It’s a simple one, and it’s just saucy enough that people feel a little excited over having been included, but not so saucy that you risk offending someone (your mileage may vary depending on your peer group, results not guaranteed). It requires just enough participation and interaction that people perk up and start talking to each other, but not so much that anyone has to get up or anything. If the conversation was flagging before, odds are that it’ll get a little more personal and a little more genuine afterwards.
It could also fail. I don’t know. I don’t go to very many parties. Give it a try anyhow.
The question is this: How would you give a handjob if your wrists disappeared?
That’s it. No further setup is necessary. People will want to ask you questions — does this mean my hands are locked onto my forearms like a Barbie doll? Are my hands flopping around like a puppet’s? Has that entire part of my arm disappeared, or just the joint? Can I move my fingers? But those are not for you to answer. They’re for each handjob-pantomimer to determine for themselves.
Also, the word “handjob” is inherently funny.
Actual sexual preference does not enter into it. In this world, your wrists have been removed from your body and it is deeply important that you perform a complete handjob on a nearby penis (there’s nothing remarkable about the penis in question; only your wrists have been altered).
Everyone interprets the situation differently. Everyone’s face becomes a mask of determined concentration. Everyone really brings the bulk of their spatial reasoning to bear, and it’s a delight to see. “I didn’t even think of doing it like that,” someone will declare. “That’s a really great strategy.” And you’ll all have learned something.
Tags: advice, how to give a handjob with no wrists, parties, questions
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You think I got kicked out because of just the aquarium? Nah, it was the handjob. And you know what else? It was worth it. Wrists or no wrists.
Wow I just recently re-watched that movie! Weird.
I did too!
My favorite movie of all time thank you thank you
Aaaand I’m in love with you.
(a little late to this party, but this is my fave movie and you made me guffaw.)
I. . . have very little to add to this, but I now I am very curious whether the Related Posts lineup is hand-selected or automated, because if the latter, your robot algorithms have done a fine job indeed.
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But is it hand-selected with or without wrists?
“Some Questions For Andrew Ucles, Who (Maybe) Catches Animals Bare-Handed On YouTubeSome Questions For Andrew Ucles, Who (Maybe) Catches Animals Bare-Handed On YouTube”
At the parties I go to, I see this devolving into a Silicon Valley-like frenzy of diagrams and biological explanations while everyone argues about the mutation that could have caused you to have no wrists.
I must try this out ASAP.
“Let me ask you something. How fast do you think you could jack off every guy in this room? Because I know how long it would take me, and I can prove it!”
I’ve been to waaaay too many parties like this.
Oh man, I cannot wait three more months to spend time with these beautiful creatures. I’ve already rewatched most of the episodes twice.
Like Bart in this gif
You win forever.
I think I’d personally try Lisa’s version
I’m picturing Bart holding someone by the penis, swinging their body around like a flail.
Mine is ‘Where’s the bathroom?’
Mallory we go to very different parties
Maybe I should not be sitting at my desk at work making handjob motions using just my elbow? It might be hard to explain professionally if someone sees me.
Oh, good. I’m not alone.
Carpal tunnel exercises. Definitely.
JUST DID IT
I like to ask people “If you had to give up oral sex or cheese, which would you pick?” and also “If you were going to be cooked and eaten, how would you want to be prepared?” It’s amazing that I still get invited to parties ever.
Oh man, that first question is a real dilemma.
No hesitation– I wouldn’t give up cheese for anything.
I find that men are more likely to stick with oral sex, and women are more likely to say “eh, I have a lot more control over the quality of my cheese”. That’s certainly my response.
Would that I had more thumbs-up to give.
I was about to say that my partner, who is a dude, would say cheese, and I would probably give up the oral. So your trend holds true.
but he doesn’t actually enjoy cheese unless it has been melted on something, so there are whole worlds he’s missing out on already.
I’ve been at a party where the oral sex and cheese question was asked. The whole room took a vote. It was great.
It was unanimously pro cheese wasn’t it?
It was at least 80% pro-cheese. I was one of the few pro-oral-sex people, but I’ve also been flirting with the idea of going vegan or mostly vegan for a while. Of the other two people who voted against cheese, one is now mostly vegan and the other is lactose intolerant.
