Skip to the article, or search this site

Home: The Toast

ols1_ka_dotcom_1440x651_04_noGuide
Whether you’re reading the Outlander series for the first time or re-reading with the new TV show, we invite you to play along with us as we journey through the books’ best tropes and cliches. Grab a book (any of them, though especially the first three) and a drink — perhaps some whiskey the color of Claire’s eyes or just some restorative willowbark tea — and play along. There will be a bonus round for viewers of the Starz show.

Take a drink every time…

  1. Claire gets a new dress because the one she’s wearing is ruined. Bonus drink if it’s borrowed and her breasts BARELY fit into it.
  2. Claire insists she really did love Frank even though, yeah, OK.
  3. Frank acts like a monster.
  4. Author finds a nice vocabulary word and repeats it conspicuously within 50 pages.
  5. Nipples.
  6. Multi-page internal monologue.
  7. Claire and Jamie separated seemingly forever.
  8. Minor character reappears improbably as major player.
  9. Claire practices indefensibly modern medicine.
  10. Claire practices herbology.
  11. Man drinks breast milk as foreplay. (Double drink because: nipples.)
  12. Color of Claire’s eyes is compared to any alcoholic beverage.
  13. Claire’s curly hair is mentioned.
  14. A murder mystery!
  15. Vague improbable descriptions — variations on  “a cold shiver ran up her spine and it wasn’t because of the cold”  or “she might have seen a glimmer of a smile/frown/etc. on his lips/eye but it might have been the light.”
  16. Claire and Jamie FEEL each other walk into the room.
  17. Prose is pretty at first but makes no sense on a second reading.
  18. Violence that is WORSE than Game of Thrones happens to characters you are supposed to love. But they survive! And then you have to read about them surviving.
  19. Description of Jamie’s skull, its hardness and shape.
  20. Romanticization of white men. (Stick to sips for this one lest you die of alcohol poisoning.)
  21. Mention of the different shades of red in Jamie’s/Brianna’s hair.
  22. A “shadow” falls across someone’s face.
  23. Anytime Claire gets worried someone’s cut will get infected.
  24. Baby born to Murray family.
  25. Human pregnancy referred to in animal terms, i.e. “breeding,” “sire,” “foal.”
  26. Author gestures toward grand theory of time travel are best left unscrutinized.
  27. Claire picks something out of Jamie’s hair.
  28. Jamie’s two fingers flutter against his leg.
  29. Two characters look almost exactly alike.
  30. A ball of ice in the pit of Claire’s stomach is warmed by whiskey or brandy.
  31. A sex scene gets super abstract and DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. But is still hot.
  32. A sex scene that makes you ask, “Wait, is this rape?” But the author is like, “Don’t worry about it.”
  33. Cameo by historical figure.
  34. Jamie stands straight as an arrow with his shining hair a head above all the other man he is standing near.
  35. Hint that Scots freeball under their kilts.
  36. A couple, usually Jamie and Claire, has an entire conversation in one look without speaking.
  37. “It had been a long time since breakfast.”
  38. “More than was strictly necessary.”
  39. Claire finding Jaime easily in a crowd because of his height and red hair.
  40. Jamie is unable to wink, blinks idiotically.

BONUS ROUND! 

  1. Graphic violence/gore beyond book descriptions because that’s how prestige dramas do.
  2. You miss something important Frank said about local history because SO BORING.
  3. Evidence that Tobias Menzies (Frank) agreed to less nudity than Caitriona Balfe (Claire)
  4. Band of Scottish kinsmen reminiscent of hobbits.
  5. Romantic lead clearly identifiable as the clean one.
  6. Casting of Graham McTavish as Dougal makes you wish Claire would get a little action on the side with him.
  7. Fill-in in Gaelic dialogue that could mean absolutely nothing. H/T to the Gaelic tutor:
  8. You would be unsurprised to learn Sam Heughan (Jamie) had a starring role in 2011’s A Princess for Christmas.
  9. Dramatic irony over long-resolved historical events.
  10. Claire visits site in 18th century and flashback (flash forward?) shows her visiting in 20th Century with Frank.
  11. Horsemanship! Swordplay!
  12. Claire makes 20th century wisecrack that no one else gets.
  13. Claire has no choice but to become emotionally and physically close to Jamie. She’s just tryina survive, guys.
  14. ADDED FRANK SCENE! Please try to conjure some sympathy.
  15. Timeline shuffled to get to the sex sooner.

Rose Cole and Anna Halverson contributed to this piece.

 

$
Select Payment Method

Loading ...

Personal Info

Donation Total: $1.00

Kara Moore is a freelance journalist in Charleston, West Virginia, where she lives with her husband and two small children.

Add a comment

Skip to the top of the page, search this site, or read the article again

(Close this.)