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Home: The Toast

redwall2There’s plenty of talk nowadays about eating like how our ancestors used to, clawing birds directly from the sky and absorbing the vitamins from grasses through our skin and whatnot. And there’s overwhelming evidence that our modern habit of sitting in our own filth as cereals are poured into our gullet by carpal tunnel robots is going to kill us. But what if the best diet for modern people isn’t human at all?

You don’t have to be a vole to benefit from the Redwall Diet. Have you ever seen a shrew with diabetes? I have, and it’s terrible. But that’s entirely beside the point. The point is that eating like a character in Brian Jacques’ popular Redwall series is the key to health, strength, improved digestion, longevity, and ferret resistance. It’s a diet that consists primarily of unprocessed grains, home-brewed ales, fresh produce, and cheeses the size of your head (with the occasional pike from the abbey pond). You won’t feel deprived on this diet, but you will be asked to work hard — if you’re not lifting a sword the length of your own body over your head, you’re building a bell-tower out of sandstone while trying to escape Tsarmina, the Mad Queen of Mossflower (and she’s fast).

You’ll start to notice a difference almost right away. Fighting an army of monitor lizards will get easier. You’ll have more energy for trying to understand what moles are saying to you, and for participating in medieval-style siege assaults. You’ll be dropping jerkin sizes faster than you can say “Eulalia!”

Day One (Mouse Day)

  • Rise at dawn. Eat a fish that you have caught yourself, then solemnly prayed over.
  • Try to understand a sparrow, then skip lunch while solving a riddle.
  • Consume the fruit of wisdom carefully. Digest it fully.

Day Two (Mole Day)

  • Deeper’n’Ever Pie
  • Deeper’n’Ever Squats

Day Three (Abbot Day)

  • As much cheese as you can roll up from the cellar without sacrificing form. Roll with your legs.
  • Eat something with a damson in it
  • Merrily dip your paw in cream while frolicking, then lick it clean

Day Four (Stoat Day)

  • Invade and pillage something for at least four hours
  • Eat whatever you find in the larders
  • At least four bottles of good plum wine, followed by a nap

Day Five (Ublaz Day)

  • Ascend a bell tower as rapidly as possible as often as necessary until you escape your fox rival
  • Eat and drink only what you yourself have prepared and placed in your flask

Day Six (Ungatt Trunn Day)

  • Eat nothing. Move even less. Your back has been broken and you have been left helpless on the beach, slowly watching the tide come in.

Day Seven (Badger Lord Day)

  • Eat a stag, antlers and all.
  • Pushups
  • Repeat until sundown, then die defending your mountain fortress of Salamandastron
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