Anna Pulley’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.
Illustrator credit: Kelsey Beyer
Fifty Shades of Spay
Our heroine finds
herself enslaved by the CUTEST
tripod tabby.
Fifty Shades of Stay
Surprise! That “contract”
you signed was for a time-share
in Provincetown!
Fifty Shades of Gay
A bisexual
is born and no one questions
her identity.
Fifty Shades of Essay
A lesbian tome
on all that’s wrong with the books.
In Papyrus font.
Fifty Shades of Bombay
In which a woman’s
kink is revealed to be lip-
syncing in saris.
Fifty Shades of Tanqueray
A very drunk
woman tries to seduce a
fountain for three hours.
Fifty Shades of A.A.
Two sober gals quickly
realize they’re incompatible.
And move on.
Fifty Shades of OK
Two women meet, and
they both respect each other’s
boundaries. The End.
Fifty Shades of Bray
A lesbian tries
to explain the timeless
allure of Fran Drescher.
Fifty Shades of Buffet
Two babes give new
meaning to the phrase “all you can
eat.” Then they take a nap.
Fifty Shades of Sallie Mae
A forty-year-old
woman finally pays off
her student loans!
Fifty Shades of Crochet
Post-breakup, two girls
continue to meet at the club they
founded: Knit Happens.
Fifty Shades of Sick Pay
Two pro bono lawyers
fall in love during a routine
workers’ comp case.
Fifty Shades of Papier-Mache
A woman pretends
she’s impressed by her date’s
macaroni sculptures.
Fifty Shades of Hey Girl Hey
It’s just like the real
books, but with Ryan Gosling,
whom lesbians love.
Fifty Shades of Hit the Hay
Two buxom beauties
learn to understand the importance
of REM sleep.
*