Me too, and that was at least 12 years ago because I was in high school at the time. I think it was from a “Would You Rather” card game?
Wait, giving or receiving oral sex?
I mean, I’m pretending like it matters when I would always choose cheese, no matter the option.
+1 let’s be real here, cheese rules everything around me
Yeah that’s my question. Because if it’s just receiving, then cheese all the way. But if it’s also making me seem selfish and worse in bed, then I dunno. Especially because it’s not like I can just explain that I simply can’t go down any more. How does that conversation go?
“No, I’d really like to, it’s just that I can’t! Because of a terrible wizard I met… at a party. He, uh, asked me a question you see…”
I’m thinking it’s both?
I ask that cooked & eaten question, TOOOOOO!
Another favorite (only to be asked of omnivores) is “If you could only eat one animal for the rest of your life, what would it be?” Meaning, only beef, pork, chicken OR turkey, etc. I do have to set down rules on seafood. Only freshwater OR saltwater OR shellfish OR clams & such. I always like seeing if I can change their minds to a different animal.
The grossest answer I got to the cannibal question was from a vegan, because he’d want revenge on people for eating him– he said he’d want to be lightly boiled whole and wrapped in a tortilla.
You know, this becomes exponentially more difficult to answer when you consider Colette’s adage of “Un homme qui n’aime pas le fromage ne peut être bien au lit” (A man who does not like cheese can’t be good in bed).
I would beg to differ! From personal experience.
I find this baffling.
If these fabled men/women do exist (and I will take your word for it that they do), surely the experience would be lessened by the internal monologue of ‘They said they hated Gruyere. How can anyone not like Gruyere…’?
Well, he doesn’t hate cheese. Just doesn’t enjoy it unless it’s cooked/melted. And I am far too distracted to be concerned about his thoughts on cheese!
Well played, then, you two crazy non-fromagiophiliac kids.
I was very much intrigued by this adage and researched its origins… it’s apparently more important to find a woman who likes cheese, based on my findings (http://todayididthisforme.wordpress.com/2015/01/11/love-and-cheese/)
I’m asexual and I hate cheese. So, both?
And that is how you win the game, friend. Maybe you can gift your cheese & sex to another party attendee?
Oh my god, am I the only Toastie who loves head, as either recipient or giver? I mean, I can’t eat cheese so there is that, but I swear, even if I could, there’s no contest. ORAL SEX, BABY. I’m not saying I have a playlist I put together for giving head, but I totally have a playlist I put together for giving head.
I mean, I really love oral sex, I do!
But, I have orgasms from practically a light breeze, so I have options.
My boyfriend would be upset though. I probably couldn’t do that to him, when he doesn’t even like cheese that much.
No no, we all love oral sex. You just ,tragically, are unable to experience cheese so you don’t understand where we’re coming from. Nobody says it’s an easy decision. But cheese wins.
Oh, but I used to be able to eat cheese, and I remember the deliciousness, don’t get me wrong. Different strokes (heh) for different folks! I’m just surprised that cheese wins by such a large margin on The Toast. But now that I’ve typed out that sentence, I think I see the fault in my assumptions.
I’ll be honest, my answer to that first question completely depends on if my partner is listening/reading or not.
With my lock-step hands, I would quickly instruct the person to lie down on the nearest flat surface. Dry, joyless, perpendicular motions would commence.
Most parties i go to have aunties either advising me to get married or judging me for not already being married. In such cases if i ask a handjob related question, i fear they will take that as a tacit approval on my part for them to go groom-hunting for me.
You and the prospective groom could then have this conversation! Wait, what?
pretty sure he’ll ask me “we’ll think of handjobs later, tell me first, will you be able to cook my mother’s dal without those friggin wrists?”
Handjobs are not part of the indian culture- think of all the wasted children- you might even have a son there somewhere.
hahahahaha a good virile boy who can get a degree by 21, advanced degree by 23, job by 24, car by 25, wife by 26, house by 27, first kid by 28, second kid by 29.5 and done by 30.
I never really understood handies. Why do with your hand what other body parts can do so much better? I have yet to find a partner who disagrees.
