One thousand years ago, superstition and the sword ruled.
It was a time of darkness. It was a world of fear.
It was the age of gargoyles.
Stone by day, warriors by night,
we were betrayed by the humans we had sworn to protect,
frozen in stone by a magic spell for a thousand years.
Now, here in Manhattan, the spell is broken, and we live again!
We are defenders of the night!
We are GARGOYLES.
Look, I’m not here to explain the appeal of a decades-old children’s series about living architectural flourishes to you. Either you saw it, and you understand the unique blend of Shakespeare, European folklore, the pain of centuries of isolation and the ultimate problem of mortality, redemption arcs, and pretty solid action scenes that made Gargoyles stand out during an already-rich era for cartoon-based storytelling, or you think I’m trafficking in reflexive nostalgia and all you see is this:
What I’m trying to say is that this is your chance to exit the ride safely if you don’t think you’re going to have a good time. The rest of you, I am fairly certain, are willing to follow me to the gates of insanity and death.
I am going to try my best not to cast Jeff Bridges in this movie, but I cannot make any promises.
Goliath
I am resisting – I am resisting hard – the urge to reflexively cast Ron Perlman as Goliath. It’s lazy, right? Just because of Hellboy, to go for him? Let’s give it to Dave Bautista, then. He’s gravelly-voiced enough, and his whole “dead family” monologue in Guardians of the Galaxy was very affecting, even if I am sick unto death of making tragic male characters by pinning a bunch of dead wives and children about their necks. Besides, Perlman would really make a better Brooklyn. Bautista it is, then.
UNLESS IT SHOULD BE MORRIS CHESTNUT? BE HONEST DO YOU THINK THAT MORRIS CHESTNUT HAS THE ACTING ABILITY TO PULL OF “TRAGIC DAD OF THE CENTURIES” OR DOES HE JUST HAVE VERY KIND EYES??
YOU BE THE JUDGE, I’M NOT SURE.
(When I say “live action,” by the way, I’m thinking Dave-Bautista-in-Guardians, not a bunch of guys in rubber masks with fake wings, nor an entirely motion-capture-based set of dudes in green suits. You know. Classy.)
Hudson
Goddammit I can’t fucking not put Jeff Bridges in this movie. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. He’ll probably die in a stupid noble sacrifice, too, because I am a goddamn sucker and I want to see him tenderly reach out to Dave Bautista while holding back tears. I’m sorry, you know? But I am a conventional person with conventional tastes and I was never a part of the revolution to begin with.
Lexington
John Leguizamo or Aziz Ansari. Leguizamo if we’re going for something really tragic and dark, Ansari if it’s a bit more lighthearted. UNLESS ANSARI’S LEXINGTON DIED IN SOME SORT OF TRAGIC MISUNDERSTANDING, WHICH I AM HONESTLY ALREADY TEARING UP OVER EVEN THOUGH IT HAS NOT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
John Leguizamo, you have such a wider range than “sad weird guy,” but you play that guy so well that I can’t bear to cast you as anything else. Remember his Tybalt? His Toulouse-Latrec? Shit, he even broke my heart as that weird-nosed wallaby in Ice Age. You know the one I mean, the weird furry thing that talked with a lisp. Leguizamo can break your heart in any form.
Brooklyn
Ron Perlman, it must be noted, looks a little bit like a tragic Will Ferrell with a pituitary gland issue. We were so right not to cast him as Goliath. I want to see him grappling with rage and delivering bitter barbs to Demona before getting punched in the face.
Broadway
Terry Crews. Hates guns, loves Shakespeare and cooking; it’s pretty much already Terry’s character from Brooklyn 9-9.
Bronx
I can’t just put Vin Diesel here. I can’t. He’s the Andy Serkis of heart-wrenching voice work. He’s already given us Groot and the Iron Giant. It’s time for him to get the lead in a Tom Stoppard play or something. We can only ask so much of one man. I’m giving it to Brent Spiner (YES I AM CASTING DATA IN THIS MOVIE, WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT) because I think he can pull off weird/adorable/partially sentient in his sleep.
