Previously: Ayn Rand’s The Breakfast Club.
INFERIOR MAN: Hey.
ANDREA: Happy birthday. Nate, I’m so sorry. I kept trying to leave, but there was a lot going on. And, you know, I didn’t have a choice.
INFERIOR MAN: Don’t worry about it. I’m gonna go to bed.
ANDREA: You are a grown man with a demanding job of your own, yet you seek to punish me for missing several hours of a completely arbitrary event in order to excel in my chosen career?
INFERIOR MAN: I said don’t worry about it.
ANDREA: And you lack even the common manly courage to fight with me about this matter? You would rather slink off to bed, stinking of jealousy and defeat, than argue with the woman you call your mate? You are so lost to your higher self that you would resent me for my achievements, rather than celebrate them with me, sexually?
INFERIOR MAN: I guess.
ANDREA: You disgust me. You are not my sexual equal. You make expensive cheeses for idlers, triflers, and non-producers. I create value in a billion-dollar industry. Your good opinion is utterly meaningless. I will find myself a man who is a captain of industry and buys diamonds to wrap around my throat. You will die in squalid poverty, surrounded by greasy snacks. Good-bye forever.
INFERIOR MAN: Andrea, wait.
ANDREA [over her shoulder]: If you ever make something of value by yourself, take a picture and send it to me. My address will be the tallest skyscraper in the world.
***
JEALOUS COWORKER: I don’t care if she was gonna fire you or beat you with a red-hot poker! You should have said no.
ANDREA: That is an absurdity. What could Miranda possibly gain in beating me with a red-hot poker? Under the free market, there is no reason to exploit or mistreat the laborer. Doing so would go against one’s self-interest.
JEALOUS COWORKER: You should have said no.
ANDREA: You truly believe I should have allowed myself to be fired because you wanted to go on vacation to Paris?
JEALOUS COWORKER: That’s not how I would put it.
ANDREA: You deserved to be hit by that car. You have no sense of the value of others. I will go to Paris, and I will continue to surpass you professionally, and you will have no one to blame but yourself.
***
DEAD WEIGHT FRIEND: Who were you talking to?
ANDREA: Lily, he’s just a guy I know from work.
DEAD WEIGHT FRIEND: Yeah, that looked like work.
ANDREA: Are you truly suggesting I do not have the right to speak to talented, professional men in art galleries?
DEAD WEIGHT FRIEND: You know, the Andy I know is madly in love with Nate, is always five minutes early, and thinks, I don’t know, Club Monaco is couture. For the last 16 years, I’ve known everything about that Andy. But this person? This “glamazon” who skulks around in corners with some random hot fashion guy? I don’t get her.
ANDREA: Why should I remain static and frozen in the past simply because it is the Andrea you are the most used to? Is it not my obligation to learn about fashion if I work in the fashion industry? Should I purposely fail at my job in order to make you feel more comfortable in your own mediocrity?
DEAD WEIGHT FRIEND: I didn’t mean it like that —
ANDREA: If I recall, you were perfectly happy about my newfound knowledge of couture when I got you that Marc Jacobs bag. You appear to be carrying it now. Was this wrong of me?
DEAD WEIGHT FRIEND: I —
ANDREA: Be silent. I do not require explanations. I will never apologize for my newfound excellence. I will speak to whatever man I consider fit to talk to. And I would describe him as more “weirdly ugly-cute” than “hot.” He has no eyebrows.
DEAD WEIGHT FRIEND: Look, I’m —
ANDREA: If you can think of a better way to stand in a corner, I am happy to hear it. But I will not sacrifice myself for you. Perhaps someday you will learn that my success is not a threat to you unless you wish it to be.
***
MIRANDA: Andrea. Everybody wants this. Everybody wants to be us.
ANDREA: You are quite right. [Gets in the limo] Let us buy a helicopter, that we may float above the poor.
Tags: ayn rand, ayn rand rewrites, movies, objectivism, philosophy, the devil wears prada, this has been bugging me for eight years
YES.
I like this version much better. A+
It is disturbingly perfect.
