Holiness Movement
MONK #1: all right
you read the Bible
right?
MONK #2: right
MONK #1: whole thing?
MONK #2: A to done
MONK #1: okay whatd you get out of it
MONK #2: we should touch snakes
MONK #1: really?
yeah
touch em up a bunch
MONK #1: anything else
MONK #2: mm
mostly just the snakes
Church of England
MONK #2: whats that one church there is already
MONK #1: what?
MONK #2: what’s the one church we all have
MONK #1: the Catholic Church?
MONK #2: yeah
MONK #1: what about it?
MONK #2: lets do the same thing but just of England
MONK #1: why would we do that
MONK #2: to
for making the king’s divorce
MONK #1: so the same
except for there’s divorce?
MONK #2: yeah
MONK #1: so is it okay of all divorce
MONK #2: no
what?
no
just the one
don’t get carried away
just the one is fine
Anabaptists
MONK #1: you finished the Bible right
MONK #2: yeah pretty much
MONK #1: gimme the gist of it
MONK #2: mmmm
MONK #1: like what will we do that’s different from everyone else
MONK #2: oh
don’t get kids wet
MONK #1: what
MONK #2: like we can only get adults wet
don’t put your kids in water
no wet babies
Nondenominational/Evangelical
MONK #1: what are we going to do with all these extra screens
and projectors
and PowerPoint slides
MONK #2: i have an idea
Waldensians
MONK #1: where do we stand on the matter of ecclesiastical o–
MONK #2: CLOGS
MONK #1: what
MONK #2: EVERYBODYS GOTTA WEAR CLOGS
Pentecostals
MONK #1: all right a brand new church
what do you want to do
MONK #2: i think we should find out how God talks
and talk that way
MONK #1: what do you mean
MONK #2: i think we should find out what language God uses when we’re not around
and use it back at him
MONK #1: why would we do that
can’t he already understand what we’re saying
MONK #2: i dunno
be polite
show an interest in where he comes from
i think itd be nice
i think hed appreciate it
MONK #1: ok
MONK #2: also if youre praying in church
you should fall down
Methodists
MONK #1: all right we’re gonna start a new denomination
throw off the corruption of the Anglican clergy
what are we about
what do we value
MONK #2: CAN WE HAVE CHURCH OUTSIDE
MONK #1: i
what?
MONK #2: IT’S REALLY NICE OUT
CAN WE HAVE PREACHING OUTSIDE
Unitarian Universalists
Monk #2: im tired
are you tired
MONK #1: yeah im tired
MONK #2: do you want to just stop
MONK #1: yeah
should we do anything for this one
MONK #2: no
sure
whatever
we’ll finish it later
lets go get root beer floats
MONK #1: ok
Tags: christianity, denominations, methodists really did pioneer open-air preaching, religion, two monks inventing things
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Two Medieval Monks Invent Bestiaries
I am a pastor and this is the best thing ever! Thank you so much. (Also the Lutherans and Presbyterians are just ripe for the explainin’. I’m just saying.)
Presbyterians
Monk 1: So, predestination: yes or no?
Monk 2: How about just a little bit?
Monk 1: …not sure what you mean
Monk 2: Exactly.
When I attended a new members orientation at a Presbyterian church a few years ago, this is basically what the mention of predestination was.
One of my favorite things I’ve read about Taosim is that Taoists believe that 50% (exactly 50%) of your life is predestined.
But… which 50%? HOW DO I KNOW?
Well, that is why you got to spend fifteen years studying at a monastery in China, and then, it’s like they say, “A man who studies Taoism at a monastery has a diamond in his pocket.”
Which, it turns out, in this case “diamond” means “the Ten Thousand Facet Diamond Mind,” which is actually the power to see Ten Thousand years into the past or future.
Taoism.
(Presbyterians)
Monk 1: do you ever feel like maybe
Monk 2: what
Monk 1: idk people might take “limited atonement” the wrong way
Monk 2: what
i worked so hard on this acronym
look if you think can come up with something better that’s fine
i mean
i just think that people like tulips and
Monk 1: no im sorry we can do your thing
Luther: Enough of this already. Spread the word. New church.
Monk 2: Okay, but what are we gonna do?
Luther: We’ll nail it to a church door. Our ideas. Lots of them.
So everyone who goes to that church will see and go to our church.
Instead.
Monk 2: That seems a little rude. I mean, on their own church doors.
Like advertising your new Italian restaurant on the door of another Italian restaurant.
I mean, I’m just saying.
Luther: Do you want this to happen or not? You gotta meet the people where they’re at.
The church people are at the church door.
Monk 2: Alright. Do you have nails or should I bring them?
Luther: So after the nailing part.
Monk 2: Yes?
Luther: Grace for everyone and also hotdish.
Monk 2: Hot… dish?
Luther: Lots of hotdish. Potlucks every Sunday.
It’ll be like Mass, but with more cheese and tater tots.
Luther: Also, beer. Beer should be a church thing.
Presbyterians
Monk 1: so what if it was like a church
Monk 2: right
Monk 1: but everyone has to be on a lot of committees
Monk 2: but why?
Monk 1: for fun
Monk 1: committees are fun
Monk 1: we’ll still do the communion thing
Monk 2: okay
Monk 1: but it will just be with grape juice in tiny, tiny cups
Monk 2: why would we do that
Monk 1: it will symbolize wine
Monk 1: and cups
I can keep going
…this also works for the Episcopal church
and probably a lot of churches
like. Why does the solution to every damn thing have to be “form a committee”. The furnace is broken. WE NEED A FURNACE COMMITTEE. (They’ll work with the thermostat committee that we formed last winter). Can we put up a sign on Main street? FIRST WE MUST HAVE A SIGNAGE COMMITTEE. Can we change the Facebook page to have our mission statement on it? CONSULT THE SOCIAL MEDIA COMMITTEE. The basement flooded? A FLOOD RESPONSE COMMITTEE.
When our basement flooded, it was during choir rehearsal, so the Flood Response Committee was just a bunch of us standing around with buckets in water up to our ankles. Good times.
ROOT BEER FLOATS FOREVER/until the end of our natural lives after which there is perhaps nothing (but who knows!).
After a loooooong period of complete disgust-turned-apathy to any form of organized religion, I’ve been seriously considering checking out the UU church, and dammit if this piece didn’t just tip me over the edge to stopping in for a service next sunday morning.
ROOT BEER FLOATS FOREVER! ROOT BEER FLOATS FOR EVERYBODY! ROOT BEER FLOATS FOR ETERNITY OR NOT AS THE CASE MAY BE! \o/
(also, loooool i’m getting ads for the mormon church on the sidebar. hahahahahhaha)
Just as a warning, not all UU churches are welcoming root beer float communities. You should shop around until you find one that offers root beer floats every week.
Good advice! I will proceed with caution until I know their official Root Beer Stance.
You seem knowledgeable about this. I’m mostly enjoying my current UU church, but we hardly ever have root beer floats. Do you know of any resources on increasing a congregation’s root beer-ness that I could pass to our various committees?
