ZEUS: what is this
i dont like this
HERA: it’s our son
that’s our son, i’ve just given birth to him
i’ve named him Hephaestus–
[Zeus flings the newborn off Olympus]
ZEUS: what son
i dont see any son
ZEUS: wanna hook up
IO: aren’t you married?
ZEUS: my wifes cool
we have an open thing
IO: wow
i guess ok then
[the sky darkens]
ZEUS: oh shit oh fuck
IO: what is it
ZEUS: my wife is coming
IO: i thought you said your wife was cool with–
ZEUS: shut up
i have to think
[ZEUS turns IO into a cow and casually leans against her]
ZEUS [whispering]: i am so sorry
i will change you back as soon as she leaves
HERA: what are you doing down here
ZEUS: I BOUGHT YOU THIS COW ISN’T THIS COW GREAT IT’S A PRESENT FOR YOU YOU CAN KEEP IT FOREVER AND EVEN KILL AND EAT IT IF YOU WANT
[whispering] i am so sorry
ZEUS: ok dads dead
awesome
lets split everything up
POSEIDON: ok
HADES: ok
ZEUS: Poseidon you can have the ocean
POSEIDON: ok
ZEUS: i get the sky and also Olympus and also storms and also i’m everyone’s dad
POSEIDON: wait what
ZEUS: Hades you can have the dirt
HADES: do you mean the Earth
ZEUS: no
Gaia still has the Earth
you can have dirt though
HADES: that doesn’t seem f–
ZEUS: and whatever dead people are in the dirt
you can have everything thats dead in the dirt that you want
ZEUS: hey baby
wanna make out
EUROPA: i don’t know, i’m kind of–
[Zeus turns into a cow]
ZEUS: how about now
[ZEUS appears in DANAE’s bedroom]
DANAE: oh my
ZEUS: hey babe
ever made it with a–
[ZEUS turns into a shower of gold coins]
HERA: who is this
ZEUS: who is what
HERA: who is this naked youth
ZEUS: youre going to have to be more specific
HERA: the one at your feet
ZEUS: oh
him
what about him
HERA: where did he come from
ZEUS: where did any of us come from
you know?
could be from the sea
or my own head
or spit up by an angry snake
hard to tell
HERA: did you kidnap him for sex
ZEUS: what
no
what?
HERA: did he kidnap you for sex
ZEUS: no
he’s
my cup guy
this is Ganymede, Official Cup Holder
he holds the cups
HERA: really
ZEUS: youve been saying forever that we need a guy to hold all the cups we use
HERA: i’ve never said that
ZEUS: someones been saying it
i just thought id save us all a little trouble
HERA: why isn’t he holding any cups
ZEUS: what
HERA: if he’s the cup holder why doesn’t he have a cup to offer me
i’m thirsty
ZEUS: I’m
EARTHQUAKE
[ZEUS raises his hands and all of Mount Olympus begins to shake violently. HERA is trapped underneath a falling rock]
ZEUS: sorry babe
cant hear you over all this earthquake
[ATHENA leaps fully grown and clad in battle armor out of ZEUS’ head]
ZEUS: oh whoa
hi
Tags: dirtbags, greek mythology, religion, zeus
This is perfect. Zeus is the OG dirtbag.
Exactly! This Dirtbag post certainly took the least artistic license.
I feel like “My wife’s cool with it, we have an open thing” is another one of the Official Dirtbag Slogans, coined and used heavily by Zeus.
Now I kind of want to read a reimagining of Greek myths from Hera’s point of view that’s more “Embittered Wronged Wife” than “Nagging Shrew Harshing On Zeus’s Buzz.”
Me too! Plus, she was the brains of the relationship.
I want that so badly.
weEEEEEEELL the trouble with Hera is that usually her revenge against Zeus involved the poor girls he’d coerced into sex being punished rather than Zeus himself. Which is sort of a trouble with Greek myth retellings in general: all the gods were HUGE DIRTBAGS.
Pretty sure that’s why Judeo/Christian monotheism caught on – people figured if they were going to spend a lot of time and energy worshipping someone, it might as well be someone that wasn’t basically just a giant human with all the same flaws plus the magic powers to indulge them.