SO GLAD I’m not alone in this. By the middle of the first conversation I was just thinking: “Wait. Isn’t this exactly how I wanted that movie to play out?” And then I worried that I was terrible, but here you are Toast People, confirming anew that this is truly the place that my soul loves.
I feel very … strange … to have enjoyed it so much. Just as you say, these are exactly the conversations the movie needed. My god, what I have become?
The degree of which this would be a better movie than the original is absurd.
Agreed, as long as this version also included Emily Blunt.
Emily Blunt Who Cannot Even.
And Cate Blanchett and Zhou Xun, wearing suits?
WAIT THAT WAS HER ALL ALONG? *weeps tears of genuine delight*
WOULD WATCH
“If you ever make something of value by yourself, take a picture and send it to me. My address will be the tallest skyscraper in the world.”
I have nothing to add except my heartfelt thanks.
Sincerely hope I have the courage to say this precise thing when the time comes (i.e., if my divorce from the starter husband is ever ever ever EVAR final).
I LIVE FOR THIS LINE!!! I shall imprint in my mind ready to use at the right moment! BRILLIANT!
Nate: A fashion magazine. What was it, a phone interview?
~ONE MONTAGE LATER~
Nate: I liked the old clothes.
Die in a kitchen fire Nate. Andy became too good for you and you knew it.
God I hate Nate.
Nate fucking pissed me off. I mean, here you are, complaining about your girlfriend’s busy lifestyle but you’re a chef? You work in kitchens in NYC and YOU’RE the one pissed off at people missing things? How the hell do you even notice when you’re working all the hours of all the days? How the FUCK did you even get your birthday off?
No man, you don’t get to complain about that. You’re lucky she stuck with you that long.
And now you’ve made me agree with Ayn Rand. Good job.
I feel like my world has been turned upside down.
My enjoyment of this is giving me CONFLICT.
I think it’s this post that just made me become an Objectivist. I just hate everyone in this movie so much. I was perfectly primed to embrace Randian Andy.
THIS IS THE ANDREA WE WANTED. This is the way the book and movie should have been.
*Chisels this entire piece into a marble slab which will be used as the cornerstone of the Liz Watson Academy for High-Achieving Women Who Will Not Stop or Apologize for Their Success Just Because it Makes You Feel Grubby or Small*
This movie is already one of my favourite movies ever when I fast-forward the Useless Friends scenes and I am now doing that thing where I try not to screech at work about how great this is.
I will speak to whatever man I consider fit to talk to. And I would describe him as more “weirdly ugly-cute” than “hot.” He has no eyebrows.
MY SISTER
It was Simon Baker in the movie, no? I remember his eyebrows vividly because I recall thinking that they were weirdly flesh-colored and of an off-putting shape and size.
(Just googled: when you enter “simon baker the devil” the third search option listed is “simon baker the devil wears prada eyebrows.” This is completely a thing.)
Yes, all true.
But weirdly ugly-cute, that’s my jam.
“And I would describe him as “weirdly ugly-cute” than “hot.” He has no eyebrows.”
I mean, all of this, but to me this bit needed saying MOST OF ALL.
Let us buy a helicopter, that we may float above the poor.
So in the book Nate was a Teach for America teacher and constantly guilting Andy with how much more ~*~meaingful~*~ his job was.
I think Ayn Rand might have supported TFA though – the “smartest” teach the children for 2 years, very little preparation needed because they are already perfect and brilliant. No need for a professional, organized teaching force ever.
Why should you sacrifice your time to give knowledge to those too indolent to achieve it for themselves?
It’s not cool to ask for help! Walk for yourself, parasites!
It IS a conundrum! Certainly the average parent cannot be trusted to teach their child The Truth of Objectivism but why should true Objectivists stoop to teaching others?
Don’t be ridiculous. Real Objectivists do not have children. And real Objectivist children teach themselves.
GOD YES – this is EXACTLY how the movie should have been. Every time I watch this movie I want Andy to stay in the damn car and choose success and money and the jet-setting life over her stupid inferior insecure boyfriend and stupid judgy friends. THIS IS CLEARLY THE BETTER OPTION, STOP APOLOGIZING FOR BEING AWESOME AT WHAT YOU DO AND COMMITTED TO YOUR CAREER. Ugh fucking Nate and his stupid passive aggression and fucking grilled cheeses, she is BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU.
