The sea is full of haters.
Light cannot penetrate its depths after a few dozen feet, due to the unusual concentration of haters lurking just below the ocean’s surface.
The first humans crawled out of the sea ages ago because they knew that if they wanted to get anything done like legs or talking, they’d have to get away from the non-stop hating and criticism. So we got out of there pretty fast.
HATERS OF THE SEA: A TAXONOMY
The moon is a hater.
“EVERYBODY MOVE,” yells the moon. “I’m ORBITING. GET OUT OF BED. IF I’M MOVING, YOU’RE MOVING.”
The sea anemone is a hater.
“If I can’t swim, you can’t swim,” the anemone says as it snatches another fish who was just minding its own business. “Fuck swimming.”
Remoras are haters. They won’t even swim for themselves. They wait for a shark to pass by and then suction onto their eyes and face, pretending they just wound up there by accident when really they just didn’t feel like doing any work.
“Oh hey, funny seeing you here,” the bullshit remora says, but the shark knows better. “What a total accident that we happen to be going in the same direction.” Haters can’t even swim.
A squid is not a hater. A squid is just trying to live. Squids do not need your input.
Every single manta ray is a hater. They’re giant sun blockers that like to fuck with everyone swimming below them. “Oh, were you hoping to use your eyes for seeing?” manta rays say before their giant wings blot out what little sunlight trickles down into the sea. “Good fucking luck with that. Sorry, excuse me, I didn’t see you there,” even though they entirely fucking did.
Coral reefs are not haters. Coral reefs are trying their best and you should cut them a fucking break.
A starfish is a goddamn hater. Fuck a starfish. A starfish will cling to something and eat it from the inside out instead of just minding its own damn business. A starfish will not die even if you cut its arms off. A starfish does not need arms to live, because haters live on spite.
A crab is a hater. It carries its own house around on its back because it’s too good to live in a rock like everyone else in the oceans. A crab thinks it is too damn special to lay eggs underwater and has to go lay them on the beach, like it’s a sea turtle or something. Crabs are not sea turtles. Stop trying to be something you’ll never be. Crabs think they are fancy spiders but they’re not. They’re sandy haters.
A dolphin is a hater. Don’t let that smile fool you. They’re laughing about you.
Illustrator: Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He’s on Twitter, and doesn’t expect you to get his name right.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.