That is the best explanation for monotheism that I’ve ever heard.
Except that Old Testament God acts pretty much the same way. And the stories we get are a massive simplification of ancient religious practice. And Christianity built a lot on preexisting Mystery cults like Demeter/Persephone and Isis/Osiris.
MORE PLEASE.
And ancient Greece and Rome didn’t even have a concept of a canonical text. You don’t like the story about Orpheus successfully retrieving Eurydice? Make your own. No one will kill you. There’s no one text, no one version, no right answer. Everyone is a dirtbag!
They did too. There are great big volumes of commentaries from antiquity with lists of all the different versions of myths. Every time something deviated from ‘the canon’, the writer says something like ‘some people say that Helen never went to Troy after all and it was only a ghost and hey she was in Egypt the whole time, but that’s bollocks.’ (I paraphrase).
Yes, good point. I have read very little of the Bible, but a few years ago I tried reading some of the OT. (Got through Genesis and Exodus, bogged down at Leviticus.) I was very struck by how local Jehovah seemed, how much he’s an active player with human needs and emotions. He seemed much more like the Greek and Roman gods than the God of the Christian church.
And I was aware of how much Christianity built on — or plagiarized — preexisting religions, but I would love to hear more about ancient religious practices.
You should read the bible, if for no other reason than you’ll get all the in-jokes & memes.
I was an English major, which means I learned a whole lot of Bible references, because English literature is rife with same. Being raised Anglican gave me some familiarity with the Gospels, but little else. Reading more of the Old Testament is definitely on my (very long) Must Do For Cultural Literacy list.
I love playing the game where I reference a well-known bible thing which is well-known because BIBLE and also WESTERN LITERARY CANON and then my partner is like “…what?????? I don’t get it” and then I just, “it’s…that’s a thing. in the bib–YOU WERE RAISED CATHOLIC” like I know the protestant texts are a little shorter but COME ON, he went to a SPECIAL SCHOOL where they taught you about jesus and, apparently, tying your shoes with your foot in midair for some reason
which is weird, what is up with that
CATHOLICS
just standin’ around, putting their dirty shoes on their knees when they need to adjust their laces
Wasn’t this very thing an issue in the Reformation, though? Catholic church did NOT want people reading the Bible in the vernacular, whereas its reading was central to Protestantism and the “no I don’t need a goddamn priest-intercessor” ethic? Alls I know is my Catholic-school educated mother-in-law thought until very recently that the Immaculate Conception referred to Jesus’s conception, not Mary’s. Which is weird, because the IC is only a Catholic doctrine.
that’s what my time watching the tudors taught me
Even Gilgamesh finds his way into the Book of Job. Hebrew Bible is like a Greatest Pagan Hits cover in some places.
She also (along with Athena) demanded the destruction of an entire city because one of its princes said she wasn’t the prettiest. Restraint is not exactly a god’s strongest suit.
Oh man, now I really want a another Toast t-shirt that says NAGGING SHREW HARSHING ON ZEUS’S BUZZ with a primo Lubchansky drawing of Hera.
MAAAAATTTTTTT come baaaaaaaack
Can’t help you there, but I do know a good Greek myth/Harry Potter crossover…
DON’T HOLD OUT ON US
Here you go!
She was just as bad as he was, it’s just that he got more coverage by the chroniclers.
The ULTIMATE dirtbag. This is exactly what we needed.
ZEUS: hey baby
wanna make out
EUROPA: i don’t know, i’m kind of–
[Zeus turns into a cow]
ZEUS: how about now
So now I am imagining Zeus as one of the Chick-fil-a cows. MOR SEKS 4 ZUUS!
And later he does basically the same thing with Leda!
I always imagine that when Zeus is in swan form, the only sounds he make go HANK HANK HANK instead of HONK HONK HONK.
I didn’t know I wanted a Dirtbag Greek Mythology book until this very moment.
But with the gorgeous illustrations of the D’aulaires, preferably.
Seriously. Everyone in Greek mythology is a dirtbag, except maybe Penelope and Hephaestus.
Ares and Aphrodite might disagree about Hephaestus.
I think if you’re having an affair and your husband/brother catches you in a net, you don’t really get a vote.
