I am on maternity leave. I’m not really here.

1. If Channing Tatum were your boyfriend, he would NEVER try to tell you about Slavoj Žižek.

2. If Channing Tatum were your boyfriend, he would think you were so smart. “Babe, you are so smart,” he would say, while welding at you.

3. If Channing Tatum were your boyfriend, he would get you the worst birthday gifts, but he would look at you with such love that you would never care. Then he would dance for you.

4. If Channing Tatum were your boyfriend, all your ex-boyfriends would be suuuuuch snide assholes about it, but they would also be filled with despair and self-loathing.

5. If Channing Tatum were your boyfriend, your parents would be surprised at first, but they would come around really quickly. “Yep, my daughter’s with Channing Tatum,” they’d say. “He treats her like a princess.”

6. If Channing Tatum were your boyfriend, he would never pay attention to insider scandals in new media, so you could choose to never talk about them.

7. If Channing Tatum were your boyfriend, he could probably do that thing you’ve seen in movies where he lifts you up and holds you effortlessly against a wall during sex.

8. If Channing Tatum were your boyfriend, he would text you funny online videos constantly, with “LOLLLLLLLLLLLL” commentary.

9. If Channing Tatum were your boyfriend, your children would be as beautiful as the sun itself.

10. If Channing Tatum were your boyfriend, he would get you a puppy for Christmas. “Oh, Channing,” you would say. “You should never get people puppies for Christmas, it leads to pet abandonment.” “Aw, I thought you’d love it!” he would say. “I do, ya big goof,” you would say. You would name the puppy “Pony.”