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Home: The Toast

TAFT
TAFT
what is it, Mr. President
COME INTO MY OFFICE
I WANT TO BENCH PRESS SOMETHING
why don’t you bench press your presidential desk
I ALREADY BENCH PRESSED IT
sir, I don’t want to be bench pressed
AM I THE PRESIDENT OR AREN’T I
IF I WANT TO BENCH PRESS THE MEN IN MY CABINET
IT’S FOR THE GOOD OF THE NATION
AND YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO SERVE YOUR COUNTRY
NOW GET IN HERE AND ASSUME THE POSITION
yes, sir
I’LL BENCH PRESS ANY AMERICAN I WANT
yes, sir

 

TAFT
GET IN HERE THIS INSTANT
THE BOYS IN THE WAR DEPARTMENT ARE LETTING ME USE THEM TO RECREATE THE BATTLE OF SAN JUAN HILL
AND WE NEED YOU TO PLAY SAN JUAN HILL

 

TAFT
what is it
DO WE OWN THE PHILIPPINES
do we what
DO WE HAVE IT YET
no, sir
I believe the Filipinos have it
WELL I WANT IT
how do you propose to get it
I PROPOSE TO STRIKE ANY MAN WHO TRIES TO STOP ME SOUNDLY IN THE FACE IS HOW
I PROPOSE TO ACQUIRE IT THROUGH THE STRATEGIC USE OF COLD BATHS, STRENUOUS MOUNTAIN HIKES, AND BARE-KNUCKLE BOXING
I PROPOSE TO RIDE YOU LIKE A PONY ALL THE WAY TO MANILA
please don’t ride me like a pony, sir
IF YOU LET ME RIDE YOU LIKE A PONY
I SHALL APPOINT YOU SUPREME COURT JUSTICE
sir, you promised me that last Christmas
after you used me as a footstool during the White House reception
I MEAN IT THIS TIME
NOW OPEN YOUR MOUTH SO I CAN GET THIS BRIDLE FITTED

 

TAFT
TAFT
WAKE UP YOU WALRUS
what is it
THERE’S A WAR ON AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME
where’s a war
we’re not at war
NOT HERE, YOU BLOATED MUSTACHE-HOLDER
IN RUSSIA
I
yes
there is a war in Russia
WELL I’M GOING THERE TO PUT A STOP TO IT
their war is with the Japanese, Mr. President
it’s not with us
IF I CAN’T HAVE A WAR
YOU CAN BE DAMNED SURE THE RUSSIANS AND THE JAPANESE AREN’T GOING TO HAVE ONE
wait a minute and I’ll send someone from the State Department with you
TOO LATE, TAFT
I’M ALREADY ON MY WAY
GOING TO DO LUNGES ACROSS THE ATLANTIC
SHOULD BE IN MOSCOW BY NOON
I’LL WIRE WHEN I GET THERE

 

TAFT HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS STANDARD OIL BUSINESS
yes, sir
THEY’RE A MONOPOLY
yes, sir
THAT ISN’T SPORTING AT ALL
no, sir
BRING ME STANDARD OIL
I’M GOING TO PUNCH IT MANFULLY IN THE FACE
sir, Standard Oil is a trust, not a person
you can’t punch a trust in the face
OH CAN’T I
TAFT, WATCH ME BECOME THE FIRST MAN TO PUNCH A TRUST IN THE FACE
THEN WRITE IT DOWN
IN YOUR OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE NOTES
“TODAY THE PRESIDENT PUNCHED A TRUST IN THE FACE”
all right
“QUITE SOUNDLY TOO”
I will
“WITH AN EXCELLENT RIGHT UPPER CROSS”
yes, sir
“CAN’T PUNCH A TRUST IN THE FACE”
FORSOOTH
I’M THE PRESIDENT
I CAN PUNCH ANYTHING

 

TAFT WHAT’S GOING ON
WHY ARE THESE BOYS TAKING MY THINGS OUT OF THE OFFICE
you’re not the President anymore, sir
WHY ON EARTH NOT
you’ve already served two terms
we had another election
WELL WHO IS THE PRESIDENT NOW
I am, sir
WHAT
YOU SWOLLEN CARAPACE
YOU’VE NEVER EVEN RIDDEN A BEAR
NOR STRUCK A MOUNTAIN
NOR EATEN A LIVE HORSE WHILE RIDING ON THE BACK OF A DIFFERENT HORSE
HOW CAN YOU BE PRESIDENT, YOU HUNK OF UNDERCOOKED LIVER
I am the President now
and I’m afraid you’re in my office
and I’ll have to ask you to leave
WELL I
I’M GOING TO GO TO AFRICA AND KILL EVERYTHING I SEE THERE

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