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Home: The Toast

Jesse Berney’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.

The Avengers is the best comic book movie of all time, and anyone who disagrees is a shill for the Batman-industrial complex. It introduced us to the greatest team of superheroes the big screen has ever seen, and then it sent them their separate ways.

But they didn’t stop saving the world. In the three Marvel Cinematic Universe movies that have followed the Avengers, individual team members have faced catastrophic threats to our very existence — and they faced them largely on their own.

Why didn’t they call their fellow Avengers when the world was on the line?

Or did they?

 

Iron Man 3

IRON MAN 3

Thor, buddy, how’s it going?

How did you get this number?

Listen, remember that time we all saved New York and the rest of Earth from invading aliens?

Wait, how did you even call me? We don’t have phones in Asgard.

Yeah big guy that’s great. Look I’ve got someone here who wants to kill the president and I could really use a ha–

The president? This is the king of your Earth?

No, he’s not the king of earth, he’s just…he runs the country I’m from.

Ah, so he is your supreme ruler for life.

No, we vote on a new one every four years.

I see.

He’s very important and he’s–

You know I’m basically the king of an entire dimension, right?

Cap, I need some help big-time. I’ve got a scientist who breathes fire who wants to kill the president.

Tony, you promised you’d stop this.

Okay, I admit I was lying about the crisis at the North Pole and I’m sorry that’s how you found out there wasn’t a Santa Claus. But this time it’s for real.

There is no fire-breathing scientist trying to kill the president, Tony and if there were, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be the one telling me about it.

So call Nick Fury or whoever you need to verify and get your ass…

{…can I get another mai-tai? Thanks.} Tony, I just don’t think I’m going to be able to make to this one, sorry.

Did you say mai-tai?

Yeah, trying to fit one more in before my massage in a half hour. Look, if the president is still in mortal danger in a couple of days, definitely let me know.

Bruce, are you ready to hulk out with your bulk out?

You have to stop saying that.

Cool, whatever, just meet me on this ship in like an hour, I need you to beat some ass and help save the president.

Nah. I voted for the other guy.

I don’t really see what that has to do with…

He wants to gut school budgets but somehow manages to find money to funnel to secret tesseract weapons projects?

Okay, but he’s the president and I need you…

I suppose you just love that capital gains tax cut.

It’s not about…

It just makes ME. SO. MAD.

I’m gonna go.

 

THOR 2

THOR: THE DARK WORLD

Captain, this is Thor. The very fabric of existence is at stake, and I could use your assistance.

Tony, you don’t even sound like him.

This is not Tony Stark. Captain, everything we know in my realm and yours will soon disappear into nothingness if you do not…

Tony, I was sleeping.

You must awaken immediately and join me, for the entire universe is at stake.

Tony, I’m hanging up now.

Who was that you said was trying to destroy the nine realms?

Dark elves.

Elves? Like Keebler elves?

What are Keebler elves?

They bake cookies.

I do not believe these elves bake cookies.

So they’re like Lord of the Rings elves?

What are Lord of the R–

By the way, I managed to save the president that time. Everything worked out in the end, thanks so much for asking.

Thor, I heard you’re looking for a hand.

Oh that’s so great Clint thanks so much for getting in touch it’s just that there’s this giant red field of energy that’s going to destroy the entire universe, and I’m not sure shooting arrows at it will be much help.

 

CAP 2

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER

Thor, listen. Agents of HYDRA have infiltrated SHIELD and are trying to…

I only understood three of those words.

Okay, remember that big ship we were on? That was run by SHIELD. They’re the good guys.

I thought we were the good guys.

Right, we are the good guys. And so is SHIELD.

Ah yes, all those men scurrying around, they seemed pleasant.

Well it turns out a whole lot of them are from HYDRA, and they’ve taken over…

HYDRA?

Bad guys.

Monsters?

No, just normal guys. But bad.

If they’re normal, why don’t you just throw that round thing you carry around at them?

Well I’ve been throwing it around quite a bit, frankly, but there are a lot of them, and they have guns.

This sounds like more of an internal Earth disagreement. I don’t think I should get involved.

This is important, and I…

Seriously, how do you people keep calling my helmet?

You want me to smash what?

Three new helicarriers in the basement of SHIELD headquarters.

Which cost about how much?

Around six trillion dollars or so. Is that a lot these days?

Yeah Steve, that’s a lot of money. I’m not smashing three helicarriers for you.

Well, could you just smash the headquarters up a little for me? Even minimal smashing would be super helpful.

You know I’m the smartest scientist in the world, right? I can do more than just smash things.

Oh, I know. That’s great.

Yeah.

So about the smashing…

I’m gonna go.

You’ve reached the personal number of Tony Stark. Sorry I can’t get to your call right now, but leave your name and number after the beep and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. BEEEEEEEP

Tony, it’s Natasha. Please call me as soon as you get this. SHIELD has been compromised and Steve and I are on the…

Ha, I can’t believe you fell for that.

What?

You really can’t tell the difference between a beep and someone saying “beeeep”?

Yeah, that’s great. Steve and I have literally every agent in SHIELD trying to kill us.

Classic Tony. Nailed it.

Never mind.


Illustrator: Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He’s on Twitter, and doesn’t expect you to get his name right.

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Jesse Berney is senior editor of Blue Nation Review and a stand-up comedian in Washington, DC. Follow him on Twitter at @jesseberney.

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