Dirtbag Apollo chasing Daphne
http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=310 YESSSS
PUT THAT AWAY
♫ hiiiiiii, Daaaphne
Persephone—also not a dirtbag. Mostly. Apart from being the “iron queen” and “she who must not be named” (literally, that was her deal, you couldn’t say her name, it was taboo. my love for Persephone knows no bounds. she’s a badass, not a dirtbag).
True!
Although you CAN play up the rebel Goth teen vibe with her, if you want.
I would love dirbag Eris, since she is pretty much a dirtbag in the original stories.
NOT GOING TO INVITE ME TO YOUR PARTIES, HUH
IT’S COOL
OH LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE HERE
HOW BOUT DIS APPLE? SERIOUSLY, WHO WANTS IT
DIS APPLE OF DISCORD, even, I see what you did thar
dis-core
If we’re counting humans, Clytemnestra is not a dirtbag. She is a misandrist hero.
Totally! She had every right to do what she did and she seemed like way more fun than Cassandra’s whiny ass.
Cassandra got SCREWED. Apollo went “no takebacks” when she refused to sleep with him and made sure no one ever believed her prophesies. And then she was raped by Ajax on his way out of Troy before she was given to Agamemnon and then promptly killed by Clytemnestra. If you’re looking for a whiner, Electra’s the one who had it (relatively) easy.
Greek mythology is all dirtbags and misandrist heroes. No middle ground.
Hector’s okay, right? And Priam? And Telemachus is pretty good, except when he tells Penelope to STFU.
Telemachus is an age-appropriate dirtbag. Once his dad slapped some sense into him (and they killed a bunch of people together, as men are wont to do to bond) he shaped up. But for a while….
Penelope: Go find out for sure if you’re dad’s alive.
Telemachus skateboards by
Telemachus: But moooooooommmm
What did Persephone ever do?
She survived.
Well, that was marvellously ominous.
And Hestia. So underrated.
*Hermes skates away on winged shoes*
You’re in luck!
http://www.bettermyths.com
I originally bought this book as a gift, but then decided I needed to own a copy enough that I had to buy more copies for gift-ing:
http://www.amazon.com/Zeus-Grants-Stupid-Wishes-N…
i know it’s ridiculous but it annoys me so much that he doesn’t cite his sources goddamnit
YES
YOU GUYS. DIRTBAG ODYSSEUS. That’s like all he does.
For real reals.
guys I just need to stop at this one island real quick.
…
oh hey guys sorry you’re all pigs and stuff. but I got this cool girlfriend now, so
Cyclops: what’s your name
Odysseus: mike hunt
lol
METIS: Honey I’m pregnant!
ZEUS: Oh wow that’s great and on a totally different subject I just thought of a fun game we could play
METIS: What’s that?
ZEUS: How about we see who can be the smallest? That would be pretty cool, right?
METIS: Okay, I guess. *turns into a fly*
ZEUS: *swallows her*
ZEUS: Phew, I was so not ready be a dad.
THIS IS MY HEART.
Request for Dirtbag Aphrodite because she would rock this series.
APHRODITE: fuck you zeus youre not my real dad
I have been waiting for this my whole life. I am now complete.
I was waiting for this my whole life and I didn’t even know it.
HERA: what the hell is that on your thigh
ZEUS: what
HERA: that massive pulsating growth right there
ZEUS: oh
that’s just 100% grade-A divine muscle, girl
I’ve been blasting my quads with the Titans
gotta look good for my consorts
HERA: what
ZEUS: uh I mean
consort, singular
you’re the only one for me
HERA: uh-huh
ZEUS: you’re the best wife and sister a husband and brother could ask for
HERA: right
[HERA pokes the growth on ZEUS’ thigh. It erupts and a baby falls out.]
ZEUS: honey I swear
I have no idea how that got there
never seen that baby before in my life
Zeus is the worrrrst
Although at least he’s willing to do some of the childbearing.
Is Dirtbag Yahweh too obvious?
God: kill your son
Abraham: but
God [puffing a Parliament Light]: JUST DO IT
…
PSYCH! MADE YOU ALMOST KILL YOUR SON
God: you can’t go into Israel
Moses: why not
God: because you hit a rock
Moses: wait, what?
