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Home: The Toast

Previously: How to talk to babies about Marxist theory.

BABY: read dog book
ME: are you ready to find the antecedent
BABY: [holds out book] dog book
ME: okay are you encoding or decoding right now
ground yourself in context before looking for meaning
BABY: [waves book]
ME: thats right
find your spacetime coordinate

 

ME: [jingles keys]
BABY: [gurgles happily]
ME: okay baby
what are you laughing at
[jingles keys]
are you laughing at the signifier or the signified
BABY: [gurgles happily]
ME: STOP JERKING AROUND
LOCATE YOURSELF IN THE PEIRCIAN SEMIOTIC
BABY: [gurgles happily]
ME: NO
NOT IN THE SAUSSUREAN SEMIOTIC
IT’S TRIADIC, YOU IDIOT
FIND YOUR INTERPRETER
BABY: [gurgles happily]
ME: oh just take the keys

 

BABY: [crawls over footstool]
ME: okay, baby
baby look at me
this is great stuff
youre interacting with your umwelt
BABY: [crawls over blanket]
ME: can you identify your umwelt
BABY: mah
ME: is “mah” really your umwelt
try again
BABY: mama
ME: no
your mother is an absent referent right now
show me your umwelt
BABY: mahh nahh
ME: YOU’RE CREATING YOUR OWN UMWELT RIGHT NOW AS YOU NAVIGATE THE EVERYDAY OBJECTS OF THE WORLD THAT SURROUNDS YOU
THAT’S YOUR UMWELT
BABY: mahhhhh
ME: okay fine just show me the red block
BABY: [points at red block]
ME: wow are you really going to just let me TELL you what “red” is
lol ok

 

ME: TAKE YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND SHOW ME THE REAL
BABY: [blows raspberries against own fists]
ME: TAKE YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND ADDRESS THE CHARGES OF “PHYSICS ENVY” LEVIED AGAINST LACAN
BABY: [gnaws fists]
ME: just take your hands out of your mouth thats disgusting

 

ME: show me structuralism with your blocks
BABY: block
ME: i said show me structuralism
not identify the signifier
BABY: [puts red block on tan block]
ME: good
now show me the limits of structuralism
BABY: [throws blue block across the room]
ME: good
now show me post-structuralism
BABY: [knocks blocks over]
ME: very good
now use your blocks to show me the Problem of Dostoyevsky’s Poetics

 

BABY: read dog book again
ME: okay fine
show me where the yellow doggie is on this page
BABY: [points]
ME: good
now show me where the brown doggie is on this page
BABY: [points]
ME: now show me where the author is
BABY: [stares blankly]
ME: that’s right
the author is dead

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