Step One

Show up late to their birthday party. No one cares about birthday-party promptness like people in the movies; only monsters show up late to an adult’s birthday dinner. It doesn’t matter how legitimate your excuse or how non-momentous the birthday is. There’s no coming back from it. It’s a sign of how cold and calculating you’ve truly become, how estranged you are from your true self.

Step Two 

Pull a blanket over them after they have fallen asleep. Only good people do this. They’ll never know what hit them.