I. The Motorcycle Crash
II. Eaten By Bear at Zoo
III. Slowly Crushed By His Collection of Sweet Lids

 

IV. Beaten to Death By a Loan Shark
V. Infection From Tattoo He Got With Third Wife
VI. Burned Alive During The Wicker Man-Style Ritual That Stars Hollow Performs Every Eighteen Years

 

VII. Staph Infection Brought About By General Grossness
VIII. Uuuuugh He Just Dies Okay Don’t Ask Too Many Questions
IX. Torn Apart By Screaming Mob During The Handmaid’s Tale-Style Salvaging Ritual That Stars Hollow Performs Every Eighteen Years

X. Uses Life Savings To Buy Magic Beans; Starves To Death
XI. Falls Over Waterfall Immediately After Shouting “Hey, Guys, Watch This”
XII. Slowly Wastes Away Due To Never Having Attended Princeton

XIII. Crushed In Mosh Pit At The Offspring Concert
XIV. Segway Accident
XV. Car Crash Caused By Driving While Simultaneously Searching Twitter For His Own Name

XVI. Murder-Suicide With Jess Mariano For Some Reason
XVII. Poisoned By Sookie, Lane, Jackson, Michel, Emily Gilmore, Taylor, Kirk, Grant the Troubadour, Luke, Logan, Dean, and Max Medina In Murder On The Orient Express-Style Group Attack
XVIII. Run Over By Truck While Abandoning Another One Of His Children By Leaping Out Of A Moving Vehicle

XIX. Strangled By Necktie, Responsibilities
XX. Fatal Case Of “Being A Disappointment”