God: yeah you hit a rock that you were supposed to talk to
you should look at Israel from outside before you die though
its pretty sick
[God grinds his Parliament Light into Moses’ wrist, killing him]
God: hi how’s it going
Job: not bad thanks
God: (kills Job’s crops) how about now
Job: still ok
God: (kills Job’s family) still good?
Job: yeah i mean, i guess
God: (covers Job’s skin in sores and aches) how about now
Job: Ok actually I’m beginning to think this is a little messed up
God: DON’T YOU DARE QUESTION ME
Eliseus: hey
God: Sup
Eliseus: nm, these little kids were raggin on me for being bald tho, it sucked
God: man, that’s shitty, i got you tho, i’ll send some bears to maul them to death
Eliseus: k, ima go home then
God: Hey Satan
Satan: What now
God: Check out what I’m doing to Job
Satan: Are you still messing with that jerk?
God: Ch’yeah
Satan: And he still won’t stick up for himself?
God: Haha, nope
God: Wait, I think I’ll kill all of his children
…
Satan: And?
God: STILL NO can you believe it?
Satan: what
God: what a punk
God: haha
A+ use of “ch’yeah”
God: hey, see that tree?
Adam & Eve: yeah
God: do you see that tree has fruit?
Adam: yes
Eve: it looks like really good fruit
God: it’s really good fruit. it’s the best fruit. it’s fantastic.
Adam: can we have some of the…
God: YOU CAN’T HAVE ANY FRUIT! IT’S FORBIDDEN
Eve: but…
God: NO! IT’S MY FRUIT
Came here to ask for Dirtbag Old Testament, don’t care that it will cut deep.
LOT: those dudes are really making a lot of noise
DAUGHTER: yeah it’s terrifying
LOT: I mean like a lot of noise
DAUGHTER: god will protect us right?
LOT: right but I’m saying maybe if you went out there
DAUGHTER: with the screaming mob? The mob that is screaming for your daughters?
LOT: right
DAUGHTER: I…I don’t think I want to do that
LOT: yeah no I think you are tho. I mean if you loved me you would
DAUGHTER: …
LOT: look you don’t want to be a pillar of something right? My boy is pretty down on turning disobedient women into pillars that’s all I’m saying
DAUGHTER: I cannot wait to be stuck in a goddamn cave with you
I assume you’ve seen this, but just in case…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bar3GOzDNzg
I have not, but as soon as I’m not in a restaurant with my mother I’m watching the *hell* out of this. Bonus that the first recommended video is Brad Neely! In retrospect I feel like he did Dirtbag George Washington without knowing it
In my opinion, this thing on Sodom and Gomorrah might be even better than the George Washington song and is even right on par with Wizard People, Dear Reader. I don’t know other Brad Neely very well…maybe I should.
Oh wow this is like the ur version of the show he has now on…shit. Adult Swim? Is it Adult Swim? It’s like a bunch of academics at a crazy university somewhere
I love you all so much
One of my favorite things about Greek mythology is just clicking to the genealogies and counting how many times Zeus shows up in the tree.
Then you’ll love this beautiful interactive chart of Zeus’s affairs!
*Facebook Messenger Beep*
Leto: niobe what is this shit
Niobe: hmm what?
Leto: my facebook wall is all pictures of your kids right now
Niobe: gosh, how did those get up there? these new privacy settings, boy. i tell you.
Leto: holy fuck did you just post another one while you were typing at me
Niobe: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
“Dirtbag Zeus”
Ah so just regular Zeus then.
Greek mythology is just ripe with dirtbags.
APOLLO: hey
babe
do you have a boyfriend
DAPHNE: no
APOLLO: babe
give me a chance
i’m a nice guy
DAPHNE: no
APOLLO: do you hate all men
[DAPHNE turns into a tree]:
can’t hear you
my arms are trees now
Hurrah for arms that are trees!!
Heh. Ripe. Daphne myth.
Okay, I couldn’t stop myself. I’m cracking up about this.
Hades: i want a wife, i got to pick my domain last, the least you could do is give me a wife.
Zeus: totes fair. totes agree. you know what? i got just the girl for you.
Hades: yeah?
