Jasmine Guillory’s work for The Toast can be found here.
Previously in this series: If John Cho Were Your Boyfriend.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, she would make you get up and go to the gym with her at 5:30 in the morning every day, but she would stand next to you and lovingly cheer you on the whole time, cheering loudest when you finally managed to do one whole push-up.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, you would automatically get four inches taller.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, Center Stage would come back to Netflix streaming, and the two of you would watch it together at least once a month. Michelle would always make popcorn (on the stovetop) and you would open a bottle of wine.
If Michelle Obama was your girlfriend, she would go shopping with you on a rushed trip to find a dress to wear to a wedding. She would reach into the racks and pull out the perfect flirty little patterned dress. It would fit like it was made for you, and it would be on sale.
You know how you feel when you walk down the street with your headphones on listening to Run This Town? That’s how you would feel all the time if Michelle Obama were your girlfriend.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, Beyoncé would call to sing Happy Birthday to you.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, all of your friends would ask you what it’s really like to hug her, and your powers of metaphor would be sorely tested. “It’s like being embraced by a warm pillow of strength,” you would say, and then stop yourself. “No, no, it’s like…you know how warm the water is in the Caribbean? But still refreshing? It’s like that.” “Wait, no, that’s not good enough. It’s like eating the best grilled cheese sandwich that you’ve ever had, inside on a rainy day, with a soft blanket on top of you, but you know that as soon as you want to go outside the sun will come out and it will be a perfect 72 degrees.”
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, when your grandmother starts to say something about your weight, Michelle would make a face at her and your grandmother would instead offer you some cheese and crackers.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, you would have perfect posture.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, she would teach you a new and delicious way of cooking that vegetable that you’ve hated your whole life.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, Shonda Rhimes would ask you to get drinks, just because. When you got there, Kerry Washington would be there along with her. She would show you pictures of her baby and let you try on one of her lipsticks.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, you would get home from work after a shitty day and she would have your favorite pie waiting on the kitchen table for you.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, you would stop in a bookstore together after lunch with Oprah, and after five minutes of solo browsing, you would hear Michelle’s voice from back of the store. You would follow the sound and see her surrounded by children, reading Green Eggs and Ham out loud to them, as she made all sorts of funny faces. Their parents would hug you both before you left.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, not only would she be front and center during the Electric Slide at your next family wedding, she would also teach all of your aunts and uncles how to dougie. At the bachelorette party, she would have a dance-off with the bride (she’d win, obviously; she’s Michelle Obama).
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, when you went out to dinner together, one of you would say something to set the other off, and soon you would both be laughing so hard, with those big deep belly laughs that you can’t hold in, and people in the restaurant would give you envious looks and just wish they were having as much fun as you.