Angela
I feel a little bad giving Gugu Mbatha-Raw a third “naive ingenue” role, after Belle and Beyond the Lights, but she should have thought of that before she was born with luminous, shimmering eyes that contain the pain of every single living thing that has ever been or ever shall be.
Demona
NIA LONG NIA LONG NIA LONG NIA LONG NIA LONG NIA LONG
NIA LONG
I would watch Nia Long do anything. Do you remember that scene in The Best Man Holiday where she tenderly and calmly puts Mia to bed, then crawls into the bathtub and starts sobbing? Nia Long could play the skyline of Manhattan and I would believe it. She’d make an incredible anti-villain, all compromise and steely eyes and self-assurance. HELL YES, NIA LONG.
Elisa Maza
It’s got to be Andrea Navedo (I’d love to cast Q’orianka Kilcher, but she was born in 1990 and that makes any possible romantic interaction with Goliath fairly creepy). She’s so great on Jane the Virgin (are you watching that?) and this character would be a nice change of pace for her, without becoming too much of a stretch. I wanted to cast Bianca Lawson, but I don’t know if I can see her as a non-teenager at this point.
Serious question: how do humans and gargoyles have sex? I just…how do they do it? It didn’t come up on the children’s series, obviously, but we’re going to have to figure out how to address it at some point, and I just don’t have the heart.
David Xanatos
A multi-billionaire member of the Illuminati known for his incredibly complex schemes and inability to feel love? I shouldn’t even have to explain this to you.
Puck/Owen
Sam Rockwell. He can pull off the creepy, manic Puck scenes as easily as he can pull off the creepy, dour Owen scenes. It’s a double dose of creepy, and Rockwell can do lovably creepy in spades.
Macbeth
Ken Watanabe! I love Ken Watanabe, and I want to see him in more movies, and he has that great deep Shakespearean voice, so Macbeth it is. Tell me you can’t imagine Ken Watanabe and Nia Long eternally battling one another for mastery and grudging respect.
Oberon
Keith David. Because he deserves something, even if he is too old to play Goliath (and friends, he is too old to play Goliath. I’m sorry, but there it is.)
Titania
Kerry Washington
The Weird Sisters
Eva Green, Emma Thompson, and Bernadette Peters.
This movie will be perfect and make $100 million opening weekend, easy.
Tags: dream-casting, gargoyles, movies, movies that don’t exist
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Everything about this is beautiful and then you cast Tilda Swinton as Xanatos and my heart leapt from my chest in pure joy. Bury me and do not grieve, people, I have died a happy woman.
Why don’t we just have Tilda Swinton play all the gargoyles
I would also watch this. Like, several times.
Ken Watanabe is DOING IT FOR ME right now. Lordy.
I have to confess I don’t have any great opinions on this because I’ve never seen the show, but from the characters’ names and pictures it looks pretty epic and dark so I am Officially Interested in watching it.
People need to cast him in More Things. More.
brb taking to the stars
(TERRY CREWS!!!!!)
This entire article thrilled me in a way that would be illegal to depict on prime-time television. A+ concept, A+++ execution, would pay $13 to see it in the theatre, how can we make this real?
Oh Gargoyles, I was SO obsessed with you. I even printed out pictures from the internet and made my own buttons to decorate my school backpack. And my first exposure to fanfiction! Ah, those were the days.
“Serious question: how do humans and gargoyles have sex? I just…how do they do it? It didn’t come up on the children’s series, obviously, but we’re going to have to figure out how to address it at some point, and I just don’t have the heart.”
Come on, man, it’s like you’ve never even heard of fanfiction! I could probably find you, like, 8 detailed fan theories on this with about a minute of research (“research”) but, well, I’m on my work computer and there are some risks even I won’t take.
