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Home: The Toast

carrie-mother_BANNERS
Previously in this horrible series: Happily Ever After


To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: October 3, 2014
Subject: Showerrrrrrrrr

Hey Ladies,

Can you believe it’s October already??! I’m basically addicted to Pumpkin Spice Lattes, it’s redic. I know what you’re thinking: this is our annual group Halloween costume call to arms email, LOL. Wrong! I’m like 99% sure I’ll end up doing a couples costume with Tyler. He’s perfect. He’s in advertising so we’ll probably co-host a Mad Men series finale party together. Anyway. We’ve been on two dates. How long should I wait before bringing up couples costumes?? I feel like it’s this unspoken subtext between all our interactions now, and he’s probably waiting for me to bring it up anyway, right? Anyway, that’s neither here nor there BECAUSE…

STACY IS GETTING MARRIED AND WE SHOULD PLAN HER SHOWER!!!!!!! Technically, her mom and sister are planning her bridal shower, SNOOZE. I’m sure they’re not even aware of the latest technology in the mason jar pinterest scene. But I think we should all plan her ~personal shower~ which is muuuuch more fun and all the rage in the 2014 DIY rustic chic wedding culture. LAUREN CONRAD HAD ONE!!!!

Basically, it’s just like a bridal shower, but we get her fun gifts that are just for her since wedding planning is sooo stressful! Lingerie, spa days, hair extensions (??), stuff like that! Also, I really think Stacy needs an upper lip wax, but what’s a nice, sensitive way to bring that up??! I’ll google yahoo answers. I’ll be putting together a google doc of what everyone should get for her! YAY I LOVE PLANNING!

~LOGISTICS~

Theme: Autumnal Romance! Something in the key of GOURDS

Food: Morgan, you’ll be in charge of cute apps! I read that George and Amal had reallllly cute apps, and I think we should aim for that too!

Games: Let’s do the game where we quiz Stacy on how well she knows her fiance. Nicole, can you reach out to Matt and find out everything there is to know about him? Have you guys heard of bro-dal showers? It’s the latest in 2014 wedding culture.  Do you think Matt will feel left out if we don’t plan a shower for him and his friends?? From what I understand, it’s one of those female traditions like bikini waxing that guys have always secretly wished they can participate in as well. Nicole, can you take Matt’s temp on the brodal shower idea? But first, find out if he has hot friends!!!! :) Also, Nicole you’re not attracted to Matt right?? Don’t want another offering to have sex with our friend’s husband situation, right Jen? LOL. Awk-ward!

Location: Katie, please source locations with indoor and outdoor options! Wow me.

YAY SO EXCITED!!!!!!

xxxx Ali

“‘Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play/And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate/Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake/I shake it off, I shake it off” ~TAYLOR


To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Ali; Jen
From: Morgan
Date: October 3, 2014
Subject: RE.Showerrrrrrrrr

Ladies!!!

Sounds so cute!! I do enjoy cute apps but I didn’t really understand the email??? Should all of the apps have gourds as an ingredient in them??? lmk

MORGS


To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Ali; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: October 3, 2014
Subject: RE: RE: Showerrrrrrrrr

I think this is a great idea!! I’ll ask Matt about a bro-dal shower!!!! What’s the best, least hitting on your friend’s fiance way to get in touch? Facebook message to meet for a drink after work?? Or invite him over to my place?? Like a bunch of his instagrams and tweets then DM him about meeting somewhere but not telling Stacy?? Or is getting in touch too creepy and I should just surprise run into him in the steam room at Equinox??

Luv,

Nicole!

ps – Does anyone have an iPhone 6 they wanna get rid of? Since they’re so bendy! Ugh, right?


To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Ali; Jen
From: Katie
Date: October 5, 2014
Subject: RE: RE: Showerrrrrrrrr

Hey ladies!!

Sorry I just had to file a few pitches and the grafs were good but the ledes were all wrong. Sorry that’s a little journo-speak, ha! Nicole you’re such a weirdo. It’s actually the iPhone 6 PLUS that bends! I’ll forward you an infographic I found on The Verge (website) earlier.

Morgan if you make anything with a gourd in it I’ll murder you and I won’t eat it, that goes without saying.

Have we run this by Stacy’s mom like, at all?? Ali???

x

katie


To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Katie; Jen
From: Ali
Date: October 5, 2014
Subject: RE: RE: Showerrrrrrrrr

Wow, hating on gourds is SO basic, LOL.

Stacy’s mom I’m sure would love this idea if she knew about it!

I have the perfect couples costume for Tyler and me! We will go as my favorite fictional couple of all time — Jimmy Dugan and Dottie ~aka~ Tom Hanks and Geena Davis from A League of Their Own! It’s perfect — their love was so forbidden and passionate, just like Tyler and mine will one day be, and also guys loves sports, so this is a win all around!

Jen, can we just do this at Brad’s parents apartment??

x Ali

“One night I put on a nightgown, stepped onto the porch, looked up at the moon, and said, ‘Who am I?” – Lena Dunham, “Not That Kind of Girl”


To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Katie; Ali
From: Jen
Date: October 5, 2014
Subject: RE: RE: Showerrrrrrrrr

Ladies,

My inlaws won’t be able to host. Brad’s father has gout (sp???)

