Our Policy Regarding Negative Reviews At The Hotel California -The Toast

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Screen Shot 2014-08-11 at 9.42.56 PM“Union Street Guest House, located in Hudson, N.Y., recently warned that guests that book the venue for wedding or other types of events risk losing part of their deposit if they complained about the hotel online.”  Washington Post, August 4.

Welcome to the Hotel California. Please know that despite the fact that wedding couples love California and our hotel, your families and the pretty, pretty boys you call friends may not. This is due to the fact that your guests may not understand what we offer, and may be unsure whether their stay here is likely to be heaven or hell. Further, and this may be our fault, please assure them that our air is infused with the warm smell of colitas, or marijuana buds, and not colitis, or inflammation of the colon.

TCH & the dark desert highway region are historic. The buildings here are old (but remastered). Our rooms are designed to look old in a 1970s “retro” way. Yes, we find our way through the corridors by candlelight, but this provides more than enough illumination due to the mirrors on the ceiling. Many guests appreciate that THC is “a lovely place” that can be found here “any time of year,” unlike other hotels that may wander off during the spring or fall. If your guests are looking for a Holiday Inn type hotel, motel, they may prefer to drive off in a def OJ.

Before posting any negative comments on Yelp or other review sites, please dance to remember, not forget, what we do and do not promise. For instance, our bell captain endeavors to make it very clear that we have not had wine here since the unfortunate incident involving the moon landing, the Stonewall riots, the first IVF treatments and Chappaquiddick. We are sure you know what we are referring to.

On the other hand, we do serve pink champagne, which, come to think of it, is a type of wine, so scratch that.

In addition, THC rooms are fully appointed with linens, bath towels and basic toiletries, but you must provide your own alibis. Although some people find this an inconvenience, most have told us that it is “a nice surprise.” Perhaps you are here for a wedding or other type of event and are “living it up” with a bridesmaid. In any case, THC will not cover for you.

In short, THC is programmed to offer you a comfortable stay in an historic building with hip, period furniture. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave a negative review or there will be a $500 fine deducted from your deposit.

Update: The Hotel California has updated its Facebook page to say that it is not a real hotel but rather an allegory about self-indulgence in 1970s America. It requests that critics “take it easy.”

Daniel Radosh is a writer for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

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