It’s the sex act you perform when you just don’t want to do anything else.
I have performed a NUMBER of grudging handjobs, all before I got better about sexual boundaries.
Truth, like 94% of all handjobs are preceeded by a massive sigh on the part of the handjobber
‘Fine!’ may also be muttered under the breath of the handjobber.
I was just thinking about it, and only 5 handjobs haven’t been grudging and of those 5, 3 were performed as part of teenage sexual exploration.
Situations in which I have joyfully, gleefully, and enthusiastically given handjobs (and received reciprocal attentions):
Youthful exploration (as noted by a commenter below)
With partners other than primary, while in an open relationship that permits sexual touching but not intercourse with partners other than primary
With primary partner, in a long-term relationship while I had one of the strains of HPV associated with cervical cancer, which I did not wish to give to the gentleman (btw it’s fascinating how many different ways two people can contrive to make this work when options are limited!)
With primary partner, while I was taking antibiotics and thus extra-vulnerable to bacterial infections of the nethers
Different strokes for different folks, I guess!
“Different strokes”
I see what you did there
I really don’t understand all the hate for handjobs. For some reason there’s this mentality that vaginal and oral sex are somehow so much better, and that handjobs only exist as a timid, early-relationship pitstop on the way to these more bountiful experiences. But like all sex acts, the handjob possesses its own advantages and disadvantages.
In short, the fist has the ability to simultaneously control tightness and motion in ways that other body parts simply cannot, and there are some fun creative maneuvers that can be pulled off with two hands. Don’t forget that lube can be a very sensible addition!
Handjobs are perfect for a well-balanced sexual lifestyle, so try handjobs today!
This is actually really interesting to me… I’m experiencing a bit of a sexual renaissance this last year, and I want to learn more more MORE about all sorts of stuff like this that can create more lateral creativity in the sack, as well as power in sex (light dom/sub stuff) and I have NO idea where to go. And I feel like Google is just a can of worms. Long story short, do you have any recommendations?
Hmm, my best advice would be to ask your partner(s) if they’re comfortable doing some exploration and experimentation. On the path to good sex, you’re going to make a lot of goofs. If you’re worried about things going “smoothly”, these goofs can ruin things. But if you and your partner(s) both feel safe and comfortable, you can usually laugh these off and actually increase the togetherness of the experiences. Go wild, be silly, and you’ll probably be impressed with what you find. 🙂
As for specific recommendations…you know that thing that magicians do where they keep pulling an endless stream of colored handkerchiefs out of a hat, quickly alternating hands for a continuous pull? Do that, except replace the handkerchiefs with a penis.
endless stream of coloured handkerchiefs
http://i.imgur.com/9yMT51t.jpeg
I want to learn more more MORE about all sorts of stuff like this that can create more lateral creativity in the sack, as well as power in sex (light dom/sub stuff) and I have NO idea where to go.
That is not a practical reference guide.
Oh, good! I was wondering if I was the only outlier on this one, too (apparently, most people choose cheese over oral sex?). Handjobs are SO FUN!
Two words: Public Sex.
Aw, but handjobs are really the only thing I miss about not dating men anymore! They’re so fun. (Hm, a queer lady might not be the best advocate for a dude-related sex act, but I tried.)
A (somewhat?) more g-rated question that had similar results at a party I once went to– how would you start a lighter if you didn’t have thumbs?
I guess you could ask the same about almost any activity. How would you write without thumbs? Can you open this cereal box with no thumbs? You two– shake hands, no thumbs!
As soon as I read the question I frowned down at my hands, clasped them together and sort of – jerked them up and down from the elbow. I can’t imagine this would be pleasant for the owner of the penis, and in fact I’m a bit worried I’d tear it off.
This is exactly what I did.
Disturbingly, I think it is the exact same motion I’d make if someone asked me, “How would you club someone in the junk at close range?”
I also had almost immediate shoulder pain. It isn’t a motion I could do for more than, say, a minute.
I’m making some cocktail-shaker esque motions over here. Maybe it’s the ex-bartender in me.
