“Madam, I can assure you that the top hat is medically necessary. Now please lie still and stop asking me ‘and what does that do?’ I don’t know what it does yet.”
“Gentlemen, I propose a wager: just for fun, let’s see what else we can fit in here.”
“Perhaps if I propped up his other arm…perhaps that would provide sufficient stimulus to reverse death. It would almost look as if he were standing on his own. Yes, I think the other arm should do the trick. Nurse, I’m going to need a great deal of twine.”
“Well, I’m not going to touch it. You do it, Samuels.”
“With my hands? Surely you’re joking. My father was an earl.”
“Come off it, Samuels. All of our fathers were earls. If you’re going to pull rank, do it right.”
“Well, what was its father?”
“Lord, I don’t know. What’s that profession where they hew at things? With adzes, and suchlike.”
“Grommeting?”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“I think I read it somewhere. I don’t know what it is either.”
“What if we called the patient Lord Digby, and just…just made believe that his father was a viscount?”
“I’m not touching a viscount. Jesus God in Heaven, the Samuels haven’t fallen that far just yet.”
“Well, is anybody going to touch him?”
“Have one of the nurses do it.”
“There aren’t nurses yet, I don’t think. Not til…is it the Boer War? Several wars from now, at least.”
“Then let’s just get lunch.”
“I propose to stay here all night, gentlemen, if that’s what it takes to prove my theory that the act of smothering ultimately reverses itself and revives the patient.”
“Now, I’m going to describe the next portion of the surgery to you, because I find it all rather disgusting. Someone — you know, take a knife and cut through her skins, really get down to the inside portion of the body, then let me know when you get there. And stay on her legs, Richards, because I don’t think she’s really asleep. Lord knows I wouldn’t be.”
“Lads, before we go any further, I’m going to have to ask that you put on your medicine hats, for hygienic purposes. No man who can’t afford a stiff velvet hat from the Canary Islands at least twenty inches in circumference has the right to call himself a doctor.”
“This man is going to need a great deal more of the inside of his head, if he is going to live.”
“Gentlemen, I propose we sew whatever this is back up and go for lunch.”
“Second the motion.”
“Motion to add ‘whatever is inside humans is gross’ to this week’s minutes.”
“Second the motion.”
“Motion to add that we should have cold mutton for lunch.”
“Second the motion.”
“The motion carries.”
“Very well, write this down: washing the feet does little to nothing in the way of curing a gaping flesh wound. Let’s try your shampooing theory again, Charles.”
“Perhaps if we added another chair…”
“If only — if only we had put her heart back into her body, perhaps she might have lived.”
“Time of death, 11:30. Patient continues to keep it tight.”
“It is my belief, esteemed members of the board, that this man’s leg is not in fact ‘cut off’ or ‘missing;’ rather the rest of the man’s body has become invisible, and only through poking about his tendons can I hope to restore visibility to the entire patient. If this works…my God. I’ll be famous.”
“Come now, gentlemen, crowd around, gather close. Make sure he doesn’t get too much air. Crowd around.”
Tags: artwork, medicine, western art history
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Hey, one must have standards. The Samuels didn’t get to where they are today by touching viscounts willy-nilly.
or by touching viscounts’ willies
I think that’s EXACTLY how they got where they are today.
Only at Eton, where that sort of thing is expected.
This is GLORIOUS and I am sending it to my bro the emergency room doctor immediately.
(What about frogs? Really, are there enough frogs surrounding this patient? Bring in some more frogs and a roll of copper wire.)
This is pretty well what I imagine clerkships are like for medical students, in particular the ones with hordes of terrified/bewildered/partying onlookers.
Loving the guy just holding the top of the patient’s skull. “Ugh, this again.”
Each Western Art History is better then the last! And even the first was amazing!
““Gentlemen, I propose a wager: just for fun, let’s see what else we can fit in here.”
YIKES, Mallory
I mean. DDD: I hope you didn’t intend my brain to go where it went. Also I hate the forces that directed it that way. Ugh.
As for the rest: oof, not the post to scroll through before lunch. Though I would like to award the last one a ton of photo-realism points.
(ETA: also you are very funny and ingenious again, yes.)
