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Home: The Toast

“hey professor i dont think ill be able to make it to class tomorrow, do u think u could email me the reading and whatever notes u go over, also i will not be able to make it to the final for personal reasons, when do u think i could come into your office and make it up, would summer vacation work for you”

“hey dr x everyone in my family just died like right now so i won’t be in class tomorrow”

“dr x i have six grandmas and they’re all in the hospital so i wont be in class tomorrow”

“hey professor i have 97 grandmothers, all dead, i will not be in class for the rest of the semester”

“hey professor idk if you noticed but i wasnt in class this week, i had a thing, did i miss anything important”

“Hey professor! I’m attaching my final essay here. [Intentionally corrupted file attached so professor has to respond “Could you please resend?” twelve hours later, during which time the student has actually written said essay] Let me know if you have any questions!”

“Hey Dr. X, I actually have three other assignments due the same day as your assignment, and your class is the least important to me, so can I just not do it, or do it late or something? Thanks in advance!!!”

“hey professor can you meet sometime this week to answer some questions? none of your office hours work for me, can you pick another time?”

“Hi professor X! Before the exam tomorrow, do you mind answering these 47 very specific questions I have about the material that I’ve been meaning to ask you all semester? If you do not help me I will fail and lose my scholarship and probably die, thank you in advance.”

“hey I just realized that since I didnt show up for the midterm or do any of the homework im probably failing the class, is there any extra credit i can do between now and tomorrow to make sure I get at least an A?”

“hey professor!!! noticed that im getting a D- in the class, any chance you could make that a B+, otherwise i wont be able to graduate this spring and my entire life will be literally ruined forever. ps i probably won’t be in class tomorrow my hands are kind of cramping up”

“hey professor how have you been, good, good i liked taking your class seven years ago, idk if you remembered me, it was a crazy early morning class so i slept in a bunch but when i was there you were good as hell at professoring, do you think you could write me a letter of recommendation? i will not tell you what it is for, like a job or grad school or whatever, you have to guess. also i will not tell you the deadline. thank you in advance.”

[Special thanks to Anne Helen Peterson and Shrill Cosby for joke assistance]

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