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Home: The Toast

[Enter RICHARD, skateboarding]
RICHARD III: more like the house of Planfagenet
HENRY VII: I
what?
that doesn’t make sense
we’re all Plantagenets
it’s not Plantagenets versus somebody else
everyone’s a Plantagenets
RICHARD III: more like fagcastrian
HENRY VII: also that’s really unnecessary and offensive
RICHARD III: house of york?
more like house of dork
HENRY VII: that’s your own house
that’s
you’re not even being consistent with your homophobic slurs
RICHARD III: whatever
this party sucks
HENRY VII: THIS ISN’T A PARTY
IT’S A BATTLE
RICHARD III: if this isnt a party then why is everybody dancing
HENRY VII: I –
RICHARD III: look at that guy dancing
HENRY VII: he’s not dancing
you shot him full of arrows
he’s dying
RICHARD III: looks like dancing to me
ill shoot him again, youll see what i mean

 

roses4

EDWARD IV: ahhahaha yeah thats it
move his head up a little higher
i want his eyes to be exactly at the level of my dick when we cut his head off
so its the last thing he sees

 

MARGARET OF ANJOU: hey fuckos
my husband’s passed out
who wants a duchy

 

WARWICK: my lord I have returned from France
and the court looks favorably on a wedding with Princess Anne
it would consolidate your power in the–
EDWARD IV: oh i already got married
WARWICK: you what
EDWARD IV: yeah while you were gone
WARWICK: oh
EDWARD IV: actually like
before you were gone
WARWICK: oh
EDWARD IV: so you didnt actually have to go at all
WARWICK: will your marriage settle the question of succession?
EDWARD IV: oh my god no not at all
her name is Elizabeth and she’s literally nobody
WARWICK: why did y–
EDWARD IV: idk
she seems nice
itll work out

 

SALISBURY: honestly fuck all Richards, Edwards, and Henrys
YORK: even Henrys?
SALISBURY: ESPECIALLY HENRYS

 

Screen Shot 2014-10-28 at 10.02.54 PMELIZABETH: ah, Richard, all is lost
I have no hope for myself but please look after the boys
as Lord Protector I know you will
RICHARD III: boys, all is lost, got it
ELIZABETH: thank you

ELIZABETH: ah, Richard, thank you so much for keeping my sons safe in the Tower
I have come to take them home
where are they?
RICHARD III: what sons
ELIZABETH: my sons
the princes
RICHARD III: what princes
ELIZABETH: my sons with Edward IV
RICHARD III: sorry babe doesnt ring a bell
sure youre not thinking of horses or something

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