Home » Humor » A Grounded Goth Teen Angrily Renames Household Items A Grounded Goth Teen Angrily Renames Household Items Mallory Ortberg on August 20, 2014 in Humor 1727941 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F2014%2F08%2F20%2Fgrounded-goth-teen-angrily-renames-household-items%2FA+Grounded+Goth+Teen+Angrily+Renames+Household+Items2014-08-20+17%3A00%3A41Mallory+Ortberghttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F%3Fp%3D17279 It’s not a bathroom, it’s a PISS GRAVEYARD. They’re not pants, they’re an ASS CAGE. It’s not a vacuum cleaner, it’s a CHOKING ROBOT. It’s not an alarm clock, it’s the METAL AWAKENING. It’s not a door, it’s a WALL COFFIN. It’s not a freezer, it’s a DINNER SARCOPHAGUS. Those aren’t stairs, that’s a MUTILATED FLOOR. That’s not a toothbrush, it’s a MOUTH INVADER. That’s not a phone, it’s a VOICE PRISON. That’s not a teakettle, that’s the LEAF COMMUNION. That’s not a spice rack, that’s a FLAVOR CATACOMB. Those aren’t Band-Aids, they’re SKIN LIES. That’s not a sink, that’s a PIPE VOMITORIUM. That’s not a comb, that’s a HAIR PIERCER. That’s not a duvet, that’s a TAXIDERMIED BLANKET. That’s not a litter box, it’s CAT SHIT JAIL. They’re not boots, they’re FOOT CORSETS. That cat isn’t fixed, he’s INTO HARDCORE CASTRATION BODY MODS. Tags: goths, humor, names Related PostsThe Reactions I’m Assuming People Want When They Comment On My NameWine Brands: Real or Fake?I Love 2012. So I Decided To Live In It.16 Gemstones Renamed CorrectlyVery Real Email DisclaimersA Woman’s Guide to Running for Political Office About Author by Mallory Ortberg Mallory is an Editor of The Toast. 17279Latest Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F2014%2F08%2F20%2Fgrounded-goth-teen-angrily-renames-household-items%2FA+Grounded+Goth+Teen+Angrily+Renames+Household+Items2014-08-20+17%3A00%3A41Mallory+Ortberghttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F%3Fp%3D17279 eliana23 You have clearly met my sister Andrea. safvn Duvets ARE garbage, though. bookwormV Lies, duvets are the best. AnStarragNaomh BRB, starting a band so I can name an album CAT SHIT JAIL. laurenipsum I can't help but picture these as being expressed by angry goth Tom Haverford. Along those lines: Tom Haverfoods. GreenGrasses MEEE TOOO. Food rakes!! yrpretendfriend Noodles? Long ass rice. lilsebastian01 Chicken parmesean? Chicky chicky parm parm. thewildland YEP, totally came down here just to say that this is like a beautiful, eternally pissed-off Tom Haverfoods and I love iiittttt BlotsAndCreases I've always thought of dentists as mouth invaders, and called them as such in one of my teenaged English essays. Hth I own a FLAVOR CATACOMB, and I have never been happier! Maybe the suburbs won't be so bad after all. acgaines CAT SHIT JAIL is basically an Alien Sex Fiend cover band, right? superscones I'm going to try really hard to use "FLAVOR CATACOMB" in normal conversation today. EPWordsnatcher Off to buy a label maker brb. Owl Queen I take this opportunity to show you 18 year old goth me <img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v308/kytten/hair1.jpg"/> (I am still a goth, but a little more relaxed about it now) 15 year old goth me was totally this teen sunfastrose I love your 18 year old goth hair. So gorgeous. Angelan_ 18 year old goth me would have wanted to borrow that outfit SO BADLY. katiemcguillicuddy While I've never been goth myself (I could never pull it off) I am jealous of everything happening in that picture. I mean, the hair alone. You rock that shit. radventuretime My mom didn't let me shop at Hot Topic because she DIDN'T UNDERSTAND ME so my 14 year old goth self is totally going to write a poem about how jealous I am of your outfit, and then place it between the pages of her copy of Johnny The Homicidal Maniac to use as a bookmark. BlotsAndCreases The red hair. The purple dress-ish. *swoons* WriteOn I won't live in your microwave oven world any longer Mallory! You have carpet on your heart! AmazingSandwich Work from home and ditch the ASS CAGE–forever! SarahDances I was recently at a restaurant where they offered creme brulee under the name FIRE PUDDING. catrontgen it's a stunning coincidence that tonight I debut my all-lesbian german noise band, Katzescheisse Gefängnis dorkmuffin This. Is. GLORIOUS. logicbutton That's not a wallet, it's the VAULT OF IDENTITY. CleverManka I had no idea angry teen goths were so awesome. If I'd known, I might have had one of my own. desperica It's like you wrote this from inside my teen-goth bedroom. If I knew how to post pictures in the comments, I would do so. Instead, just picture a slender teen, who is 95% hair and red lipstick, standing in front of a wall of posters, pouting and wringing her hands. Sneza Brilliant!! er, I mean — BRAIN DISSOLVING Arin Arcady Didn't Krieger make a choking robot already? lmn0p I frequently refer to socks as FOOT PRISONS so this speaks to me. RebeccaL Skin lies !! abbeyroadmedley That was my favorite. ladyimogen Mine TOO! MacCrocodile From my friend, who is reading over my shoulder: "It's not a toaster, it's a BREAD CREMATORIUM." Paul b Waiting for part two. Suggestion: Include guillotine Sam Farnechett I love you. blunderbusst So. Many. Band. Names. *dies* yrosemoonartandshit I'M DYINGGGG- CAT SHIT JAIL SKIN LIES SKIN LIES…… LEAF COMMUNICATION- I– I'M DYING LIKE I THINK I WOULD TALK TO MY TEA LEAVES BUT LIEK D KDFK GFOGJ;CGXGL;KL;FH i meant…. but i don't like tea….. tea……….. bleh…… also nice pic- xplantlady No words for how brilliant this is, except for maybe EXCELLENT BRAIN CANDY. EasterSundae This is hilarious. Each of those re-names could also be band names. "Tonight at Club 44, it's Choking Robot, with Ass Cage and Mouth Invader."