I spent 18 years in a UU church, and never once had a root beer float there. But there must be some Beacon Press books and UUA pamphlets on increasing your congregation’s root beer-ness. Maybe if you brought in some root beer from the outside to start with, or hung up a root beer flag on the outside of the building?
I have always pitched UU as having the basic tenet that “Sunday morning is excellent for coffee and donuts, ya know?” So perhaps they can stand in for the root beer floats.
I am only glancingly familiar with the UU church (or any other for that matter), but it is my impression that you just have to start a root beer float committee.
I think I’ll go start a root beer float committee for my home. If I can get the cat to sit in, we’ll have enough for a quorum.
Sure, that sounds simple, but we can hardly get people to sit on the committees we already have.
It’s probably one of those things where you have to spend two years discussing the idea to get buy-in from the congregation.
LET’S AFFIRM THE INHERENT WORTH AND DIGNITY OF ALL FLOATS.
ALSO PEOPLE WHO DO NOT WANT FLOATS. That is a valid life choice that we should all respect. We should probably announce it on Sunday, that we fully accept floatlessness.
As long as they are not floatless because they are Republicans. Because that is NOT COOL.
My dad (RIP) was a moderate Republican and a devoted 40-year member of his local UU church. He brought up politics all the time at coffee hour – in retrospect, I think it was just to dick with people.
Mine was, too–but he never went to church unless my sister or I were doing something in front of people or needed a chaperone for something. He loathed the minister, and it was so mutual that while delivering the eulogy, the minister noted that my dad was named after Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren–“though, perhaps, given his politics, Warren G. Harding would have been more appropriate.” Eulogy subtitle: “In Which My Father Posthumously Proves That He Was Right About That Guy Being A Giant Asshole.”
Ugh, my father’s UU funeral also included an asshole minister – or three. The way we were treated during that process was so awful that I severed all ties to that church. It also confirmed for me that the UUA does pretty much fuck-all to support congregations. (But I’m not bitter or anything.)
My late partner was a UU and in seminary, and I would go to church with her sometimes. I’m convinced that coffee hour is the divine plan to make us confront our awkwardness.
Those Unitarians and their root beer floats.
I mean, if you don’t want rootbeer floats, we don’t have to have rootbeer floats. Maybe we should start a committee, to see what percentage of the congregation wants rootbeer floats. We can also offer a vegan option. Unless nobody wants a vegan option?
Is using vanilla ice cream okay? Maybe we should use ice cream more representative of our idealized church demographic. We should make an ice cream committee. and a soda committee. ALL THE COMMITTEES.
I just want a root beer float though. BUT IT’S OKAY IF OTHER PEOPLE DON’T.
Then you’d be Presbyterian.
Shouldn’t there be some coffee in their floats?
As a current member of a nondenominational church who grew up in an Assembly of God church while attending a private Southern Baptist school: YES.
So I was raised nondemoninational and I think it predated powerpoint; at the time it was more like, “Jesus loves the folk rock! Moar guitarz!”
I know nothing about the denominations, so I’m just gonna go with this.
Well I do know some. Shakers just wanna not have sex in very organized, round houses right?
As a kid once I read a novel about these two teenagers who grew up in a Shaker community and fell in love as horny teenagers but weren’t able to, like….contact one another at all, but there was this surprisingly-erotic-for-a-teen-novel bit where the guy found one of the girl’s stockings that she had just taken off, and it was still warm and “had the shape of her leg” and that was basically my entire understanding of Shakers for a long time. No sex and teens desperate to bone.
Yess. I went on a school trip to a Shaker village when I was a kid. Lots of not-boning, but also the most organized rooms. the walls are all bins and you put all your stuff in the bins and then you hang your furniture on the knobs when you wanna sweep! My mom has a Shaker rocking chair and I desperately want it.
My parents went on a trip to the Shaker village when I was VERY tiny and my mom still talks about how wonderfully organized and set up the room was. I do love Shaker-style furniture and their trundle beds! And how CONVENIENT for cleaning!
I first read “two teenagers who grew up in a Skater community” and I was like yes, that’s an Avril Lavigne song.
Presented here in gender-neutral revision: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCARU384BJY
Oh my god can someone write lyrics to Sh8kr Boi?
He was a boy
She was a girl
Can I make it any more obvious?
[No, all that need saying is already said by stating their genders for everyone knows sex is immoral and forbidden and the two genders shall never meet, end of song]
The Gift of Sarah Barker by Jane Yolen! Yes. Sarah and Abel. That’s how I first learned about the Shakers.
Also they invented lots of things. Like selling seed packets! And flat brooms!
The Shakers are super great and fascinating, and Hancock Shaker Village in western MA is one of my favorite outdoor museums.
This right here is a perfect example of why I love the Toast. I can make a totally one-off comment about a book vaguely remembered from my childhood and someone knows not only the name of the book, but the author and the main characters.
Bless us, every one.
Yesss. Glad I could help!
I remember that book! It was I think my first exposure to Jane Yolen so I was totally unprepared for her sleeping beauty holocaust novel argh.
As an atheist who grew up Catholic-adjacent, my understanding of various Christian denominations when I was younger was 1. Catholic 2. Almost Catholic but a little different (Episcopalian) and 3. Anything that used Power Point.
This is exactly what I thought. The fancier the church, the closer to Catholic.
And then you have Orthodox, a.k.a. “Put MORE GOLD on that gold right now!!”
“How can we fit more gold onto this gold thing?” “Put a little gold crown on it!” “PERFECT.”
Catholic and Orthodox, united in “WTF is up with having hymns that rhyme?”
MONK #1: hey
how can i make my tiny gold handbag more metal?
MONK #2: smoke, bro
lots of smoke
Dying of laughter now. Thank you for that.
<a href=”http://everydayimpastoring.tumblr.com” target=”_blank”>http://everydayimpastoring.tumblr.com
I did not learn that Orthodox was not a form of Catholic until like, 3 years ago. Their churches are so fancy! Gotta be Catholic.
Also, length of service. If you can set your stop watch to it, it’s Catholic.
If the priest says, “Let us depart in peace,” and it’s 20 more minutes of singing, it’s Orthodox.
My dad times Catholic masses and the homilies of the priests. Then he figures out who the best priests are to go to by average homily time. God, but I wish I was making this up.
My dad does the same thing. I’m sensing a feature in the next Dad Magazine.
Our former (Episcopal) priest gave long homilies, and he was politely but firmly told that he should keep his homilies to 10 minutes or risk the general ire of the parish. Our current priest was informed of this upfront. It’s a good selling point.
A former priest at my church had a Ph.D in clinical psychology and really wanted to show off his many years of book larnin’ and gave TWENTY-MINUTE HOMILIES. Weekly. I swear. My dad was the only person who loved attending his Masses because and I quote “You learned so much!”
Isn’t this a storyline in basically every BBC or Channel Four show set in Ireland, ever?
My mom doesn’t break out a stop watch, but otherwise she does this! She says she sees the same people at every mass, regardless of when it is, so I figure it’s not that uncommon.
