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Home: The Toast

femputer2Dear Femputer,

A: I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. Things have been going great between us, except for one thing: ever since I got a promotion at work two months ago, I’ve barely seen him. He says he’s excited for me, but whenever I get home late, he has a little comment to make about it. I know it will probably just take time, but is there anything I can do to help him understand that just because I’m doing well in my career doesn’t mean he’s going to start coming second in my life?

A: Kick him in the neck until there is no neck

Dear Femputer,

My husband is a great guy with one strange form of blindness: he can’t seem to notice if there are dirty dishes in the sink. For as long as I’ve known him, he’s been able to stroll into the kitchen, put his cups and plates in the sink, and then walk away like he’s finished the dishwashing process. He’s a great guy, really, Femputer. I’ve done everything I can think of — I’ve brought it up, I’ve pleaded, I’ve made a chore wheel (which made me feel more like his mother than his wife), I’ve washed his dishes for him — what do I do? The dishwasher is right there, Femputer! He’s so close to getting the dishes washed! How do I get him to take that final step?

A: Shove dishes in mouth until there is no mouth, only dishes

Dear Femputer,

I’ve been in a great relationship with a terrific guy for the last six years. He treats me really well and I’m really happy with him. The only problem is that I can’t seem to get him to help out around the house! He says he’s willing to do his part, but that my standards are too high, and if I want the sheets washed every two weeks, that’s my problem. Sometimes I think he pretends not to notice that it’s trash day or whether the sink has been cleaned so he doesn’t have to do it. He really is a great guy, Femputer. It’s just this one, constant problem. How can I help him understand that this is something that’s really important to me?

A: Hunt him with javelin until his neck is only blood

Dear Femputer,

How do I get my husband to —

A: NO HUSBAND

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