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Home: The Toast

1. You are terrified of the word “monkey.”

2. You are fluent in multiple languages, all of them English.

3. People like to ask you if you are upset about something.

4. Your friends speak Ebonics to you when drunk.

5. You speak Ebonics when drunk.

6. You are drunk.

7. You are allergic to watermelon.

8. You are the only person you know who can wear a baseball cap without looking like a complete tool and you are disproportionately pleased by this.

9. When people pronounce your name it feels somehow like they’re being condescending to your mother.

10. Seriously, though, are you upset about something?

11. Your friends always joke that you secretly hate white people.

12. You always joke that you don’t.

13. You have never danced in public.

14. In fact, you once saw a bumper sticker that said “Dance as though no one is watching you” and you briefly considered chasing the driver down, running them off the road, and sending their Subaru wagon careening in a slow-motion explosion over the cliff and into the sea. You did not. Instead you got a chili cheese dog and a chocolate milkshake for breakfast and ate it alone in a parking lot.

15. People like to demonstrate to you that they are not at all racist by saying something extremely racist and then being like “Wouldn’t that be terrible if I said that?”

16. But they did say that.

17. You’ve developed the uncanny ability to loudly cough at the precise moment the n-word comes up in a song. Unrelated, you suffer from severe throat lacerations.

18. I just really feel like you’re upset about something.

19. You are the only person you know who does not suffer from colorblindness.

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Carvell Wallace is a father, writer and tech founder. If he had cats, he would name them "Melancholy" and "Ennui." He tweets at @carvellwallace.

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