My family is – well, we say we’re Catholic so that we won’t break the hearts of all the little old Italian relations, but we’re not really. The only churchgoing we do is for various celebratory events, and most of us can often be found trickling outside for some air when the mass hits the 45 minute mark and still isn’t over yet.
My best friend got married in a Catholic church this past summer, and I was a bridesmaid, sitting at least 10 rows of pews away from my family. When the mass clocked out at 25 minutes, I audibly heard my dad loud-whisper to my mom, “That wasn’t too bad!”
Pretty sure that makes you extra-authentically Catholic.
My priest in high school told us (granted, at LifeTeen Mass, so way more laid back) that if he ever went over 5 minutes, we should raise our hand and he would wrap it up. We never had to raise our hands. He was the greatest, and super smart and nice. I kinda need him to live forever.
The Late Great Monsignor Thomas M. Wells used to say that 12-15 minutes was the absolute max you could ever hope to hold anybody’s attention and he never did go longer than that. Ironically, he did fantabulous sermons and you could have listened to him for an hour and not been bored. I got so much out of knowing him.
Our priest used to cut mass short when he wanted to get home to watch the football.
We had a priest who would cut Mass short on days the housekeeper was cooking/making cake for events.
I’m a Diet Catholic/Catholic Lite, AKA Episcopalian. Mallory’s remark about “just the one don’t get carried away” explains everything very nicely.
ETA: do other churches really do PowerPoint? Like, in church in the service, and not just during a Finance Committee meeting?
for like, worship lyrics, and to project the video of the pastor speaking for everyone in the cheap sheets, yeah
I like to picture the people in the way back curled up in some low-thread count sheets, ready to take a nap because they can’t see the pastor anyway.
This really needs to be responded to with a medieval picture of someone being swaddled or wrapped in a winding sheet or something, but alas I am at work.
I grew up Catholic in a very secular country and the idea that churches could be so full as to have cheap seats is amazing to me. I used to go to church with my grandparents and there might be 20 people, max. The only time the church was full was midnight mass at Christmas and when someone old and venerable died.
And then I went to a funeral service in a evangelical church and lo there was PowerPoint and it was confusing, as was the lack of kneeling on hard uncomfortable pews.
Oh most definitely. The sermon outline appears there, sometimes with helpful fill-in-the-blanks, and the occasional Morally Relevant Youtube Clip.
Also, we decided that pews were too stuffy, which meant we had nowhere to put the hymnals, so we chucked those too, and now all our song lyrics are also on PowerPoint. (Not that we really sing hymns per se…)
Do you go to the same church as my parents???
The best thing about Powerpoint usage there is that the preacher uses Google Images, sometimes without realizing that what he’s using is a Thing and not a stock image–like when for a sermon entitled (my eye roll goes here) “Prisoners of God,” he used a blurred-out version of Dean Winchester’s (of the TV show Supernatural) mugshot. BUT MY SISTER AND I STILL RECOGNIZED IT and then we had to punch each other with one hand and stifle our screams with the other.
That might be the best thing that’s ever happened in an evangelical church. I mean that’s truly amazing.
I thought that after 13 years of reading Slacktivist, I knew all the subculture-specific concepts, but… Morally Relevant Youtube Clip?
The pastor at my parents’ church used a commercial with Chuck Norris in it because his theme for the service was “Epic.”
The CHRISTMAS service.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go back after that.
WAT
In my experience they can take one of two forms.
1) The appropriation of mainstream culture to make a point
(e.g., Frank Sinatra’s “I Did It My Way” (audio only or set to some kind of montage), with subsequent discussion of how doing things Your Way as opposed to God’s Way leads to bad things like Hell (there is a way that seems right to a man, but the end thereof is death),
or Regina Spektor’s “Laughing With”, to illustrate how even those self-satisfied unbelievers still need God when the going gets rough)
2) dramatic or comedic skit-type thingamajigs created expressly for use during worship services or youth groups etc., often with someone portraying a white-robed Jesus shaking his head admonishingly at the antics of modern-day Christians.
http://everydayimpastoring.tumblr.com/post/978681…
I am so glad youtube didn’t exist when I was in youth group. Even without it we listened to plenty of cheeseball secular pop songs that our youth group leader would then interpret for us through the lens of her own strangely emo interpretation of christianity. Like “Against All Odds” is about how much Jesus loves you and how he’ll always take you back when you stray. And some strained interpretation of Don Henley’s “End of the Innocence” that was so traumatically lame I can’t even remember it.
My lefty progressive choir sang at a United Church service a couple of years ago. We stayed for the whole service, for politeness. No Morally Relevant Youtube Clip. but the sermon, by the extremely young female minister, riffed on Djesus Unchained, the Saturday Night Live parody of Django Unchained. It was actually quite delightful.
For this particular atheist, American-style Evangelical shenanigans + Power Point = Voltron of NOPE.
“Voltron of NOPE” is an amazing phrase and I will totally use it whenever possible, especially at work.
I have been in an Anglican church that used Powerpoint! It was for a christening. Only the vicar wasn’t very good at using it, so when he flicked to the hymn we all saw the big red Powerpoint note that said, “REMEMBER TO DO SEARCH/REPLACE ON BABY’S NAME.”
Oh bless.
Clearly the note was for nothing.
Church IT support only helps those who help themselves.
My favorite description of episcopalians/anglo-catholics (the church i grew up in/abandoned) was “all of the pomp, none of the guilt.”
Same! The first time I went to a church for some distant relative’s baptism and saw they used PowerPoint I was FLOORED. Like, whoa, people do this???
So, this is tangential, but I grew up in a Methodist family and had absolutely no exposure whatsoever to other denominations. We moved to a very Catholic community when I was in first grade, and my school bus also served one of the local Catholic schools. I had NO IDEA what the word “Catholic” meant. I didn’t even know how to pronounce it. I read it as “cat-holic” in my head. Eventually I learned the basics of what it was, obviously, but I remember feeling very left out and confused when pretty much everyone in my 6th grade class went through CCD at the same time, and none of them would tell me what it stood for.
We were all baptized Catholic (see above) but did not go to church or CCD after that. My little sister was riding home from a cousin’s first communion with a family friend when she was about six, and the dad asked her when she would be making her first communion. She proudly retorted “Oh we’re not Catholic, we’re democrats.” She was correct on both accounts. We are still laughing about that.
None of them probably knew what it stood for. I am now an atheist, but I went to Catholic high school and was confirmed so spent many a year in CCD and I just googled CCD and figured out what it stood for.
YES, why not base a whole religion on this: Mark 16:18 – They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.
What could go wrong?
I’ve been replacing the chorus of David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance” with TOUCH SNAKES and it works surprisingly well.
TOUCH SNAKES
Put on your church clothes and touch some snakes
TOUCH SNAKES
To the hymn they’re singing in the choooir
If you slither, I’ll slither with you
If you say HSSS, we’ll HSSSSSSS
Because my love for you
Would tear a snake in two
If you should fall into my arms
And tremble like a rattle(snake)
This is perfect and you are perfect.
Yes, it’s basically a religion based on a misunderstanding of grammer: “They shall” meaning it’s mandatory, or “They shall” meaning they totally could if they wanted and probably get away with it.
