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Author’s Note: We wanted to thank EVERYONE who came out to Hey Ladies: Live! at Housing Works Books back in June and everyone who watched it on Livestream! It was an amazing success and we can’t wait to (hopefully) do another one!

The following brand new Hey Ladies email thread was read out loud at the live event. Past installments can be found here.


To: Ali, Katie, Morgan, Nicole, Ash, Caitlin

From: Jen

Subject: This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing

Hey ladies. I struggled a lot while deciding whether I should type this out and send it off.

But like, I don’t know. I feel like I am coming to the end of my rope. Marriage is hard. Like really fucking hard. Like sometimes I literally….want to MURDER brad. And then I feel bad about it. And he’s like why are you crying and I’m like because sometimes I just want to kill you. Like he makes me so mad.

I JUST don’t think it’s hard to like, do a dish or like, turn off the lights, or surprise me a few times a week with a nice dinner or a gift!!!!!! Or a vacation!! Or a new car or like, a new blender or ANYTHING. Like you can’t get lazy on me now, Brad, we have til death do us part to make this work and, as Fergie says, I just don’t feel like he’s meeting me halfway.

I feel like I can move out like I can get divorced. I can do this and start over and like meet someone else, someone who will do dishes and not annoy me.I know you guys aren’t married, seriously none of you are even close, and I’m sure to YOU Brad always seemed like he was the perfect man but like, IDK what to do. I really don’t.

Ladies what do I do. I am so like, low. And Lexapro isn’t even helping. I’m pretty sure my shrink has me on placebos. xo jen


To: Ali, Katie, Jen, Nicole, Ash, Caitlin

From: Morgan

Subject: RE: This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing

OMG Jen, I am so glad you reached out to us!!!! We are here for you bebe!! I’ve been telling everyone on gchat for months that I think your relationship is fucked. What kind of husband has a business trip on New Year’s? A woman always knows.

The first thing you need to do is GO THROUGH HIS PHONE. It’s important to deal with reality, but in my experience, if a man doesn’t feel like helping with dishes or listening to a 45 minute story about your day, it’s because there is ANOTHER WOMAN. Can you check his phone now, or do you need me to hack into the cloud?? I’m learning how to code.

Love, Morgs


To: Ali, Katie, Jen, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin

From: Nicole

Subject: RE: RE:  This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing

Jen, I am sure that everything is fine!!!! On the off chance it isn’t though, maybe you should give him a threesome?? Experimenting sexually always leads to a deepening of long term commitment! From what I understand, guys are really emotional about sex, and doing weird sex stuff makes them love and respect you more!!

It’s not just an old wives tale, Jen. There’s truth there.

If you need a third, I’ve always thought I’d like to have sex with Brad, so I could be down…literally. And If it would help you guys get back on the track to love, I would gladly let your husband fuck me. I would do that for you. We’re friends!

Can you just let me know by COB? The next few days are crazy.

xoxo Nicole


To: Nicole, Katie, Jen, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin

From: Ali

Subject: RE: RE: RE:  This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing

Jen, you poor thing!!! I can’t say I’m surprised but I’m truly touched you reached out to me. Guys are usually way obsessed with me, but I know third-hand what it must be like to have a man’s interest wane. Let’s do a deep dive.

1) Obviously we need to check his credit card statements going back to before you guys started dating. Let me know if you need help. I have an app for that.

2) We’ll cross check it with his facebook messages, emails, gchats, instagram and twitter interactions to look for any suspicious activity

3) I disagree with Nicole’s advice. It’s really important to withhold sex right now. Guys are really good at picking up on hints of when girls are mad.

4) At the same time, I think you should be really aggressive in showing him how his actions are affecting you. What if you sent cookies to his work every day for a week with sad faces painted on? Guys like it when you’re thinking about them, and involving their work life in your relationship.

5) ADDENDUM: Maybe Nicole should have sex with him as a test to see if he goes for it???? Would you be down? We could nannycam it for documentation.

I’m so sorry you are going through this babe. But if you got divorced, it might be fun because then you can only date other divorced guys cause no other guys will want you, and who doesn’t wanna be a stepmom LOL! Let me know what you wanna do! I have apps for all of this!! Love, Ali

~*~Some infinities are bigger than other infinities” – The Fault in Our Stars trailer


To: Ali, Nicole, Jen, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin

From: Katie

Subject: RE:: FWD:: RE: : RE: RE:  This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing

Hey Jen! I have absolutely no time to write right now; I have a huge project at work. It’s actually kind of great, my boss keeps giving me more responsibility since I’m so vital as a content creator. But tweet me if you guys end up splitting up and DM me if you wanna make plans, I’m just so crazed. Too crazed to text, way too crazed to email but I did want to do you a solid and reply.