YES. YES TO ALL OF THIS, YES.
“morris chestnut” is the best name i have ever heard, did you make it up
Dude, John Leguizamo was Tybalt! I normally wouldn’t nitpick, but I hate to see Harold Perrineau effaced.
I came down to comment on the same thing. This is made even worse because we were doing a revision of a encyclopedia of black actors a few years back and the old edition had that CHRIS ROCK was Mercutio. Poor Harold Perrineau.
I already feel bad enough for Harold Perrineau for playing my least favorite character in the Lost main cast and then being called “Michael” rather than “Harold” by Jimmy Kimmel on the after-finale show.
Kimmel was clearly embarrassed, and Perrineau took it well, but oof.
Me too. Leguizamo was the Prince of Effing Cats, man. And he was perfection.
Also loved Perrineau as Mercutio. I called him Mercutio Dad for a while on Lost.
Every time I read his name I think of that really good weaselly looking guy who is in Amlie & Delicatessen.
Indeed, and both he and Harold Perrineau were incredible in their roles and gave my 13-year-old self some exciting new feelings.
Wait… I just had an idea: Harold Perrineau as Puck/Owen.
Ahh thank you I always mix up Tybalt and Mercutio FOR NO GOOD REASON
Ron Perlman, it must be noted, looks a little bit like a tragic Will Ferrell with a pituitary gland issue.
Yessssss. Tragic Will Ferrell.
I’M DYING THIS IS EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED
Also the tiny baby queer that lived in my heart as a child is STILL VINDICATED that in the comics following the series Lex got a hot stag gargoyle boyfriend.
WATCH IT, IT’S GR8!
Genuinely though, as someone who watched ALL THE CARTOONS in the 90s, Gargoyles is one of the ones that has held up as still being so, so good even without my nostalgia goggles and confusing pantsfeelings about Elisa biasing me toward it. It’s such an interesting combination of mythology and Shakespeare and ~humanity~ and loneliness and finding connection.
I can get behind most of this, but have to object to the casting of Elisa Maza. Michelle Rodriguez was born for that role. I mean, Andrea Navedo could do it, I guess, but only if they can’t get Michelle.
I am definitely down with Michelle Rodriguez, but I got to admit I would just love to see Natalie Morales in the part. Maybe I’m just missing The Middleman, but I just think she’s so talented. Look, we know she can do the funny stuff at a walk, but I think she has dramatic ability that no part has truly let her display!
^ Yes to Natalie Morales, and Double Yes to missing The Middleman
i think i just realized i might have had a little crush on demona as a child.
(also this is AMAZING, DUH)
and: “The rest of you, I am fairly certain, are willing to follow me to the gates of insanity and death.”
LEAD US O MALLORY
i think i just realized i might have had a little crush on demona as a child.
So much of my early teen years and sexuality have now been explained.
I never knew of the existence of this show until five minutes ago but I would watch the ever-living shit out of this movie.
Tilda Swinton as Xanatos is GENIUS, but who then would play Fox? I feel like a buffed up Emma Stone could do it, but I’m open to other casting choices
DAVID BOWIE
Maybe Swinton could play Xanatos AND Fox. (Plus Coyote, of course.)
While we’re casting the Pack: David Wenham as Dingo, Ben Foster as Jackal, Sarah Shahi as Hyena, Clancy Brown returns as Wolf.
I too, am extremely invested in the casting of Fox. How about Emily Blunt – in full on Angel of Verdun mode.
Lena Headey as Fox.
Jessica Chastain!
Maybe this is a good time to pose this question: I remember watching a full-length animated gargoyles movie with my cousins at their house during a sleepover in like ’94? and I have been trying to find evidence of it for a few years now. Did I make this up?!
So the pilot episode of the show was like 5 episodes and i BELIEVE it might have been marketed as a movie for vhs at some point? either that or one of the other 5 parts eps, of which there were a few. ive been trying to figure this out as well.