What’s surprising is how often they do get away with it.
I have this image now of all the other denominations standing around, all “we could totally handle the snakes if we wanted to, we’d be fine. We just don’t want to.”
Unitarians: *takes enormous hit of a controlled substance*
What if it was, like, a church, but like NOT a church, man????
Dudes, this hanging out on Sunday thing is awesome. But all this talk about the Jesus guy… I dunno, it makes me kinda super-uncomfortable, I guess?
forgot the booze for Church of England, Mallory. The Altar Ladies will be over to be very disappointed at you once they finish their morning cocktails.
i forgot nothing.
::narrows eyes, adjusts pearls::
I live a little every time I meet a Catholic and explain transubstantiation to them. Art history teaches you a fair grounding on Christianity!
So that would fall under the category of Subjects We Should Have Covered IN CCD but instead jettisoned in favor of Pre-Marital Sex Is Bad Birth Control Is Bad and Virgin Birth Is The Bestest.
In my vain and wicked youth, I met a young Catholic man.
“Can I ask you a kinda jerky question about Catholicism?” I said
“I guess so.” He said. (He made a “waiting for a discussion of priest sexual abuse face”)
“Do you really believe in literal transubstantiation?”
“Oh. Um, yes. Yes, pretty much.”
“Gross.”
“It’s not gross!”
“It’s pretty gross. But cool that you get a gross miracle every day you go to mass.”
This is all very similar to how I explained the difference between Southern Baptists and the Church of Christ to my Lutheran spouse. “Basically they’re the same and they both hate booze and swearing and dancing and fun, except the Baptists will let you have music to go along with your hymns, and the CoCers are strictly a cappella.”
I was raised CoC and … yeah, basically.
Former coC-er here! Explaining the lack of instruments to my formerly Catholic boyfriend was met with a confused stare.
Former COC here too and… yep. As a related note, all of the hardcore Bible study growing up means that I’m constantly explaining the stories behind the less-celebrated Jewish holidays and why certain foods are non-kosher to my secular Jewish boyfriend. It’s weird.
Late to the game on this article, but props for using the lower case “c” for church of Christ. That’s how you know the true believers.
Based on this logic, I’m experiencing a new and wholly unexpected desire to explore Pentacostalism. It DOES seem polite, doesn’t it?
Doesn’t it??
Oh man the evangelical one. Perfect.
Based on my childhood experience of Episcopalianism, that denomination was just a product of Monks 1 and 2 blowing off any serious Bible-bashing and just having some cheese and crackers instead.
I like Episcopalianism because it’s like, the English wanted to have their own church, but they didn’t want the pope to be in charge, so they made the Anglican church, and then Americans wanted THEIR own church but they didn’t want anyone to be in charge, so bang. Episcopals.
episcopalianism is really quite an american religion. your stuff, but set up our way, and DON’T TELL US WHAT TO DO! but, kinda thumbs up a little? maybe?
I really feel like the schism at the heart of the American revolution is pretty well healed at this point. “What, you guys have an archbishop? Huh. What were we even fighting about anymore, I don’t even remember. Hug it out guys, let’s just get back to the real heart of the church: thinking Catholics are silly.”
“Although the Anglo-Catholics are ok, for some reason. We know they’re actually Catholic, but we welcome their stewardship contributions anyway.”
And wine. Don’t forget the wine. As a born-and-bred Baptist, I never cease to be amazed at the omnipresence of wine at the Episcopalian church functions my husband so enjoys. (In real wine glasses, even! And all out in the open like there’s no reason to hide it!)
Mallory? Can we have the Toast outside today? PLEASE!? It is so nice out.
Can you tell I was raised Methodist?
YES can we have church outside and can we have Oreo’s and milk for Communion????
We always had Tang after church, in the garden, but for Communion, it was always grape juice.
At church camp and retreats we often had different things because the book of discipline doesn’t require that it be bread and grape juice (I think just that it be blessed by a pastor.) We had apple juice at coffee hour when I was younger and I hated it.
Did you know that Welches grape juice was invented so methodists could have nonalcoholic communion? All other grape juice drinkers can thank temperance movement methodists. http://www.gbod.org/resources/changing-wine-into-…
Oh man, don’t tell the Episcopalians. We drink high-octane port at communion, which the priest makes a show of mixing with about 3 drops of water. Then if you’re a lay eucharistic minister (as I am), you have to finish any left over in the glass. Many’s the time I’ve headed for coffee hour after the service in an…um…exhilarated state.
(The temperance movement methodists are spinning in their graves right now.)
And yet the hotel rooms at Annual Conference are full of Methodist ministers getting loaded after 12 hours of holy conferencing about how much we affirm that gay people have the right to exist but should not actually be gay in any way lest the Southern Baptists accuse us of not being Bible-based.
I’m only 7 years into this church and already I am jaded.
Don’t forget the doughnuts!
For the, like, one year or just over a year or whatever that my family attended church when I was little, we went to a Methodist church. A few years later someone asked me if I missed anything about church:
Me: “Doughnuts holes. There was a lot of boring stuff, but afterwards we got doughnut holes.”
Them: *blank expression*
Me: “There were chocolate ones.”
OMG! I forgot about the doughnut holes! Doughnut holes and Tang, that is what church is all about.
The communion of the new millennium.
We got peanut butter crackers in Sunday School – but we only got to have ONE each. And I always wanted more.
One day when it was my turn to say grace, I said pointedly, “Lord, thank you for this…*eyebrow raise*…cracker???” and the teacher laughed for about two minutes and then let me have an extra one.
I also angled for extra M&Ms by claiming they were for my (unborn) siblings.
In Sunday School we used to get oreos and I would take mine apart and scrape all the creme out and roll it into a big ball and just eat the cookies.
It’s possible I’d get another kid to eat the ball of creme. Or maybe I just threw it out, I’m not really clear on that, I just remember the part where I rolled it into a ball instead of eating it.
I know nothing about any of these except I got the Church of England one and that made me laugh by itself; I imagine if I did know anything about denominations I’d be dead on the floor.
Aw, no Quakers? They’re my favorite!
you are correct. There are no Quakers in this piece.
“in THIS piece…” *fingers crossed*
Monk #1: So, new denomination.
Monk #2: …
Monk #2: …
Monk #2: ….
Monk #1: New denomination?
Monk #2: Shhh!
Hey, maybe the spirit is telling Monk 1 to speak. We should respect that.
Perhaps that is what Monk #1’s next line will be. Working out worship guidelines takes time!
I went to a Quaker school! Silence and lectures on how to be a conscientious objector.
April is the cruelest month . . . Can we have church outside?
Aw, no Quakers? They’re my favorite! So peaceful, so silent, so many elderly ladies talking about their cats.
Wait, were the Golden Girls Quaker?
And knitting. And some of us are technically not old. Even if we do have a touch of arthritis when it gets damp.
I feel like I should stand up for Believer’s Baptism, but meh.
Damn straight, no wet babies!
(Raised American Baptist and baptized at 13 here!)
Word.
