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I am prepared to fight about this with you.

“The Broadway Melody,” Singin’ In The Rain

If I were not in such a generous and expansive mood, I would also ditch “You Are My Lucky Star,” when Debbie Reynolds has to stand on a ladder and listen to Gene Kelly say things like “I’m such a ham” in self-adoring tones. It doesn’t fit. She’s supposed to be the bright, peppy, modern love interest IN CONTRAST to all that “I love you, I love you, I love you” Dueling Cavalier business.

But I am feeling generous and expansive, so I will just trim the “Broadway Melody” sequence. YES, it’s a great song. YES, it’s funny when R.F. says “I can’t quite picture it” at the end. YES, Cyd Charisse is a great lady with some really tremendous thighs. But it adds nothing! There’s just…a third love interest, now, in the middle of a movie about the movie. And that ballet sequence. I am, as a rule, against balletic interludes in the middle of athletic, high-action musicals, and this is the worst of them all. (Obviously the ballet-dancing they’re doing is, you know, good. The proficiency of Gene Kelly’s balleting is not the problem here.) It’s slow. It drags. It advances the plot 0%. It has to go.

“Dream Ballet,” Oklahoma!

NO MORE BALLET SEQUENCES SHOEHORNED INTO MOVIE MUSICALS THAT ARE NOT ABOUT BALLET. NO MORE FOURTEEN-MINUTE MUSICAL NUMBERS. KEEP IT UNDER SIX MINUTES, LIFE IS SHORT.

“I’m Not Wearing Underwear Today,” Avenue Q

This song is only forty-five seconds long, and awful. How did this not get cut.

“Ballet,” An American In Paris

YOU FUCKING GUESSED IT ANOTHER FUCKING BALLET SEQUENCE WITH GENE KELLY IN A NUDE BODYSTOCKING

“Triplets,” The Band Wagon

Oh, absolutely not.

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