You did not make this up, as I rented it from my local MovieMax at least once a month for two years.
It obviously made a big impression… worthy of repeat viewing.
maybe it was this? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gargoyles_the_Movie:… first five episodes were edited into a direct-to-video movie, apparently!
Aaaaaah! That seems incredibly likely!
Could it have been a two- or three-parter you marathoned and now just remember as one feature-length film?
Thank goodness for fanfic writers who bravely probed the depths of gargoyle/human sexual relations.
Terry Crews as Broadway, Ken Watanabe as Macbeth, and Jeff Bridges as Hudson are all sorts of “perfect” and “doing it for me” and all that.
I had a moment of “Why not Brent Spiner as Puck? He’d be perfect”, then I remembered that he’d be perfect because, well, he *was* Puck. Look, I just can’t get away from the fact that deep down, I think all the voice actors would just be the perfect actors (I will concede, with the caveat “at the right age”).
P.S. Keith David, the Goliath of my heart.
Yes! I loved this show and this casting is perfect!
Does anyone else remember getting a Gargoyles toy from McDonalds that was stone coloured but turned green if you got it warm? I have a really clear memory of accidentally sitting on it during a long car ride and then being so happy that it was completely green when I discovered it.
Demona: Christina Hendricks
In my current “Jessica Chastain should be in everything phase” is there a part for her in this flick?
OH MY GOD! Christina Hendricks as Demona is pure genius!!!! she is hard-core, but she would still really be able to carry off the parts where Demona acting vulnerable but also playing them all like suckers.
Am I the first person to point out that Brent Spiner voiced Puck in the actual series? Not saying he should take the role in a live action movie, but it seems odd to have someone who voiced a character on the show to switch characters. Especially when it is Bronx.
he’s too old to play live-action Puck!
This is a topic of which I have thought about long and hard. as a preteen Shakespeare nerd, you can imagine how I just ate up all the references in the show. I just couldn’t believe that the weird totally uncool thing that I was into a middle school was actually represented in kid popular culture.
I know this is sacrilege – but I don’t think Swindon is right for Xanatos *hides*
Swindon is Swindon is at her core very magnetic but ultimately alien and unsettling. What’s so great about Xanatos is that he is so charismatic that even when you know he is an world-class evil mastermind, you just can’t help but like him and want to get a drink with him. Reflexively, I want to cast Fassbender, but that might be my Fassbender bias talking…
Otherwise, this list is really on point. Also, I like that you gave Brett Spiner a part as I adored his Puck in the animated series. I honestly don’t think you could legally call any movie a Gargoyles movie unless it included at least one ST:TNG actor.
*thank you to the toast for allowing new venue let me vomit up all of these feelings.
IT’S SWINTON YOU *CLOD*
Sam Rockwell needs to stop doing whatever he is doing in that picture because I am supposed to be working right now
The fact that you cannot stream this show anywhere is absolute sacrilege and I WILL NOT HAVE IT.
we signed up for the Disney DVD club solely to get access to the second half of the second season. no regrets.
(well, a few regrets because last week they sent us Planes: Fire Rescue on BluRay)
I am so tired of throwback movies and comic book movies BUT I WOULD WATCH THE SHIT OUT OF THIS.
Also, Sam Rockwell dancing in Charlie’s Angels… Never before, never again will I think he is hot, even though I liked him in Moon, Galaxy Quest, and Hitchhiker’s Guide. But yeah, just him dancing blew my mind…weird.
I can’t even handle how great this is. I was obsessed with this show and am definitely voting for Morris Chestnut for Goliath, especially because I had Weird Feelings about Goliath as a kid and he’s just….hotter than the other guy which makes me feel like, .025% better about that.
ack! My speech to text software was defeated. My apologies. I guess that’s what I get for voicing against the mighty SWINTON. However, I would like to add that I think that she would make a dynamite Oberon!
oh my god I can actually hear Ken Watanabe hissing “farewell, my enemies” in my head right now
I WOULD TOTALLY WATCH THIS. Also glad you included Terry Crews, because that’s who I thought of like, immediately. I can’t for the life of me remember which Gargoyle I had a crush on as a kid though.