American Baptist high-five! (“No, not like that — the good kind of Baptist”)
Ahahaha, yes. ALL the time. “Not Southern Baptist. Well, it’s sort of more liberal? But really it just depends on the specific church you’re at.”
YES. I always explain it as more similar to the Congregationalists than Southern Baptists. (I also say “like Jimmy Carter Baptist, not Focus on the Family Baptist,” but that’s probably only a meaningful distinction here in the south.) My small town Baptist church growing up had a part-time woman minister and a gay deacon (he wasn’t open and no one talked about it, but he was a middle-aged single man who would not have been accepted as a leader in most SBC churches).
My husband takes our kids to an Episcopalian church now and I have no problems with it but still refuse to let them be baptized because WTFFF, like a baby can make that decision.
Also true story: Most Baptists are all about keeping a pretty bright line separation of church and state unlike their SBC peers.
I am not a Christian, but I have always felt that adult baptism just made a lot more sense (and like, real adult, not “I got baptised when I was six and that’s totally legit and uncoerced even though my dad was the pastor)
I think most churches with infant baptism have kind of confirmation-y thing, where you affirm your faith and make a commitment to the church yourself. In my church it was when you were a teenager. Then infant baptisms were mostly about blessing the baby and welcoming it to the community and everyone promising to help teach it about God. (Adult baptisms, for adults who weren’t baptised as babies, did include the commitment stuff.)
Mind you, it turns out that the commitment from teenage me was not all that permanent, but I meant it at the time, and sometimes commitments from adults aren’t that permanent either.
They do. I am completely on board with child dedication/naming ceremonies, which is what infant baptisms basically function as, in that I see the value inherent in presenting your child to the community and asking for the community’s acknowledgement and support in raising that child as a member of the community. And it makes sense to then have that individual have an opportunity to stand up as an adult to affirm that this is the faith they choose for themselves and want to continue in. But I know plenty of people who were confirmed (as Catholics) as teenagers because their parents insisted on it, which means it really isn’t that different than baptizing a baby who has no choice in the matter. I am sure there are also plenty of teenagers who voluntarily go through with their confirmations and are sincere. My real doctrinal issue is with Baptists who claim to be against infant baptism but who will baptize very young children (the aforementioned six-year-old is someone I know). Yes, there is some free will, and Catholics believe that the age of reason is about 7 (hence First Communion at that age), but I don’t know how much true understanding and religious discernment a 1st grader has. (I also understand why people baptize babies, especially if baptism is seen as the key to salvation and you have a high infant mortality rate.)
FWIW, Baptists usually have some sort of dedication ceremony for infants. You promise to raise your child in the faith and the church community promises to support you and help you raise the child (as you said). Just no water involved! But I am biased in favor of adult baptism because of my own upbringing, so.
I don’t think we baptized anyone younger than 12 or so. Probably not least of all because being baptized made you an “official” member of the congregation, and thus able to vote on budgets and such.
I think it really depends on the specific denomination/church in terms of how old you have to be.
Amusingly, the UU church my mom and I went to when I was a kid did not allow anyone under I think 12 or 13 to be a member, because of the voting, etc. But there was no water involved (you got a nametag though)
I remember being a kid (Methodist) and REALLY looking forward to finally getting my nametag.
Teenagers doing things because of parental pressure is a problem, but I’m not sure that not letting teenagers do things is the solution. Especially if the thing is a commitment that they can abandon fairly easily later, which is kind of how I see confirmation now, though of course it probably varies from church to church. (And I’m probably biased by having abandoned my own commitment to Christianity by becoming an atheist.)
Ditto. I was confirmed because that’s a thing that you do when you’re 14 and it was important to my mom. I don’t think I even realized at the time what I was “confirming.” It feels like an anachronism from a time when 14 was the verge of adult responsibilities. Now it would make more sense to have confirmation at, say… 25?
I think the age of baptism depends on the Baptist congregation. I grew up Baptist and surrounded by other Baptists and have never heard of anyone younger than 12 being baptized. Maybe 10 or 11 if all of your friends from youth group were being baptized at the same time. But I’ve never heard of anyone as young as 6.
I was 7! Though, um, admittedly I am not Baptist but Open Brethren (aka Not A Denomination We Are Serious About This I Mean Really Don’t Even Go There) but that’s sort of close enough?
I did have to have a meeting with all the elders first and convince them I knew what I was doing and what it meant and that I really wanted to and wasn’t being pressured by my parents or anything of that sort, though.
Oddly enough, the Methodist church complex in my town had a giant room suitable for massive community events, and for some reason, they seemed to be the only people in town with such a room. So basically every indoor event in my town was held at the Methodist church. Were they not proper Methodists?!
oh no totally it’s that Methodists semi invented/revived open-air preaching in Europe!
Oh!! I did not know that. I also did not know about the nondenominational/evangelical love for PowerPoint. This has been a very educational morning. Thanks!
My husband has no idea about the various Christian denominations other than “Catholic and Not Catholic,” but every time he asks me about the difference between, I don’t know, First Holiness Presbyterian With A Touch Of Baptist Church of God versus the United Church of Christ And God and The Holy Spirit, I end up going “Uh, I don’t know, but like….okay, imagine if there was one church and then half the people decided they wanted to wear red hats and half didn’t and the red-hatted people went off to form their own church.” I’m going to start referring him to this.
My dude is an ex-Catholic and is totally baffled by all things non-Catholic. And he does this to me all the time. What do they do in that church over there? Uh, talk about God and stuff.
I shall now assign him to read about the monks.
I don’t know anything about anabaptists so now I’m just going to think of them as the no wet babies ones.
Also killer beards. (Amish and probably others but who cares where are their beards.)
It is, actually, basically about the water. About the same time as the Reformation, various folks in various parts of Europe started saying, “Hey, as long as we’re talking about this stuff any way, shouldn’t we wait to make people Christians until AFTER they say they want to be?” And then the Catholic church and Luther and Zwingli and the rest of the newly-minted Protestants were like, “Wait, here’s something we can all agree on: kill anyone who doesn’t pour water on babies!” So the various Anabaptist groups either got wiped out or scattered around the world, mainly to the Americas, where you can still find pockets of us: Amish, Mennonites, Hutterites, Brethren, and a few others.
HAHA TWO MONKS COULDN’T INVENT JUDAISM CUZ WE PRECEDED CHRISTIANITY BITCHES
Sure, but let’s be real, we secretly (well not secretly, but most people don’t bother to know ’em) have denominations. Trying to explain Conservative Orthodox vs. Regular Flavor Orthodox to my non-Jewish husband was fun.
Yeah, we’re all about the denominations, ever since the Peoples’ Front of Judaea split off from the Judaean Peoples’ Front.
Bless you and all you stand for. also, l’shanah tova! Happy apples and honey to you.
And to you!
SPLITTERS.
I’m all, “It’s okay, Irish Catholic mother-in-law, our congregation is Reform. Honestly, just be glad the kid is praying at all.”
She doesn’t get it, though.
Explain Lubavitchers. Just try.
Oy. It would take at least three monks.
Rabbi 1: We found the REAL Messiah
Rabbi 2: Oh yeah?
