Call me old-fashioned, but I believe couples should sleep with a sword between them until they start having an affair unbeknownst to King Mark of Cornwall.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think relationships should last until you steal all of his spells and lock him inside a rowan tree for eternity.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think that women should sleep for at least a hundred years before a man can even think about proposing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think that ladies should live in lakes until they’re married.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that after you die, four magnificent queens bear you away to sleep underneath a mountain until your country needs you again.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think a man should only sleep with his wife, a stranger who’s enchanted herself to look like his wife, the woman he loves, and his half-sister once by accident.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when you’re a guest in someone’s home, you have to kiss your host as often as his wife secretly kisses you.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think that if a man’s going to sentence his own wife to death, it should be by beheading, and he should do it himself.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that all women ought to be able to spin straw into gold.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that the male lovers of Inanna should be ritually slaughtered in the spring, when the horses foal.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that the blood of the male lovers of Inanna make the crops grow.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that if an ogre guesses your true name, you should have to serve him for seven years without speaking.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that whomever can bend that old yew bow in the corner over there is my real husband, no questions asked.
Call me old-fashioned, but if you see a pure-white bull from your bedroom window, I think you should have sex with it.
Call me old-fashioned, but if your boyfriend leaves you, I think you should either set yourself on fire or die in a boat in front of his house.
Call me old-fashioned, but if your stepmother murders your brother, I think you should keep quiet about it until after your father has unwittingly eaten him for dinner.
Cold me old-fashioned, but if a man finds you in the woods while hunting deer, you should have to marry him.
Tags: call me old-fashioned, humor, relationships, the good old days
![In Defense of [My] Marriage](/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/arcade-card-mack-sennett-comedies-two-women-sitting-on-beach-with-head-wraps-and-tall-boots-one-pointing-150x150.jpg)
I guess I’m just old-fashioned, then.
“four magnificent queens bear you away to sleep underneath a mountain ” Death, last Saturday, what’s the real difference.
i read this as “magnificent queers” and i feel even better about it. hey, in the village, you can even have both.
I read it as “four magnificent queen bears”
best reading, imho, also what i dream about.
I hear this entire post in Mallory’s mellifluous voice and that makes it even more amazing.
Knowing what she sounds like makes all the posts like this more glorious.
Can’t believe you wrote this while your ankles were exposed, Mall.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when you’re a guest in someone’s home, you have to kiss your host as often as his wife secretly kisses you.
Does that have to be secret too, or can you kiss him openly?
This sounds worthy of a Raising The Tone/Raising Ye Olde Tone post.
Sir Gawain and the Green Knyght has the answer to this question~
“Call me old fashioned, but I still believe there’s only one true god, and he lives in this lake, and his name is Zorgo”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpiw-ng5wkQ
YES YES YES I came into comments SOLELY to post this, god bless you
Me too!
I couldn’t get down here fast enough to see if there were any other State fans thinking the same thing.
‘Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that the sun won’t come back unless we pile all these animals and maybe some criminals on this fire, and then jump over it. And then have sex, With, like, everyone’
‘Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that a married woman’s place is in the home, training all the young boys and girls in the fighting arts, and also her place is everywhere because the celts were remarkably egalitarian’
That one’s true.
It’s amazing the sun rises at all any more, with so few blood sacrifices these days.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe you should be able to divorce your husband by putting his shoes outside your tent.
I love that one. “Time for you to GO.”
Or, if you’re a Viking wife, telling him your marriage is over, putting all of his stuff outside the front door, and locking that door.
My favourite fun fact to share with people at parties comes courtesy of my first-year Vikings prof, who happily informed us that all a Viking lady had to do to divorce her husband was show a witness that he wore effeminate clothing (that she, coincidentally, had made him), such as a shirt so low cut both his nipples were showing. Because you know, a one-nipple shirt is manly, but two? Nope.
The bus to the underwater Ladies Of The Lake Commune leaves in FIFTEEN MINUTES, people.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe a woman’s place is somewhere in Africa, as is the place for a man. It was good enough for my ancestors, and it’s good enough for me.
Well, you may think I’m a stuffy traditionalist for saying this, but I think a woman’s place, and a man’s place, are in the ocean. Preferably in tidepools or near deep-sea vents. And while we’re on the subject, when did this “men” and “women” business start up anyway? I prefer traditional gender roles, in which nobody has a gender or sex at all.
I prefer fish gender roles, in which the fittest male of the group undergoes a sex change if no one can get a date.
I wish MRAs worked like that.
Call me old fashioned, but I believe that everyone should have only one cell – any more is just greedy.
“Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when you’re a guest in someone’s home, you have to kiss your host as often as his wife secretly kisses you.”
OH MY GOD
Ah, the good old traditional values! Not like today.
Norse version!
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe you should choose your husband solely by the sight of his feet after the Gods have slain your dad.
