Previously: Dirtbag Zeus.

APOLLO: so do you come here to this river a lot
DAPHNE: i’m so sorry
have we met?
APOLLO: we havent met
but you know me
DAPHNE: sorry?
APOLLO: ever seen THE SUN
DAPHNE: what?
APOLLO: youre welcome
hey let me touch your skin for a while
DAPHNE: i have to
no
[DAPHNE turns into a tree to escape him]
APOLLO: so do you
turn into trees a lot
i’ve always thought that trees were the sexiest plant
never did it with a tree before but

 

[APOLLO emerges from the cave at Delphi with the body of the slain PYTHON]
APOLLO: people of Delphi
rejoice
you shall be troubled no more by this beast
I have slain the giant snake that could not be brought low by mortal hands
VILLAGER #1: thank you, Apollo
VILLAGER #2: yes thank you, Lord
[APOLLO drops the snake and stretches]
APOLLO: you know what other giant snake cannot be brought low by mortal hands

 

APOLLO: babe i love you so much
HYACINTHUS: i love you too
[a jealous ZEPHYR blows APOLLO’s discus off-course, killing HYACINTHUS]
APOLLO: i will never forget you
HYACINTHUS: i…
APOLLO: oh fuck real quick before you go what was your name
so i can remember it forever
[HYACINTHUS dies]
APOLLO: im going to call you
Hank
you look like you were probably a Hank

 

LETO: i’m so upset
ARTEMIS: what is it, mom
APOLLO: yeah what’s wrong
LETO: it’s Niobe, she’s insulted me
because she has fourteen children and I only have two
she thinks she’s better than me
APOLLO: she doesnt have fourteen children
LETO: what?
how do you know that?
APOLLO: because i just killed like
six of them
so she has AT MOST eight
seven
hang on i think i can pick off the rest from here

 

APOLLO: man its hot out
sun’s really doing his job today
better take my shirt off
[APOLLO takes off all of his clothes]
i see you noticed me taking my shirt off
NYMPH: i didn’t say anything
APOLLO: you probably recognize me
from statues
guilty
its me
NYMPH: i dont know what you’re talking about
APOLLO: how would you like to have a flower named after you