Rabbi 1: Yeah, in Brooklyn! He heals people and performs miracles and everything!
Rabbi 2: What does he want of us?
Rabbi 1: To go to college campuses and random street corners with vans and spread the good word about Orthodox Judaism so the world will be purified and so he will come back from the dead!
Rabbi 2: Wait he’s dead…?
Rabbi 1: Yeah but you can still get a blessing if you send a fax to his gravesite.
Rabbi 2: ……..
I would really really love two monks on various Judaisms, somersaults and all.
I’m picturing a lot of discussion about acoustic guitars and hats.
Good lord, it took four rabbis all night to decide whether or not it was a good thing to tell the story of the Exodus or not.
Reform Judaism
Rabbi 1: Now that there’s less persecution of us here in Germany, check this out!
Rabbi 2: What?
Rabbi 1: There’s… LUTHERANS!
Rabbi 2: And?
Rabbi 1: WE SHOULD BE MORE LIKE THE LUTHERANS!
Modern Orthodoxy
Rabbi 1: Halakhah is super important!
Rabbi 2: Yeah, but streimels and floor length black skirts are kind of passé.
Rabbi 1: True!
Rabbi 2: Also, maybe we should let our kids go to college.
Rabbi 1: That makes sense!
Rabbi 2: So jean skirts and button downs with khakis it is!
(Open Orthodoxy)
Rabbi 3:… and maybe we can give women some limited access to religious authority?
Rabbis 1 and 2: HERETIC!
Reconstructionism
Kaplan: Man, I love Conservative Judaism, let me inject the latest sociological and anthropological learning styles into this religion so we can think of Judaism as a culture as well as a religion
The Entire Conservative Movement: HERETIC!
(50 years later)
Reconstructionist Rabbi: So I’m totally preparing for a vegan potluck, and then after Shabbat I’m going to the climate march!
Conservative Rabbi: You guys are so great. You know, I’m kind of a Reconstructionist myself!
Reconstructionist Rabbi: *facepalm*
Conservative Judaism (only one you left me to do):
Rabbi 1: It’s really hard to tread the middle ground when the middle ground keeps changing and people keep defecting to the left or the right.
Rabbi 2: True but I’m pretty sure those young “pluralist” whippersnappers are the real enemy.
Rabbi 1: Yeah.
(both stare longingly at painting of Heschel)
😀 😀
Eastern Orthodoxy:
Monk 1: Look the church is pretty fancy right
Monk 2: yeah like very fancy.
the pope has a hat that is three feet tall
Monk 1: yeah yeah but what i want to know is
could it be
fancier?
I regret that I have but one thumbs-up to give to this comment.
MONK 1: what do you think we should wear
for church services and stuff
MONK 2 idk something simple
black robes, a small cross on a string
you?
MONK 1 gold
MONK 2 what?
MONK 1 gold
gold brocade robes embroidered with more gold
golden icons
maybe some sequins and seed pearls
MONK 2: idk man
isn’t there something in our vows about like
poverty and simplicity and stuff?
MONK 1 yeah yeah and i totally agree with that
it’s just that
i very much want every single object that i might ever come in contact with
to be encrusted with gold
that’s a central tenet of my faith okay
MONK 2: i guess we can do that
if it means that much to you
AND THUS:
#swag
After Monk 1 got a promotion:
(it was SO HARD to pick just one photo for my previous comment, my god, they’re all so good)
Big fand of All The Tiny Paintings. For when you need a pop of color that is not gold.
I think this is actually the Impressive Clergyman from the Princess Bride.
GOLD. (gold)
Monk 1 i would like a golden hat
adorned with pictures of men wearing golden hats
Monk 2 could we also slather everything with jewels?
Monk 1 i really feel like at this point it would be silly NOT to?
I like the side-eye the dude on the right is giving the camera.
Monk 1: it isn’t my gold and stuff you know it’s all for God.
all the bling is for God.
MONK #1: Also, we have to make sure we choose priests based on neck strength.
You can’t fool me! The guy on the left is clearly Dumbledore.
RONBLEDORE
I’ve never felt shooting Diet Coke out my nose was this worth it.
I was raised Pentecostal/Baptist/Evangelical (What? We switched churches a lot!), but I think I’m really a Methodist at heart. It’s just so PRETTY outside!
I think my favorite thing on ever the internet is a web page I once found espousing snake handling as the One True Religion. I definitely can’t go to it at work because it’s a pile of geocities formatting and bold blinking text about the sin of Sodom, but I think it’s linked at the bottom of the snake-handling wiki page. It’s like that top conversation except forever.
touch em up a bunch
omg. Before even going to the wiki page, I tried googling to see what came up, and there must be more than one of those websites, because the first one I found was just as crazy. Yellow text, background of Jesus’ crucifixion at sunset as the background, etc.
Whoever is writing on behalf of “Holiness Snake Handlers” has a huge section on how people who persecute serpent handlers, etc., will pay for it in the end. I would be hard pressed to choose a favorite quote, but I think these excerpts take the cake:
“Maybe you’re in an area that has no serpents, or are in Antarctica and believe in ALL of God’s Word and ALL of Mark 16 which is IN God’s Word. You will STILL gain favor with God because you accept ALL of His Word and He will KNOW whether you are lying or NOT…Many Serpent Handling churches are NOT exclusive country clubs that say that you MUST find a way to handle a serpent if there isn’t one in your area for thousands of miles otherwise you won’t be saved. That’s absurd. That’s not Scriptural. ” (…it’s holiness-snake-handlers . webs . com if anyone really wants to fall down the same rabbit–er, snake–hole. )
“If you can’t find any snakes to handle, that’s *ok*, I suppose. Just…find something else dangerous, and poke it with a stick.”
Aw man, I didn’t know Unitarian Universalists had root beer floats. FINALLY, A RELIGION I CAN GET BEHIND.
(Waits for someone to pull out that Simpsons clip)
This seems slightly unfair to the Waldensians.
LIFE was pretty unfair to the Waldensians
Which is sad, because they wanted so badly to be fair to life. I mean, did anyone else kick off their apostolic poverty by distributing their wealth to the people from whom they’d earned it?
My mom’s Episcopalian church recently got a new minister and everyone was very proud that he was a convert… from Judaism! It made their congregation a special Anglican-offshoot snowflake, I guess. Anyway: In his first sermon, the minister told of how he came to see The Light. He’d been on a boat and a sudden storm hit (yeah yeah, tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme) and he saw a vision of Jesus (seriously, this kind of god-near-a-boat story was happening before Jesus was even invented), who told him he would be spared death at sea if he would go spread the good word. So after he toweled off a few hours later, he decided to upgrade to Christianity.
But like… okay. Let’s think about that for a sec. Let’s say you had an experience in which Literal Actual Talking Jesus of Nazareth From The Bible And Everything says something to you and asks you to become one of His followers. You might do it, right? But with a crazy, emotive event like that, wouldn’t your two main options be (a) Catholicism (given that it’s the Big Kahuna with all the history and power and shiny things) or (b) charismatic/nondenominational/evangelical (given that those veins are all about personal, one-on-one-chat relationships with Yeshua)? Why would you go with a denomination so wishy-washy that it’s an *offshoot* of ANGLICANISM???