Zeus: yeah. the only daughter of heaven and earth. more beautiful than light itself.
Hades: yeah?
Zeus: yeah. Kore. princess and everything.
Hades: cool i’m down. where she at?
Zeus: well um
mmmm
well, she’s being kept apart
her mom’s a bit overprotective
she’s in a garden but like
do your man thing
it’s all good
Hades: okay
[exeunt Hades]
Hera: Demeter is going to be so pissed.
Zeus: i’m betting on it.
you
you think my brother is going to actually
manage to marry Persephone?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA
he can’t even get to her
joke’s so on him. prick.
Demeter: WHAT THE FUCK
Zeus: what?
Demeter: WHAT THE FUCK
THIS IS WHY I NEVER DO YOU ANYMORE
SHE WAS
SHE WAS GOING TO BE A VIRGIN GODDESS
DO YOU KNOW
HOW HARD IT IS TO KEEP HER IN THE GARDEN
HERMES WITH THE DAMNED SANDALS
APOLLO WITH HIS EXTENSIVE SOLOS
EVEN ARES—DO YOU KNOW WHAT EVEN
Zeus: shhhhhh
shhhhhh
shhhhh honey the men are talking
…and what I hear you saying is mmm
this is kind of your fault?
maybe didn’t—watch her close enough?
who’s the bad parent here?
A BULL, HE TURNED INTO A BULL. A SEXY, VIRILE BULL WITH HUGE BALLS.
Zeus would be so offended that you turned him into a lady cow, Mallory.
Zeus is coming for her. Any takers on his form?
Britney Griner?
Kristen Stewart?
a bull is the same thing as a cow, it’s fine
In college, my friends and I filmed a 20 minute The Real World: Mount Olympus. Now-husband and I played Zeus and Hera. Demeter was a yoga instructor. Persephone was a teen goth. Hermes was a dopey wingman. Artemis and Ares were each accusing the other of stealing each others’ sex toys. And Hades was a drunk. As the credits rolled, Zeus chased “hot bitches” around a dog park as “The Bad Touch” played.
Youtube link or it didn’t happen.
Shit, how is Kate Beaton not the official illustratrix of Dirtbag Everything: http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=310
Now I really want the Complete Dirtbag Greek Mythology-style book people say they want above but illustrated by Kate Beaton.
Aaagh I was just catching up on Hark! A Vagrant, and realized that DIRTBAG BULL-ZEUS is already realiiiized. <3 Kaaate <3
Zeus is literally the father of all dirtbags.
“Oh for shame, how the mortals put the blame on us gods, for they say evils come from us, but it is they, rather, who by their own recklessness win sorrow beyond what is given.”
Has there been a dirtbag Odysseus yet?
Sorry about your eye. #SorryNotSorry
ZEUS [as swan]: dtf?
LEDA: ….
This is so wonderful, I just have to gush about how much Mallory’s articles give me life. I actually wrote Hera’s Diary for an assignment in high school. It was mostly complaints about Zeus.
I keep picturing Zeus with a popped collar on his pastel polo shirt and a puka shell necklace after reading this!
This is Better Myths done with dialogue instead of description, right? Right down to the short lines and lack of necessary punctuation. Because that guy has it down, he’s been doing it since 2010, he has a book out and everything.
Mallory has been doing this series for various writers and historical personages for ages, today she just happened to do a myth. She also has a book coming out.
Myths were invented in 2010, how dare you
I love that most of the characters in your dirtbag series are exaggerated, but here you’re describing exactly what Zeus did without exaggerating at all. Zeus is the most organic dirtbag out there.
All gods are dirt bags. How about that Old Testament.
Myths were invented in 2010, how dare you
This reminded me of something I saw on Deviantart that I won’t repost here.
Here you go!
Zeus: hey Leda what’s going on
Leda: hey Zeus. Still have a husband.
Zeus: can your husband be a swan though?
Leda: I don’t want him to be a swan.
Zeus: what would you do if I was a swan.
Leda: Idk. I mean stroke your feathers I guess.
Zeus: haha would you like to stroke something else? 😉
Leda: no thank you
*zeus carves a picture of his swan penis into a tablet and hands it to her. Exeunt*