J


To: Jen; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Katie; Ali
From: Morgan
Date: October 5, 2014
Subject: RE. RE. Showerrrrrrrrr

lol ew…?

morgs


To: Jen; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan; Katie; Ali
From: Nicole
Date: October 5, 2014
Subject: RE. RE. Showerrrrrrrrr

tell him to scrub it with bleach.

-nicole


To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan; Jen; Ali
From: Katie
Date: October 5, 2014
Subject: RE. RE. Showerrrrrrrrr

um that’s grout, nicole.

x

katie


To: Jen; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan; Katie; Ali
From: Nicole
Date: October 6, 2014
Subject: RE. RE. Showerrrrrrrrr

Matt hasn’t texted me back yet, but his friends look hot on facebook, so can we do a combination personal shower and brodal shower??

Also, how *personal* are these personal shower gifts supposed to be?? I just don’t want to end up being the only one to bring a footlong dildo to this thing, when everyone else chipped in for a Vitamixer. Not again.

~Nicole


To: Jen; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan; Nicole; Ali
From: Katie
Date: October 7, 2014
Subject: RE. RE. Showerrrrrrrrr

that WAS a good party though, nicole.

katie

PS I think I am going to bring her day of the week candy thongs???? thoughts? Someone at the blog reviewed them and we were like DYING my co-workers are hilar.


To: Jen; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan; Katie Ali
From: Nicole
Date: October 7, 2014
Subject: RE. RE. Showerrrrrrrrr

Ladies,

I don’t know whether to feel upset, enraged, or relieved. My emotions are all over the place. According to my PMS tracker, I shouldn’t have these intense feelings till early next week!!! (???!!!)

I have news.

Matt finally got back to me. He said not to worry about a brodal shower or personal shower, that Stacy’s mom was taking care of the shower. (UGH!) But also, that this was awkward, but apparently we were only invited to the shower and engagement party and not THE ACTUAL WEDDING because they are trying to keep the numbers down.

WTF??!!! I feel bewildered, heartbroken, but also kinda relieved?? I mean, we haven’t seen Stacy in like a year, and going to their wedding upstate would be minimum $500-$1000 ( I was already pricing it out and was gonna budget it into my 2015 Wedding Mint). But like, seriously?? I was ready to RentTheRunway and GlamSquad it and go, but now I guess I’ll just save all that money and time? For a person we don’t hang out with that much anymore…

But I mean. They were going to invite us to the shower and NOT the wedding??! That’s poor form. Susan Miller said a betrayal was coming my way, and this has to be it. Well, I’m not going to the shower. And I guess I will keep that footlong dildo for myself?! I mean LOL. Unless I can ebay it actually?? Or one of you girls want to Venmo me for it?? Let me know!!!!

xx Nic

“Forever young, I wanna be forever young//Remember those walls I built? Well baby, they are tumbling down.” ~ Beyonce/Jay Z Forever Young/Halo mashup


To: Jen; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Nicole; Ali
From: Morgan
Date: October 7, 2014
Subject: RE. RE. Showerrrrrrrrr

Nicole,

Is that a real song or did you just put the two quotes together…?

Morg


To: Jen; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Nicole; Morgan
From: Ali
Date: October 8, 2014
Subject: RE. RE. Showerrrrrrrrr

Hi Ladies!

That’s too funny Stacy wasn’t planning on inviting you all to her wedding, lol. I’m sure I’m invited, but just because we had a heart to heart one night about six years ago, and it just took our friendship to this really deep place.

So now that we don’t have any personal or brodal showers to plan, who wants to go apple picking??!!!! I’m thinking upstate, or maybe Vermont?? Should we rent out an entire b&b or just do it as a daytrip? I’m thinking long weekend, and we can all take a couple days off of work too. Infinity scarves are mandatory! I’ll send out an event invite on Ello!

Love you ladies!

xx Ali

“All I’m trying to do is be nice!” – Ben Affleck, Gone Girl trailer


To: Jen; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Nicole; Morgan
From: Katie
Date: October 8, 2014
Subject: RE. RE. Showerrrrrrrrr

Hey ladies,

The thing is, I never expected to be invited to Stacy’s anyway? I didn’t invite her to a few of my theme parties in college (Prose and Hoes, notably) and she didn’t take that well. So I assume this is some kind of weird political revenge? It’s fine.

That being said, VERY into autumnal weekend away!

A FEW CAVEATS (google it!)

  1. No tall grass (lymes)
  2. No farms (farm-centric is fine, no animals)
  3. I’m over mason jars
  4. Unless you bake in them, check out my “NEED TO TRY” board on Pinterest
  5. I want to come home and be able to say I picked wildflowers. Ideally I’d be able to Instagram this with a Nashville filter (or rise, sunflare depending.)
  6. INFINITY SCARVES YES

Let me know if this jibes with everyone else’s idea of the weekend??????

KATIE

 

 

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Caroline Moss is the deputy editor of culture at Tech Insider. She's also written for the New York Times and Cosmopolitan. She's tweeted over 100,000 times. Michelle Markowitz is a comedy writer, storyteller, and bachelorette party apologist in New York. She can be found subtweeting Cory Booker @michmarkowitz.

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