.
Sorry to threadjack to talk about how awesome it is to be employed and how I’m therefore not applying for this awesome job. The complete and permanent absence of a male boss is appealing, though.
I used to do this when I was pregnant/caring for very tiny babies and applying for work (fun fact: nobody wants to employ women who are pregnant or caring for tiny babies), and I’d think, ‘Oh, I can TOTALLY do nightfilling/hours of waiting tables/intensive gardening… oh wait. No, I can’t.’
But yay for a job! Especially one that’s edging towards fulltime. Being paid is rather fun.
I bought STRAWBERRIES the other day. Also blackberries and blueberries. It was crazy.
Aw, yay! Being able to afford delicious fruit is really one of life’s great pleasures 🙂
I have the skills, and the experience, and now I’m just building a machine to inject enough time in the day for me to able to take on a part time job in the wrong time zone in addition to my full time job in the correct one. IT CAN BE DONE.
This is exactly what I’ve been looking for. I’m all over it.
Oh, wait. I actually DO live in New York. This is awkward…
Should I not even bother applying?
How exciting a chance is this? So exciting I’m updating my CV from my hospital bed. (Nothing major, but it kept me out of commission all of Wednesday (edited to add: and Thursday? What day is this? I promise I’m very organized when not on a morphine drip), so this is the first I’m seeing it.) Congratulations on growing bigger, more powerful, and remaining unstoppable.
Yikes, I hope you’re out of hospital soon! And you should totally apply while on morphine, just for kicks! 😀
OOPS I LIED IT GOT PRETTY MAJOR
so i ended up writing my cover letter on a morphine drip
sounds legit
Oh, Toast! I’d apply, but well, hahaha. Plus the other very valid reason is that your 9am-noonish is my 9pm to midnightish and I just don’t think I can pull that off with the various interruptions I also get during the night (and the six am starts my children insist upon).
Good luck to the tributes applicants!
When you say you are going to close the window a bit earlier . . . is there an updated date for that, or a nebulous one, or is it already too late?
Aw, yay! Being able to afford delicious fruit is really one of life's great pleasures 🙂
Agree with Mallory, go nuts, and then tell us where your site is so we can go nuts too 🙂
I'm a work-Bert and a home-Ernie.
…
…
…
…
OKAY FINE: Bert in the streets, Ernie in the sheets.
OOPS I LIED IT GOT PRETTY MAJOR
so i ended up writing my cover letter on a morphine drip
sounds legit
I am so excited I found this blog from the job post!! Even if I get a beautifully personalized rejection letter, it was worth it.
I am so happy I found this blog from the job post!! Even if I get a beautifully personalized rejection letter it was worth it.
(PS – I am Bert… No unibrow, and a little more fun, but totally Bert to my Ernie.)
I’m working on my application right now and plan on submitting it tomorrow morning. Is this too late? Thanks!
Yep, applications are closed!
Funny! Traditional employment opportunities have tended to vigorously shun me (before I started working at an openly feminist domestic violence/relationship health advocacy hotline)! But I think that might have for, um… cis-temic reasons? *bah dum cha* but really. – a Prospective Toast Employee