To Ensure The Birth Of A Child With A Caul, A Most Fortuitous Blessing, seek to conceive within 12-24 hours of ovulation or touching the cloak of a master thief.
To Ensure Your Child Is A Seventh Son Of A Seventh Son, abandon your daughters by the banks of a river with only a ring and a blanket as markers to their family name.
To Disguise The True Parentage Of Offspring (An Enchanted Bear), speak only Bible verses on your most fertile days of the month.
To Bring About The Birth Of A Snow-Daughter Who Resembles A Human Child In Every Way But Whose Heart Cannot Feel Love, pray to the Blessed Virgin on the days of your cycle when your vaginal mucus is colorless and stretchy, with the consistency of egg whites.
To Birth A Curse-Breaker, purchase a basal thermometer and kill a witch with it.
To Bring Forth A Child Beautiful Enough To Bring Luck But Not So Beautiful It Attracts The Ire Of Lilith, avoid alcohol, caffeine, the left side of the bed, steel, broomsticks, sick or lamed horses, making eye contact with cats, and boasting after the sun has set.
To Cleverly Subvert The Will Of The Bene Gesserit And Bring Forth The Kwisatz Haderach A Generation Early, concentrate deeply on the eleventh day of your cycle and visualize maleness.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.