I had a big ol’ crush on Brooklyn when I was little. I feel like someone lankier needs to play him.
Quick artist’s impression:
This needs a 100 up-votes.
$99.9 million of those dollars will be from me. I want this so much it hurts.
Finally, a 90s pop culture post on The Toast that I actually understand. Usually these just make me feel old, because I was too busy attempting to be a grown up in the 90s to watch The Simpsons or read The Babysitters’ Club or whatever. But I went through a brief but intense Gargoyles phase in grad school.
All of this is to say – yes, I love this, and I would go see this movie.
GUYS GUYS GUYS. In Gargoyles the Movie <a href=”http://(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gargoyles_the_Movie:_The_Heroes_Awaken)” target=”_blank”>(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gargoyles_the_Movie:_The_Heroes_Awaken)
XANATOS WAS VOICED BY JOHNATHAN FRAKES.
Yes, that Johnathan Frakes:
Actually I’m looking at the original cast listing now and my mind is just blown out of the water. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Gargoyles_ca…
Xanatos was *always* voiced by Jonathan Frakes, since the ‘Movie’ is just the 5-part pilot episode. And yes, he is amazing the entire show through.
If I remember right, halt the Star Trek: TNG cast voiced the the Goargoyles. Marian Sirtis (Deanna Troy) voiced Demona. So….
The scientist from “Independence Day” is an inspired choice. Also, Jeff Bridges was really good in this movie called “The Big Lebowski,” you should see it if you haven’t yet.
No one i know remembers this being on tv in Ireland in the late 90's, i think we only got one season?? This whole article being here proves that I did not invent this whole tv show (what an imagination that would be!!) and that the toast is in fact my home!
Also Mallory, i got your book at last, Happy christmas to me!
Gargoyles and The Baby Sitter’s Club? The Toast truly is made of My People.
Yes, I own all of the Gargoyles DVDs, yes you should watch it, it’s still amazing. And I can’t get over the idea of not having the original voice actors in these roles. Especially Keith David. *sigh*
Although we are at a point where they probably could make a good Gargoyles movie, effects-wise.
In my recent rewatch of the whole series, I was shocked to realize that I never thought anything about the main character being a WOC. I mean, I realized she wasn’t white, it’s fairly obvious, especially once you meet her mixed-race family, but it never seemed at all strange or of note to Young Me. But seriously, how rare was that for a kid’s cartoon at the time?
Does anybody realize just how many Star Trek people were involved with Gargoyles? By the time it came to end, you could have renamed in "Star Trek: the Gargoyle Generation"! Seriously, its wasn't just Jonathan Frakes (Xanatos) and Marina Sirtis (Demona).
When will this be a thing? I NEED THIS IN MY LIFE.
Ever watch Titan AE? he'd make a great Aziz..the voice man.
Can we make it happen a la "Veronica Mars"?
To me, someday if there’s going to be a live action movie of Gargoyles to happen someday, I do like is the same original cast to do the voices of the Gargoyles, like Keith David as Goliath, Ed Asner as Hudson, Frank Welker as Bronx, Bill Faggerbakke as Broadway, Thom Adcox-Hernandez as Lexington, Jeff Bennett as Brooklyn. Because those actors brought their characters to life in the series. Not to sound crazy, I think maybe Robert Downey Jr. could be perfect as David Xanatos since they both look similar to one another.
I’m a huge fan of Gargoyles & Goliath is my favorite gargoyle, and that both him & Elisa Maza do make a wonderful couple.
In a live action Gargoyles movie, the gargoyles themselves would still be entirely animated (albeit with CGI.) — which means there’s no reason to not put Keith David and his incredible voice back in the role of Goliath.