OH MY GOD NO NOT LIKE THAT
OKAY GOOD
My brain went to a dark place with “Time of death, 11:30. Patient continues to keep it tight.”
THAT WAS THE OTHER ONE. DDD:
No, like, a golf ball and some gauze and maybe a shaving brush.
I read all of these in the voice of an older English gentleman, much like he would intone “I say good fellow.” Whole heartedly recommend this method.
I would like to congratulate you for inducing exactly the accent you mean in my own head with the words “I say good fellow.”
Also plenty of “harumph”ing.
I didn’t get a “harrumph” out of that guy!
Having read a book or two about the history of medical education, I can assure you that these are distressingly close to real life.
All that’s missing is trepanning.
Also insufficient leeches.
Band name alert.
“Perhaps if I propped up his other arm…perhaps that would provide sufficient stimulus to reverse death.”
“Quentin, stop playing with your uncle Bernie. No matter how much you prop him up, no one will believe he’s still alive.”
“Nurse, I’m going to need a great deal of twine.”
I lost it.
I love the one of the doctor staring bemusedly at the heart in his hand as if to say, “Rubbish. Surgery is just like shopping at that infernal IKEA, you always end up with an extra piece that just doesn’t go anywhere. What a bother. Anyhow, my dear, how are you feeling, hm?”
Also, every time I think the Western Art bit is just about played out I am proven decisively wrong.
PLAYED OUT FORSOOTH
He had doubted the comedic wisdom of the Ortberg. He had questioned She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Questioned.
He knew what he had to do.
The salty spray stinging his rapidly numbing fingers, he lashed the collected works of P.G. Wodehouse to his chest.
And he walked into the sea.
“I say, this blood hasn’t been cleansed enough of ill vapours. More leeches.”
The guy in the second to last one is examining his own severed foot. That’s one of the most bizarre paintings in the Art History series.
Also, the facial expressions in ever group shot are amazing. So much confusion and boredom.
OH MY GOD
Holy CATS how did I miss that. AAGGGHHH.
Cutting off your own foot to study it, that is one hell of a commitment to medicine. Truly that man deserves the biggest, velvetiest hat of all.
with a silver buckle, even.
OK that’s what I thought it looked like but then I figured, nah, there’s no way but it really is his own foot??
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philip_Verheyen
“Amputations were quite common during this period and were performed in order to prevent disease and infection – that could not otherwise be cured – from spreading. It is also important to state here that the surgeon who performed Verheyen’s amputation in Leiden had been a student of the anatomist Frederik Ruysch and on the patient’s insistence had preserved his amputated leg for possible further study at a later date. Though the exact techniques used for preservation were a carefully guarded secret, the injection fluids he used to replace the perishable body fluids probably included talc, tallow of white wax, cinnabar and oil of lavender. Once the leg was injected, it was placed in a container of liquor balsamicus or Nantic brandy and black pepper, which permanently prevented decomposition. It is thought that Verheyen’s strong religious views made him deeply suspicious of burying one part of his body before the remainder was ready for the same fate.”
OH MY GOD
“Though there is no written record of this fact, it is assumed that his leg was buried along with him.”
Well, there goes my plan for a nice glass of Nantic brandy when I get home.
You know some artisanal mixologist somewhere would read this and think, “That sounds like a killer cocktail”.
(sorry, I’m apparently comment-stalking you)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord_Uxbridge%27s_le…
This is a Grade A wikipedia hole.
“One of the last cannon shots fired on 18 June 1815 hit his right leg, necessitating its amputation above the knee. According to anecdote, he was close to the Duke of Wellington when his leg was hit, and exclaimed, “By God, sir, I’ve lost my leg!”, to which Wellington replied “By God, sir, so you have!””
BEST CAPTION EVER: “Lord Uxbridge’s right leg, shown here still attached to Lord Uxbridge.”
Sometimes Wikipedia has really hilarious image captions before the kill-joy editors change them. On the Band of Horses page, the caption under a picture of 2 near-identical dudes in beards and flannel said “Band members X and Y shown here, in vocal and sartorial harmony.”
Well, of course. What if the Last Judgement comes, and there’s your resurrected leg hopping about on its own? Can’t have that.
… why was it a closely guarded secret? Did preserving amputated legs have major commercial potential?
