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Home: The Toast

Previously: Dirtbag Aphrodite.

AEGEUS: ah my son
tales of your bravery have reached me long before you arrived
you have slain Procrustes — Sinis — Sciron — the Pallantides — and cleared this land of robbers and evildoers
tell me, how did you —
THESEUS: its pretty simple
i just kill everyone i meet til i get where i’m going
AEGEUS: ah
THESEUS: its simpler that way
i dont have to keep track

 

AEGEUS: Brave Theseus
you must help us defeat the Minotaur
promise me only that upon your return you will replace the black sails of death with the white sails of triumph
that I know you are alive and I am not bereft in my old age
for if you do not return — if i see the black sails again — i shall throw myself into the sea and end my sorrows
THESEUS: black sails, death, got it
AEGEUS: you mean the white sails
THESEUS: kill the sails, find my father the Minotaur, got it
AEGEUS: No, I — perhaps I should write this down, it’s very important that you remember —
THESEUS: I SAID I GOT IT

 

THESEUS: WHERE IS THE MINNOWMAN
LEMME AT HIM
ARIADNE: He is the Minotaur
THESEUS: what
ARIADNE: We call him the Minotaur
THESEUS: okay whatever you call him
let me at this fishfucker
i’ll have him out of the water in two seconds
we’ll eat that son of a bitch for dinner
ARIADNE: he’s not — he’s not a fish
THESEUS: why is there a minnow in his name then
ARIADNE: I — there’s not — he’s half-man, half-bull
THESEUS: oh
ARIADNE: so it’s a little trickier
than picking up a fish
THESEUS: well what am i supposed to do then
ARIADNE: listen there’s a secret to getting in and out of the labyrinth
and i’ll help you if you promise me one thing
take me with you when you leave this place
THESEUS: ooh
i’m not really
a “take people with me” kind of guy
ARIADNE: the Labyrinth is impenetrable
the alternative is death
THESEUS: but there’s something different about you
something i’d definitely like to have with me all the time, so yes, i’ll take you with me definitely yes for sure

 

theseusTHESEUS: I have slain the Minuteman
let us make haste
PIRITHOUS: aren’t you forgetting something, lord
THESEUS: nah I brought its head with me
PIRITHOUS: what of the maid
THESEUS: we have a maid at home
PIRITHOUS: no, I — the maiden who aided thee
THESEUS: who?
PIRITHOUS: Ariadne
the daughter of the king
she gave you the magic thread that led you out of the labyrinth?
the magic thread you used to slay the Minotaur?
THESEUS: OH
Stringy
the, the helping girl
no I
I had a vision from the gods
they told me to leave her here
for god reasons
PIRITHOUS: really?
THESEUS: yes
my hands are really tied here
I’d love to bring her back with us
because of all her helping
but I just respect the gods too much

 

[alone, on the beach]
ARIADNE: Theseus?

Screen Shot 2014-12-09 at 10.19.19 AM

THESEUS: these black sails are great
i feel like we’re sailing twice as fast
im never going back to white sails again

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