Call me old fashioned, but if a camp follower expresses an interest in an MMF situation, the correct response is definitely to bite off her nose.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe the way to win a maiden’s heart is to send your best friend to threaten her loudly at swordpoint and curse her with a stick in her own home.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think the best way to make a maid laugh is to tie your gonads to a goat.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that there is no problem that can’t be solved by turning into a mare and having sex that produces eight-legged foals.
One of my biggest regrets is not staging a testicular tug-of-war at my own engagement party. Young maidens, take heed!
I thought you were joking about there being a King Mark but apparently it’s true. I have to imagine his subjects found it hard to take him seriously. “Yeah sure, King Mark, we could do that. Maybe we should see what Pope Kevin and Emperor Derek think about it first.”
Yeah, I’ll text Viceroy Chad
Lol, Mark only dates back a couple millenia, since he’s one of the apostles that trailed after Jesus and then ended up writing a gospel.
There is a Saint Kevin! He founded the monastery in Glendalough, Ireland. My friend claimed that locals called the cave he used to live in St. Kevin’s Hole, although Wikipedia calls it St. Kevin’s Bed.
One of the random facts my brain is full of: They totally do call it St. Kevin’s Hole and maybe just to amuse tourists but it works because it amuses me no end. Kevin feels like such an 80’s name, it’s just per se funny to have a saint called Kevin.
Call me old fashioned, but I don’t think it should be legal to marry Sonic the Hedgehog. Some spirits were meant to be free.
This is the best thing ever.
“Call me old-fashioned, but I think relationships should last until you steal all of his spells and lock him inside a rowan tree for eternity.”
I like to think of myself as progressive, but this is still really important to me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I’d rather pull up to the party in a converted pumpkin.
“Call me old-fashioned, but I think that if a man’s going to sentence his own wife to death, it should be by beheading, and he should do it himself.”
Heheh wait that actually happened. :-[ *cringe*
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/167772
“Call me old-fashioned, but if a man finds you in the woods while hunting deer, you should have to
marrymurder him.”Fixed.
turn him into a deer and let his own hounds chase him to death
I’m just about rounding out my re-read of Mists of Avalon, so I needed this.
How was it? I have been thinking about doing the same thing and wondering how it has held up low these 20 years.
It’s still a page-turner and I still care quite a lot about the characters, for sure. It’s prettily-written and interesting. I understand Morgaine’s pain at being considered attractive yet not attractive as well as her feelings of being sexually teased then spurned by Lancelet a lot more now that I’m 26 instead of 14 years old.
I do feel a lot less sympathetic towards the political-sexual machinations of Viviane/Taliesen/Kevin/old Morgaine/etc. now that I know that their weird love of “holy bloodlines” (aka incest) was a reflection of MZB’s abusive reality. Ditto for all the “you Christians are too prudish” BS — I think MZB and her husband could have done well with a little more prudishness in their lives.
I do sleep with a wooden katana either in, or next to, my bed, and I highly recommend it. #thesinglelife
I just obtained a queen bed, and it’s JUST FOR ME, to lounge about and sprawl over in glorious solitude like a jungle cat or a bear. I’m trying to figure out what to put on the wall above it, and I gotta say, hanging a sword up there would be pretty great.
I don’t understand why this is still a question. It sounds like the decision has been made.
Dude – I would be all over that if we weren’t trying to sell our place. Next house I live, katana over the bed. Though I personally think swords strewn about would lend a certain something to the real estate staging….
“Call me old-fashioned, but I think a man should only sleep with his wife, a stranger who’s enchanted herself to look like his wife, the woman he loves, and his half-sister once by accident.” – Scott Summers is that old-fashioned, huh.
Wow. Never realized Scott Summers and King Arthur had so much in common.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think that for every glorious scene of a husband doing battle with his foes, there should be an equally long and glorious scene of his wife doing handicrafts, such as weaving, with the shuttle gleaming like lightning in her strong and supple hands.
If you haven’t yet read Hild, by Nicola Griffith, you absolutely should, post haste. Set in 7th century Britain, just before The Great Conversion, when Britain was Christianized, it’s the story of the girl who grows up to become St. Hilda of Whitby. It’s almost 600 pages long, the first in a planned trilogy. It’s a gloriously detailed and concrete depiction of Anglo-Saxon life, and there’s all the weaving that anyone could want.
Oh my gosh, Hild is seriously the very next book on my to-read stack! It’s sitting on my nightstand and she’s staring at me from the beautiful turquoise cover as I type this. Yesssss.
Oh my, what synchronicity! Enjoy!
Call me old fashioned, but if you’re that careless with your true name, you’re just asking to be a slave to the fae.
Call me old fashioned, but I believe that a woman should be able to hang on to her man, even if he is temporarily a burning brand.
Call me old fashioned, but if you can’t pick out your spouse from the dancing throng of identical duplicates conjured by your tutor in sorcery, it wasn’t mean to be.
Call me old-fashioned, but strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!
Don’t you fucking call me old-fashioned.
Can I just give this to my students tomorrow during our first meeting of our “Great Books” course or do I actually have to still lecture about why reading The Odyssey is worth something in todays world?