After a while I was screaming at the TV “YOU are not the problem, your shitty friends are the problem!!!”
I might have had more sympathy with the ending if the career were something that Andy didn’t want. But… she doesn’t think seriously about what she wants! She thinks “what do my college frennnnns want? they want me to hang out, guess I had better do that thing.”
I love the idea that idealistic media not-for-profits are where you find decent working conditions and non- bullying bosses. Ahahahaha bless.
Seriously. I’m all “You are on the edge of a high-powered international career and you have a boyfriend who doesn’t understand it. You can either get a career he does understand, or you can get a boyfriend who understands the career you have. Personally, I vote for option B.”
I think this is the first time I’ve ever felt like I might possibly agree with Ayn Rand on anything. Thanks (?), Mallory.
I bet Nate’s grilled cheeses aren’t even really that good.
Like, the bread is greasy and burned in spots and the cheese in the middle isn’t even melted. He’s the worst.
And when you suggest grating the cheese first instead of setting three uneven lumps of it in the middle of the bread, he makes a big fuss about how you shouldn’t have to work hard to make a simple food. And when he orders a Manhattan at a bar he says he could make one just as good, but you know damn well he can’t.
If my becoming an Objectivist would somehow erase TDWP and give us this version to start with, I’m there.
ALSO – the promoted content is ‘what not to wear: pit stains’ and advertises lady deodorant, so excellent job delving into the site content today for relevant ads, ad-generator-bots!
“Let us buy a helicopter, that we may float above the poor.”
Uh oh, looks like we’ve got an class impostor here. It’s *hover* above the poor, not *float* above them!
If there is a whole sea of (the) poor then you could indeed float.
Okay, but let’s rewrite this as well:
STANLEY TUCCI: How are you doing, 6?
ANDREA: Oh, actually, it’s 8 now. And I’m still hot as fuck and great at my job. Suck it.
You know, I was just going to go into the Confused Movie Character post because the DWP still was dredging up memories of how much I hate Andi’s posse. But you’ve taken my incoherent grumbles and turned them into something beautiful.
I read Atlas Shrugged so many times in early high school that my copy was falling apart. For YEARS this fact has semi-haunted me, on and off, especially after I earnestly tried to re-read not in an attempt to enjoy as my present self, but to identify what my former self could have found so bizarrely empowering.
This piece sums up the appeal very well, I think! YOUR ATTEMPTS TO GUILT ME INTO BLINDLY COMPLYING WITH SENSELESS SOCIAL NORMS ARE NO MATCH FOR MY COHERENT PERSONAL AND POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY. I mean now obviously I get so distracted by the fact that a lot of the social norms Rand identifies as senseless are like… important cornerstones of morality and any just society? But still, what a fun time for teenage dirtbag me!
*Hates Ayn Rand*
*Completely agrees with most of the Randian statements in this story*
All the cognitive dissonance is making me feel a bit dizzy. Excuse me while I lay down and try to reconcile these internal contradictions.
I mean, one doesn’t have to agree with Ayn Rand’s anti-social philosophies to agree with her that Andy should be free to pursue her best self.
I just posted this to my Objectivist Girl page on Facebook. I love these very much. They are incredibly funny. I’d love to interview you sometime. email me at [email protected]
Ooh, Objectivist Girl’s latest video is called “Women Against Feminism.” Sounds like a fun time!
The first three-quarters of this movie is one of my favorite movies, and the last quarter is one of my least favorites. How dare Andy make some temporary compromises in order to excel in her career in a field she has grown to love, and in which her close relationship with one of the most influential people in the industry might well allow her to work toward real and substantive change, amirite?
GOD. INFURIATING.
Also, fashion is super-frivolous and trivial! Only hateful, shallow, unenlightened women spend time thinking about the way we choose to present ourselves to the world; enlightened women never, ever think about something as vapid and pointless as their bodies and how to adorn them. Fashion is for bimbos and anorexics, lololol.
In conclusion, hipster grilled cheese is the only valid lifestyle choice.