The gentleman in question would have to be standing directly behind my left shoulder, of course, although I’m not sure I see how that could make the situation *more* awkward, so I suppose it’s fine.
Urgent to Nicole: please come back.
hey man screw you too
My response: “Good lord. I have no idea. Oh, is that the time? I have an early shift tomorrow, lovely party, bye!”
I do, in fact, work early shifts.
See the way I would do it is I always imagine my hands have become floppy, and that I’d have to line them up and then jerk my elbows up and down like a puppet, very quickly.
oh lord now I’m imagining it with those arm-sticks muppets have. (no, kermit!)
That’s like how I imagine a t-rex would do it. With its weird baby hands.
This is the most perfectly useful article to make me bark aloud with laughter in some time.
I have a friend who was a public defenders and to corroborate an alibi for one of her clients she had to track down, in the client’s words, “a ho named ‘No Hands'”, which I guess referred to a sexual technique rather than a disability. (At the time of the crime, he and No Hands were “fucking and eating chicken.” He was acquitted.)
I aspire to have that as my own alibi one day.
I wish to watch a movie of this person’s life immediately!
I hope to God that “fucking and eating chicken” is synonymous with “eating chicken and fucking.”
I was sort of skimming and saw the bottom half first and also read it as “fucking and eating children” which gave me pause
This is only strengthening my suspicion that I am really bad at handjobs. Do I even use my wrists when I do them normally? I don’t know.
same!
Wait, you use your wrists when giving a handjob?
What have I been doing all these years…?
Well, you just made me sit at my desk waving my arm around trying to figure out how I’d give a hand job WITHOUT my wrists.
Until today, I thought I understood what misandry meant.
A+
Mallory, important question: can you use accessories?
Eh, I end up using the ‘terrible wizard’ excuse at least twice every time I have sex.
Maybe you should take off your robe and wizard hat BEFORE entering the bedroom.
I can never figure out how to post videos here so just click on this – Garfunkel and Oates’ “Hand Job Bland Job I Don’t Understand Job”:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqG0rc7vZX4
This question reminds me of a late night party argument I was involved in where we were trying to figure out what the hips/knees (I can’t remember which, just…something like that) of the arms were. It was never resolved. I should add that some alcohol had been consumed by most of the parties involved.
I am so glad my co-worker is out of our office this morning so I don’t have to make these gestures in front of her.
…Although I’ll be sharing this with her as soon as she gets in this afternoon, so.
Alternate article title: “How to force the universe to generate that abrupt ‘record scratch’ sound effect.”
I was at a bar crawl bachelor/ette party that was livened up SIGNIFICANTLY when another guest started asking strangers whether or not a hot dog is a sandwich.
If I may quote the delightful John Hodgman:
‘Let me apply the wisdom of Solomon: If your friend’s hot dog is a sandwich, why doesn’t he just cut it in half? HE CAN’T, CAN HE? Because it is not a sandwich, but a hot dog, indivisible and sui generis — a culinary anomaly so compelling that we actually eat it, even when it is cooked in a tank on a cart.”
Hm, if I didn’t have soft, squishy bones in one of my feet and could potentially break it, I would probably use my feet. They’re pretty huge and I have long, flexible toes. OR, elbow. Grease it up, flex, I think it could work.
I was totally, in my head, all “with my feet!” But I guess that’s technically not a handjob, right?
I dunno, it’s with a limb! #limbjob
Uh, not well. Although, I have broken wrists at the moment. So, difficult to type let alone do a handjob.
As someone who has formally studied lexical semantics and the cognitive science of categorization, I find this UTTERLY DELIGHTFUL.
I dunno, it's with a limb! #limbjob
And that is how you win the game, friend. Maybe you can gift your cheese & sex to another party attendee?
I would be so happy to give handjobs if my wrists disappeared, since that means my wrists wouldn’t end up aching due to my valiant effort (but ultimate inability) to go as fast or as long as necessary for my partner to come.
My immediate reflexive response to this was “With my mouth”. I’m sure that says something about me.
I was very much intrigued by this adage and researched its origins… it's apparently more important to find a woman who likes cheese, based on my findings (http://todayididthisforme.wordpress.com/2015/01/11/love-and-cheese/)