I’m super glad the girls have tons of time to gchat with you about this. But hey if you end up getting a divorce, that would be fine! You’d be fine. It’s like kind of mature and cool, in a way.

Anyway, attaching my favorite Buzzfeed list of all time: 31 Reasons You Know You’re Single And A Millennial And A New Yorker And A Woman As Depicted By Laguna Beach Season 2 GIFs.

I found it super helpful in 2012 but trust me, it’s really evergreen.  Good luck, Jen! Thinking of you. X, Katie.

~*~*Well that’s what we do, we fight… You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.

So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What’s it look like? If it’s with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that’s what you really wanted. But don’t you take the easy way out.

Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?~*~*


To: Katie, Nicole, Katie, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin

From: Jen

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE:: FWD: RE: RE:  This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing

Katie, please change your email sig? that shit is seriously giving me a depresh. Jen


To: Ali, Nicole, Jen, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin

From: Katie

Subject: RE:: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: FWD:: RE: : RE: RE:  This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing

Jen, sry, I love that movie :) Katie


To: Katie, Nicole, Katie, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin

From: Jen

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE:: FWD: RE: RE:  This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing

it’s fine just a little insensitive.


To: Ali, Nicole, Jen, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin

From: Katie

Subject: RE:: RE: RE: RE: RE:: RE: RE: RE: RE: FWD:: RE: : RE: RE:  This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing

ok sorry


To: Ali, Katie, Jen, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin

From: Nicole

Subject: RE::RE RE ::: RE : RE RE: RE: RE: RE:: RE: RE: RE: RE: FWD:: RE: : RE: RE:  This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing

Hey ladies,

Jen it’s been a bit – how is everything going? We missed you at brunch the other day. It was such a good deal (we Groupon’d) and Ali even got the waiter’s number! Like SIZZLE someone is on FIYAHHHHH! Haha but seriously, why aren’t you returning texts? Or calls?

Let us know, bb, we worry!

******* N I  C   O L  E ***********


To: Ali, Nicole, Jen, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin

From: Katie

Subject: RE:: RE: RE: RE: RE:: RE: RE: RE: RE: FWD:: RE: : RE: RE:  This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing

Or snaps or liking the comments I’ve left on Facebook (when you don’t like them it makes me feel like a loser just FYI)

Katie


To: Nicole, Katie, Jen, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin

From: Ali

Subject: RE: RE: RE:: RE: RE: RE:: RE: RE: RE: RE: FWD:: RE: : RE: RE  This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing

She has a point, Jen, please get back to us through whatever channel or means you feel necessary by COB.

Best,

Ali

PS – The waiter got MY number, I didn’t ask him for his. Just wanted to fact check :)

“Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life? Say yes, say yes, cause I need to know!” – “Rude” by Magic! <3


To: Ali, Katie, Morgan, Nicole, Ash, Caitlin

From: Jen

Subject: RE: RE: RE:: RE: RE: RE:: RE: RE: RE: RE: FWD:: RE: : RE: RE  This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing

Hi Ladies!

Oh my god I am laughing so much reading your emails! Like, you were so worried! It’s like, I’m not really on Facebook that much (Pinterest!) so I didn’t see your comments, Katie! You guys, I’m fine! And thanks so much for all of your advice but I think we’re gonna be okay and we’re doing better and things seem to be great.

Honestly I’m a little surprised at some of the advice you guys gave me. Like, yes, I get it, you’re not married, but seriously? This is how you guys think? You might need to do a deep dive within and make some fundamental changes before you can really let a man in deep inside you to love you, like I did, with Brad.

Anyway, thanks for the invite to Nicole’s coworkers bday this weekend but Brad and I are gonna try to do a project (DIY mason jar chandelier!)

XO

JEN

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Caroline Moss is the deputy editor of culture at Tech Insider. She's also written for the New York Times and Cosmopolitan. She's tweeted over 100,000 times. Michelle Markowitz is a comedy writer, storyteller, and bachelorette party apologist in New York. She can be found subtweeting Cory Booker @michmarkowitz.

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