To me it just looks like he’s saying, “Dammit, I ordered this medium rare!”
“Really, my lad, people are far too squelchy for any sort of civilized work, that’s why all the best men are in geology. Do you think the vicar’s daughter will want to make a four at whist with a gentleman who has spent his morning wrist-deep in black bile? My goodness, no. And if you wish to join us for tea, I should change your collar first.”
My knowledge of medical history comes largely from the Sawbones podcast, so I’m betting these are 100% accurate.
“You’ve gotta be careful, Bret. I heard this one rapper cut this guy’s whole body off. Just left his dick behind.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWyma-8XorI
Isn’t the cramming-in-the-mouth a Far Side cartoon spoof?
I was close! http://www.npbdentist.com/images/farside-dentist-…
We need a Female Armpit Hair In Western Art entry. (I’m serious. When I was a child I did not understand that women had body hair because they never had any in paintings!)
Are you secretly John Ruskin?? (No, but actually I totally understand how you could think that, and second the motion for more lady armpit hair posts.)
On a similar note, have you seen this Buzzfeed post (http://www.buzzfeed.com/arianelange/armpit-hair-ew)? Raises some similar issues.
(When I saw it, I kind of wanted to just, like, pat Buzzfeed on the head and say “Awww, look how cute, it’s trying to do misandry!”)
“But Brigid, what’s your favorite of these?”
“All of them.”
“That’s not what “favorite” means, Brigid. You have to pick–”
“ALL OF THEM.”
This is fantastic and I will be sending this to my mum, she has “Perhaps if we added another chair…” hanging over the couch at home.
That’s…grim.
As a sleep deprived medical student, I very much appreciated this. I feel this way constantly.
#6 was in a 2D design textbook I used when I taught college level art and design – I loved the class discussions about that one, as students slowly figured out what was going on and then got grossed out. I personally love how 3/4 of the students in the painting look bored or asleep.
The first guy is so going to induce a hysterical paroxysm with that thingie.
Sexay.
While, in the present day, we have made great advances in such medical fields as antisepsis, vaccination and organ transplant, I fear that the time-honored Western European traditions of hat-based medicine have fallen by the wayside. I blame multiculturalism and/or Big Pharma.
Nah, it’s just a well-kept secret that floppy velvet hats are now prerequisites for evidence-based medicine coursework.
Is it wrong of me to think that certain of the doctors in that last picture are DILF-tastic?
front row standing, center, next to the blonde? Let’s play doctor, sir!
Yes! We’re going to need a great deal of twine…
What the hell is going on in the left side of #10? Why isn’t that poor soul in a bed? Are they…dancing? Snogging?
from the smallness of the screen I am looking at, I didn’t see at first that those were that one gentleman’s brains, I thought it was a cunning new hat he had on. brains is a good look on a man I guess.
Top-notch use of ‘cunning’; WELL PLAYED MADAM.
Some of these remind me of the Anatomical Venus. Possibly NSFW http://morbidanatomy.blogspot.com/search?q=anatom…
In #9, is that dog waiting to gobble up any fallen man-scraps??? He just looks so patient … and happy …
Maximum jocularity levels reached. Cannot breathe.
In the 7th picture, does that cadaver have two right hands? It is hard to tell when one of them has no skin, but it sure LOOKS like two right hands.
Also, it IS a cadaver, right? Why would a living person not have skin on one hand?
Yes, that is Rembrandt’s famous painting “The Anatomy Lesson.” If Donna Tart writing in “The Goldfinch” is to be believed, the hand is turned from the supine to the prone position to increase the appearance of strangeness and draw the viewer’s attention.
The last one is actually a dramatization of a very important event in the history of surgery: the first use of ether as an anesthetic (for the removal of a tumor). Of course, this makes the caption even more amusing.
Yesss.
Yes, that is Rembrandt's famous painting "The Anatomy Lesson." If Donna Tart writing in "The Goldfinch" is to be believed, the hand is turned from the supine to the prone position to increase the appearance of strangeness and draw the viewer's attention.
I think a time-traveling Bob Odenkirk made it into the last one: http://cl.ly/image/3D461I2Y0u3g
And stay on her legs, Richards, because I don’t think she’s really asleep. Lord knows I wouldn’t be.” – can not stop laughing