Call me old-fashioned, but if a man finds you in the woods while hunting deer, you should have to TURN HIM INTO A STAG AND SET YOUR HOUNDS AFTER HIM
Well, his own hounds make it even better, so he can die while naming them all:
His houndes espyde him where he was, and Blackfoote first of all
And Stalker speciall good of sent began aloud to call.
This latter was a hound of Crete, the other was of Spart.
Then all the kenell fell in round, and everie for his part,
Dyd follow freshly in the chase more swifter than the winde,
Spy, Eateal, Scalecliffe, three good houndes comne all of Areas Icinde. 250
Strong Kilbucke, currish Savage, Spring, and Hunter fresh of smell,
And Lightfoote who to lead a chase did beare away the bell.
Fierce Woodman hurte not long ago in hunting of a Bore
And Shepeheird woont to follow sheepe and neate to fielde afore.
And Laund a fell and eger bitch that had a Wolfe to Syre :
Another brach callde Greedigut with two hir Puppies by hir.
And Ladon gant as any Greewnd a hownd in Sycion bred,
Blab, Fleetewood, Patch whose necked skin w sundrie spots was spred :
Wight, Bowman, Royster, beautie faire and white as winters snow,
And Tawnie full of duslcie haires that over all did grow, 260
With lustie Ruffler passing all the resdue there in strength,
And Tempest best of footemanshipe in holding out at length.
And Cole, and Swift, and little Woolfe, as wight as any other,
Accompanide with a Ciprian hound that was his native brother,
And Snatch amid whose forehead stoode a starre as white as snowe,
The resdue being all as blacke and slicke as any Crowe,
And shaggie Rugge with other twaine that had a Syre of Crete,
And dam of Sparta : Tone of them callde Jollyboy, a great
And large flewd hound : the tother Chorle who ever gnoorring went,
And Ringwood with a shyrle loud mouth the which he freely spent, 270
With divers mo whose names to tell it were but losse of tyme.
(Golding, the BEST translation)
I <3 Blab and Jollyboy.
THIS IS AMAZING WHERE CAN I FIND MORE?
It’s Arthur Golding’s translation of Metamorphoses from the 1560s and it’s amazing all the way through! The Philomela story is SO GOOD. It’s in Book VI, which also has Arachne, which is also the best. It’s all the best. Full of best.
yessssss thank you
All the best hermits are in China: http://www.amazon.com/Road-Heaven-Encounters-Chin….
That said, clearly the thing to idolize about this guy is the FACT of his stealing candy from children for so long and so successfully and no other thing.
I realize this comment is to another article and likely only here by mistake – but thank you — the author of the book you link to lectured at my college a couple years ago and talked about this book he was writing – and I could not remember anything else about it, other than that I really wanted to read it when he got published. Now that I can! Cheers.
Call me old-fashioned, but if a guy’s really interested he’ll pursue you. So I recommend you sit atop a glass mountain and huck apples at him.
Call me old fashioned, but I believe if a man wants to rule, he must first have sex with the land. Or, you know, that gross old lady over there who says she’s the personification of the land.
This is how I will score dudes in my old age
Call me old fashioned, but a party isn’t a party unless there is a bonfire with a sackful of live cats at its centre.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that before you marry the man you’re in love with, you should have to hold onto him as the faerie queen changes him into a succession of dangerous beasts, including a bear, a snake, and finally a hot coal.
Lack of serious commitment: that’s why modern relationships don’t last. Everybody thinks that love shouldn’t take any effort.
BUT you can have sex with him first!
Which way to the gun show, Janet?
What if you set yourself on fire IN a boat in front of his house?
Call me old fashioned, but I believe that if the goddess of love awards you as a prize, you go make a new life with your new husband, no questions and no whining.
Call me old fashioned, but I think that if someone wants to marry my daughter, they should have to beat her in a foot race first.
But she doesn’t want to get married until she’s seen the world.
You beat me to that one!!
Give me that old-time religion, it’s good enough for me.
We will pray with Aphrodite,
We will pray with Aphrodite,
She wears that see-through nightie,
And it’s good enough for me.
Call me old fashioned, but I think the best way to get away from men is to turn into a laurel tree.
Call me old fashioned, but when a woman washing herself in the river meets eyes with a man spying on her, they should have sex immediately.
Cold me old fashioned…
Call me old fashioned, but if a girl doesn’t want to marry her father, she should first ask for a series of impossible gowns and jewels to delay papa’s ardent pursuit and when all else fails, she must run away disguised in furs and pass herself off as a quasi-wild beast/scullery maid at a new castle up until she can through trickery win the heart of that castle’s prince. And not a moment sooner.
You absolutely rock.
Would you mind if I pointed my undergraduates in the direction of this post? I’m teaching Romance and Gender in Middle English, and this is just so perfect.
You absolutely rock.
Would you mind if I pointed my undergraduates in the direction of this post? I'm teaching Romance and Gender in Middle English, and this is just so perfect.
Who wrote this, Sir Thomas Mallory???
Could someone list the references?