Returning to this post because I cannot get over Meryl Streep’s exquisitely beautiful and devastatingly smug face. Like an angel of judgment!
ANDREA: If I recall, you were perfectly happy about my newfound knowledge of couture when I got you that Marc Jacobs bag. You appear to be carrying it now. Was this wrong of me?
Marc Jacobs; undermining the collective since 1994!
CHEESES FOR IDLERS
If any lurkers out there are in need of a hella fantastic username, consider this your shot.
Done.
The Toast is so on fire today I can’t handle it even one little bit.
MIRANDA
This needs more stark shapes, like last year, and every year since 1934. Can this belt be made out of steel? Bring me this belt in steel.
OBJECTIVIST FASHION. Look like the railroad you’ve always dreamed of!
This is the only canon version of this movie I will now accept. (You see how it doesn’t rewrite any of Stanley Tucci’s dialogue to Andi? BECAUSE IT AND HE ARE ALREADY PERFECT. /rant)
Um, I like this version of The Devil Wears Prada better. WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH AMBITION AND PRETTY CLOTHES AND NETWORKING, ACTUAL!MOVIE?
*I AGREED WITH SOMETHING AYN RANDIAN OMG OMG OMG
I hope Andy ate that birthday cupcake so she can have replenished energy to admire Miranda’s shoulders better.
Such an improvement on the original. (Which in my opinion would also have benefited from having Andy hook up with Miranda at the end instead of that tepid almost-reconciliation with insipid boyfriend.) I don’t know if Miranda counts as a captain of industry, but she could certainly manage the diamonds.
That’s exactly how the movie should have ended! I blame the director for telling Meryl Streep to play Miranda as seductively as possible and Anne & Emily to play their characters as obsessed with her. This is why there’s still an active femslash community for a 7 year old movie. If you’re at all curious I’d recommend Telanu’s novel-length “Truth & Measure”, it’s what converted me to the fandom and I don’t think it’s exaggerating to say it’s a better read than the original novel.
I was just reading along, enjoying the lulz, then got to THERE IS TDWP MIRANDA FEMSLASH and my head exploded while I was falling over myself to get to Ao3 or wherever.
I would also have accepted an Objectivist version of this movie that was nothing but Meryl Streep glaring contemptuously, secure in the knowledge that she’s superior to you in every way.
I feel like my world has been turned upside down.
This. More of this. Forever.
I keep hearing Andi’s Randian dialog as spoken in Ron Swanson’s voice. And that is not a bad thing.
A thousand times yes.
Mallory, I spotted a typo here:
“INFERIOR MAN: Hey.”
Much like “ATM machine” or “feline cat”, the phrase “inferior man” is redundant within itself.
All it lacks is gay sex and it’s perfect.
I always felt this way about that terrible movie, but I also always believed I would never have anything in common with libertarians. Curse you, The Toast, for making me grow as a person.
PLEASE do a follow-up with Revenge Wears Prada: The Devil Returns.
Wait. That would mean you would actually have to read it. It may be better to live in ignorance if you haven’t, frankly.
PLEASE do a follow-up with Revenge Wears Prada: The Devil Returns.
Wait. That would mean you would actually have to read it. It may be better to live in ignorance if you haven't, frankly.
OH FUCK YES, who knew Ayn Rand could be right?
FFS, Cheeseman is a grown-up and has never before encountered the fact that sometimes, people aren’t around for your actual birthday because they have to, oh, you know, GO TO WORK, but will celebrate with you later? He literally thinks his stupid party matters more than someone’s actual job? And then, when she says “sorry for missing your birthday” HE HAS THE NERVE TO SAY “It’s not about my birthday!” like, “God, how could you insult me by suggesting I’m such a pathetically immature brat!”, when there is LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE IT IS ABOUT AND HE LITERALLY IS.
I have only seen that film once, when it came out, and have never got over how awful her friends were in general or that one line in particular.
1) Sweet Lord, you’ve made me agree with Ayn Rand.
2) I will do anything to make this film version happen.
yes. yes. conflict.
It says a lot about a movie when Objectivism is a thing that can *improve* it.
It says a lot about a movie when Objectivism is a thing that can *improve* it.