WHO THE FUCK *SEES GOD* AND DECIDES TO BECOME EPISCOPALIAN.
No, you know, I don’t know — I can definitely see someone having a religious experience that leans towards Catholicism (i.e., that supports the sort of institutional and theological history in the church) but actually rejects a lot of the organization of the Catholic Church specifically. Like, if you read a bunch of stuff and were all, “Yeah, you know, triune deity, I get that, sure atonement by good works and grace, I’m down — wait, no gay marriage? No birth control? I don’t know, guys, it sounds like you made that part up.”
Another decent point! But… man, can you imagine the odd sensation of being that dude and, like, shopping around for denominations after THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA talked to him?
I feel like there’d be a lot of stress.
“Heaven and hell are real, man, so CHOOSE WISELY.”
Guy is sitting up at nights surrounded by a pile of pamphlets (“Unitarianism and You!” “Looking for God? Why Not Consider the Missouri Synod?”), just sweating bullets.
“Okay, okay, so transubstantiation could be the thing, it definitely teaches me to keep in mind the eternal immanence of the miraculous…but man, consubstantiation just seems so much more plausible. Fuck. Fuck!”
“Looking for God? Why Not Consider the Missouri Synod?”
for so many reasons. So, so many reasons.
Two Church Ladies Invent the ELCA
CL #1: i could totally write sermons
CL #2: what
CL #1: seriously, and like deliver them too
CL #2: you don’t even have a dick, girl
CL #1: don’t need one
seriously, don’t need one
we are all equal and precious in God’s sight
dicks or not
right?
CL #2: but i still want to sing ‘a mighty fortress’ REALLY LOUD
can we still do that?
CL #1: damn skippy
(they kiss triumphantly)
It is my opnion that no one should really consider the Missouri Synod.
My (Episcopal) choir director always has us sing “A Mighty Fortress” on Reformation Sunday, and he always makes sure to tell me about it.
High-stakes Choose Your Own Adventure
Maybe God had a gin & tonic in his hand when he appeared.
How do you know She doesn’t prefer a whiskey sour?
Actually, I know someone for whom that is more or less how it happened: raised atheist, unexpectedly found God, ended up Episcopalian.
\
Admittedly her parish priest was really startled when she showed up and demanded to be baptized, so that she could take communion.
Me too! Also, the Episcopal Church seems to be a refuge for lots of people from other denominations who hated their churches of origin. Lots of gay Southern Baptists.
Raised UU, unexpectedly found Jesus, ended up Episcopalian. Did the whole baptism thing, now a lay eucharistic minister/prayer leader. Many of my fellow parishioners are ex-Catholics.
Raised Presbyterian. Got found by Jesus (it felt more like that). Decided to lose the increasingly conservative Evangelical church culture. Ended up in an Episcopal church.
Got found by Jesus is a great way to put it! I bet there are interesting differences coming from our different backgrounds – UU vs. Evangelical. I mean, I got crap from my parents for getting “more religious” and not being an atheist. I’m sure your family didn’t see it that way.
Oh heavens, no! They are pretty sure I’m apostate.
Maybe I would have stayed in the Methodist Church longer if we got to have church outside. Obviously we couldn’t because we had to project the words to at least 46 worships songs per week and later it would have been a real pain to move the drum set.
My Methodist church was trying so very hard to be cool. On the weekend Star Wars Episode One released, the organist played the Star Wars theme for our prelude and our minister literally said “The Force Be With You.” (“and also with you”)
There was this other time where she brought chocolate muffins for Communion because she wanted to make it fun for the kids. The Body of Christ, stirred with chocolate chips and baked at 360 degrees, given for you.
UGGGGGHHHHHHHHH i hate worship songs so much. Give me the hymnal and I’ll raise the hymn in the tent outside myself. Stop with the Jesus is my boyfriend music.
Episcopalians have good tag sales and even better cocktails.
PowerPoints. Oh, the PowerPoints. I literally did not hold a hymnbook in my hands until I was maybe fifteen? I grew up going to Evangelical/non-denom churches and they are alll about the projector slideshows of song lyrics. Also, you will probably see video(s) of brown people in another country while a white lady talks about how poor they are and how much they need Our Help.
I have been to a Lutheran church exactly once in my life and my impression of it was “I don’t even know if there was an actual sermon in there, it was just a lot of standing up and sitting down.” That church’s congregation consisted of seven old people and I remember feeling really self-conscious because as visitors we stood out like you wouldn’t believe (or maybe you would).
I laughed really hard at the Methodist one. Ah, church humor.
Someone’s got to throw in that Methodists also move their preachers every few years, if only so we can reference the classic Anne Shirley short story MY GRAVES.
(Miss Cornelia Bryant crashes through your wall like the Kool-Aid Man)
IS SOMEONE TALKING ABOUT METHODISTS IN HERE???
TALK ABOUT PRESBYTERIANS INSTEAD, THEY ARE SO MUCH BETTER
METHODISTS AREN’T WORTH YOUR TIME
#notallmethodists
Now I’m left wondering how LMM’s mentions of religion changed in the books she wrote after the United Church of Canada merged all the Methodists with most of the Presbyterians (and also all the Congregationalists).
This was (kind of?) addressed in Rilla of Ingleside when Rilla writes in her diary:
“She [Miss Cornelia] used to be so bitterly opposed to Church Union. But last night, when father told her it was practically decided, she said in a resigned tone, ‘Well, in a world where everything is being rent and torn what matters one more rending and tearing? Compared with Germans even Methodists seem attractive to me.'”
Thank you!
It’s clearly been too long since I read the Anne books.
Imma let you finish, Cornelia, cause you taught me at the tender age of 11 that being misandrist was awesome, but srsly predestination? Makes God worse than the devil.
#METHODIST4LYFE
My Baptist mother often told my Methodist father that they switched preachers more often than a football team switches quarterbacks in the fourth quarter of a losing game.
We are from The South.
I am swooning with happiness at this comment. The Toast is my spiritual home forever.
One monk invents Quakers, another monk does not.
Monk 1- You know what sucks? Churches. Churches, clergy, and guns.
Monk 2- We should get rid of those
Monk 1- Totes, brah. But we’ll still need to meet somewhere. Let’s call them meeting houses. And not use the names of the months.
Monk 2- Umm….won’t that be confusing?
Monk 1- Also we shut up now.
Monk 2- F this, I’m going Unitarian
Monk 1- SHHHHH
Catholicism:
MONK #1: you know what people are really into?
like, really, really into?
MONK #2: GUILT.
MONK #1: i was going to say alcohol, but—
MONK #2: no, no, that’s good too.
let’s do them both.
let’s do guilt and alcohol.
They *have* tended to go together, in either order.
Going to bookmark this site … Pastafarians can’t be far behind …
Cathars:
Monk 1- You ever notice…?
Monk 2- What?
Monk 1- So, like, God starts off really mean and fiery and she-bears and pillars of salt?
Monk 2- Yeah?
