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Screen Shot 2014-10-09 at 8.53.56 AMI’m worried that not enough people are aware that Mario Puzo’s The Godfather, bestselling classic and source material for beloved films The Godfather, parts I and II, features a significant subplot about a woman named Lucy Mancini, who is friendly with the Corleone family and whose biggest problem is her roomy vagina.

A lot of people think I’m joking, when I tell them that. I’m not joking. There are a significant number of pages given to Lucy’s vagina problem. As someone on Twitter pointed out, “this is sort of like if a fifth of The Great Gatsby was about how one of the party guests had one leg that was shorter than the other.”

Think, for a moment, about how close we all came to living in a world where universally-acclaimed masculinist classic The Godfather devoted a half-hour of screen time to a minor character’s vagina surgery. (She is in the movie, albeit briefly; she’s the bridesmaid Sonny is seen having sex with during his sister’s wedding; in the book she’s devastated after his death because she’s convinced he is the only man in the world with a penis large enough for her terrible, enormous vagina.)

This world:

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this really happened in the book you know

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hand to God, go check the book right now if you don’t believe me

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this has NOTHING TO DO with the main plotline of The Godfather and never does, if you’re wondering

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this book was a BEST SELLER, the movie based upon it is HIGHLY RESPECTED

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This is also how Saving Private Ryan ends. “Earn this.”

In lieu of flowers, please make donations in Mallory’s memory to some sort of charity for snatch repair.

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