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Home: The Toast

ZEUS: what is this
i dont like this
HERA: it’s our son
that’s our son, i’ve just given birth to him
i’ve named him Hephaestus–
[Zeus flings the newborn off Olympus]
ZEUS: what son
i dont see any son

 

ZEUS: wanna hook up
IO: aren’t you married?
ZEUS: my wifes cool
we have an open thing
IO: wow
i guess ok then
[the sky darkens]
ZEUS: oh shit oh fuck
IO: what is it
ZEUS: my wife is coming
IO: i thought you said your wife was cool with–
ZEUS: shut up
i have to think
[ZEUS turns IO into a cow and casually leans against her]
ZEUS [whispering]: i am so sorry
i will change you back as soon as she leaves
HERA: what are you doing down here
ZEUS: I BOUGHT YOU THIS COW ISN’T THIS COW GREAT IT’S A PRESENT FOR YOU YOU CAN KEEP IT FOREVER AND EVEN KILL AND EAT IT IF YOU WANT
[whispering] i am so sorry

 

ZEUS: ok dads dead
awesome
lets split everything up
POSEIDON: ok
HADES: ok
ZEUS: Poseidon you can have the ocean
POSEIDON: ok
ZEUS: i get the sky and also Olympus and also storms and also i’m everyone’s dad
POSEIDON: wait what
ZEUS: Hades you can have the dirt
HADES: do you mean the Earth
ZEUS: no
Gaia still has the Earth
you can have dirt though
HADES: that doesn’t seem f–
ZEUS: and whatever dead people are in the dirt
you can have everything thats dead in the dirt that you want

 

ZEUS: hey baby
wanna make out
EUROPA: i don’t know, i’m kind of–
[Zeus turns into a cow]
ZEUS: how about now

 

[ZEUS appears in DANAE’s bedroom]
DANAE: oh my
ZEUS: hey babe
ever made it with a–
[ZEUS turns into a shower of gold coins]

 

HERA: who is this
ZEUS: who is what
HERA: who is this naked youth
ZEUS: youre going to have to be more specific
HERA: the one at your feet
ZEUS: oh
him
what about him
HERA: where did he come from
ZEUS: where did any of us come from
you know?
could be from the sea
or my own head
or spit up by an angry snake
hard to tell
HERA: did you kidnap him for sex
ZEUS: what
no
what?
HERA: did he kidnap you for sex
ZEUS: no
he’s
my cup guy
this is Ganymede, Official Cup Holder
he holds the cups
HERA: really
ZEUS: youve been saying forever that we need a guy to hold all the cups we use
HERA: i’ve never said that
ZEUS: someones been saying it
i just thought id save us all a little trouble
HERA: why isn’t he holding any cups
ZEUS: what
HERA: if he’s the cup holder why doesn’t he have a cup to offer me
i’m thirsty
ZEUS: I’m
EARTHQUAKE
[ZEUS raises his hands and all of Mount Olympus begins to shake violently. HERA is trapped underneath a falling rock]
ZEUS: sorry babe
cant hear you over all this earthquake

 

[ATHENA leaps fully grown and clad in battle armor out of ZEUS’ head]
ZEUS: oh whoa
hi

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