Monk 1- And then he’s really forgiving and nice and stuff?
Monk 2- I never really noticed that.
Monk 1- What if they’re different gods?
Monk 2- MIND. BLOWN.
Monk 1- I know, right?
I was raised without religion. My parents had me and my siblings christened in teh Anglican church. Probably because it was easier to just do it. Both of them had uncles who were Anglican ministers. Anyway, when I was in public school, a friend of mine introduced me to the Friday night children’s services at the Gospel Hall. I think they were Pentecostal. I’m not sure. Women had to cover their (uncut) hair and sit at the back of the church. There was a lot of hellfire in the service.
But. But. If you went, you got a chocolate bar. And if you memorized a verse, you got a dollar. And if you brought a new lamb to the flock, you got to pick a toy from the chest. I was a big reader, so memorizing verses was super easy and I actually love the cadences of the King James bible. And the stories are kind of fun. And the songs were fun.
And in the summer, they’d take the kids out to the farm to play with baby animals, followed by a barbecue. And you only had to sit through, like, a half-hour sermon.
They would come by in a van and pick you up at your house. I asked my parents years later how they thought this was a good idea. My mom, it turns out, also went when she was a kid because my ever practical grandma with 4 daughters decided free babysitting on a Friday evening wasn’t too bad of deal. My father let us go because he figured my sister and I were pretty impervious to conversion (question all authority, all the time was how we were raised) and a good working knowledge of Christianity is never a bad thing in his eyes.
You guys, I was watching a recent episode of the Simpsons and someone asked Moe what his religion was and HE DIDN’T SAY SNAKE-HANDLER. I mean, at least respect your own canon, show.
“I was watching a recent episode of the Simpsons….” There’s your trouble; right there. Moe also ascribes to good old-fashioned voodoo.
yelling about the pope sure got us lit on fire a lot
yep sure did
from now on let’s focus on baked goods and making paper stars
SOLD
(I am surely the only Moravian on the Toast but I had to do it.)
Thank you for not all becoming lit on fire so you could share delicious spice cookies with the rest of us.
(I’m sure there’s more about Moravians that is good and interesting to know, but those cookies are 100% the best)
We also have SUGAR CAKE.
mashed potatoes!!
Recipe #1 – TRADITIONAL MORAVIAN SUGAR CAKE
INGREDIENTS:
1 c. mashed potatoes, unseasoned
Haven’t even read yet. Since I’m in bed all day after falling last night (while ostensibly running), rolling my ankle and tweaking my knee, I might save this one for later today when all I want to do is cry. Like an awesome pie that I know will be so good that I should just get a fork and turn off my ringer until its all gone.
So I grew up Catholic and my thing is not on this list, but reading about Pentecostalism always reminds me of my parents’ brief* flirtation with the Catholic Charismatic Movement. Which, and I don’t mean to sound intolerant here, really should not exist. The whole point of Catholicism is that it’s not Pentecostalism. It’s right there in the Catechism. Q.E.D.
* TWO YEARS. TWO YEARS THAT FELT LIKE AN AGE
church of Christ:
#1: hey states rights are really important yeah?
#2: yeah also not using musical instruments, they are from the devil/North
#1: also can we have church outside, as the first century believers did
#2: sure as long as we also use powerpoints, as the apostles instructed us to
Do Episcopalians have the high church/low church distinction? I was raised Canadian Anglican, regular low church. A few years ago, my friend’s mother wanted to go to Easter Sunday service, so we all went to a local Anglican church, which turned out to be high, very high. Smells and bells, choreography (when we got to “came down from heaven” in the Nicene Creed, everyone simultaneously dropped like a stone to their knees). And the handout for the Order of Service conveyed, without actually spelling it out, that if you wanted to believe in transubstantiation, that wouldn’t really pose a problem. I was amazed. Heresy! Catholic heresy!
We do! Although (and here is the shocking bit) we mostly go down the middle.
Yeah, there are secret Papists everywhere, and it’s unsettling sometimes.
Somehow I need to be able to give this comment more thumbs-up.
My bishop is a secret Papist. WHY, BISHOP SHANNON, WHY?
Although tbf, his red mitre with the gold embroidery is extremely fabulous.
#swag, that’s why
In his defense, I’m basing this primarily on his having quoted Gregory the Great in his sermon at my friend’s ordination (“servants of the servants of Christ”).
It’s probably mostly about the #swag, though. The Episcopal Church lets men wear fancy dresses for whatever reason they want, basically.
Truthfully, I was more fascinated than unsettled. I thought high church leanings were the stuff of English novels from the 1930s. It was the transubstantiation reference that threw me; if you take away the major theological distinction between Catholicism and Anglicanism, then . . . why Anglicanism? Maybe just for the married priests.
Female clergy, openly gay clergy, anger over child sex abuse scandals: coverups thereof…it’s a long list. Basically, if you’re theologically Catholic, but don’t like the Catholic Church, the Anglican communion will welcome you with open arms, give you a place to talk about the Blessed Virgin, and not bother you too much about whether your bread and wine are or are not magically transmuted into the bodily substance of Christ.
Basically, the Episcopal Church is where people who are women and/or gay wind up after realizing they feel disenfranchised.
There’s still plenty disenfranchisement in the Anglican Church. Same sex marriage has been legal in Canada for 9 years, but the Anglican Church will still not perform them. Some dioceses will perform blessings on those marriages, but even that is controversial. As I’m sure you know, this all has to do with the conservatism of the Anglican communion in the Global South, which is where church membership is growing. A global schism over same-sex marriage and ordination of LGBTs seems entirely possible.
Honestly, I’d be kind of ok with that. Presiding Bishop Jefferts-Schorri called worldwide communion “an Enlightenment response to a Post-Modern problem,” and I nearly exploded with glee.
That’s excellent.
Psst, Anabaptists, you’re thinking of gremlins, not babies.
YES! Hahahahaha! Nondenominational felt sooooo familiar. The Lord shall reveal himself through the use of overhead projectors and the church shall be built with rocky/folksy worship songs writ large upon great white screens! Also, His people shall wear cheeky Jesus t-shirts like “Jesus is my Homeboy.” There will be a lot of camping.
Wow, wish I had this when I was explaining Catholics to my Japanese ex. He was a Shintoist and was genuinely shocked that we don’t do reincarnation. Plus he described Catholics as the blood drinking vampire one.
You win the internets.
Well this clarifies many things for me.
The standing joke in my family is that my mother is a lapsed UU. And the required response is “how can you tell?”
For the Anabaptists you left out the part of the conversation where they decided to FIGHT AGAINST THE MAN BY ATTEMPTING TO OVERTHROW THE ENTIRE FEUDAL SYSTEM (because the apocalypse is coming…duh)
then they were all slaughtered. except for the ones who now live in Pennsylvania and sell stuff at farmer’s markets in weird clothes.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/German_Peasants%27_War)
Sara Miles, apparently. And she's awesome.
I definitely thought this post was going to be about math.
JOHN WESLEY IS A SAINT. OK, not actually, but the man who survived a house fire and a ship wreck before founding Methodism almost on accident is a great passion of mine.