Womyn’s Cottage Contingency Contract -The Toast

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In consideration of the forthcoming cohabitation of parties “J” and “V,” to be effected on the 24th of May, 2022 (at which point parties “J” and “V,” whom together shall constitute the “Womyn” of the “Womyn’s Cottage,” shall have reached their 30th birthdays), and the mutual covenants and undertakings hereinafter set forth, the parties (J and V) agree as follows:

ARTICLE I

Conditions Subsequent

A. Notwithstanding anything to the contrary contained herein, this Agreement shall not be binding on either party in the event that Party V is

a) Married (happily and/or satisfactorily),

b) with child, or

c) bound to place by burgeoning career.

B. Furthermore this Agreement shall not be binding on either party in the event that Party J is

a) dead,

b) infirm,

c) shacked up with dissertation advisor

c) making wise choices personally and/or professionally

ARTICLE II

Terms of Cohabitation

A. So long as the aforementioned conditions are not met, Party V and Party J hereby agree that they will between the two of them construct or rent a cottage, yurt, or similarly benign residence in Portland, OR, or other comparable town having a Walk Score > 80, and a robust CSA. Such residence hereafter will be referred to as the Womyn’s Cottage.

ARTICLE III

Rent or Mortgage Payment

A. Unless Party J and/or Party V happens upon a very large sum of money (No less than $2,000,000 USD), whether by inheritance, lottery, larceny, investment, etc., both Party J and Party V will locate employment at the time of taking up residence in Womyn’s Cottage.  Party V’s Master of Science in Computer Science will likely enable her to secure a job in Information Technology or a related field.  Party J will not be so lucky.  Her Bachelor of Arts in English Literature and tendency to spend all her time writing non-viable works of fiction will require that she tend bar during the day at Sarafina’s Java Bazaar (or some similar establishment) and at night take tickets at The Rough and The Reel Cinema (or the like) downtown.

ARTICLE IV
Nourishment

A. Party V will plant an herb garden and therein grow several varieties of mint, which she will use to make tea and lip balm and mint whipped cream. Party V points out that she grew mint as a college student, and whenever she was in a pinch or a hurry, she would simply grab a leaf on her way out the door and chew it instead of brushing her teeth. 

B. Party V will also attempt a vegetable garden.  Squash and kale will be her staples.  Anticipating a mealy and anemic harvest, J will become a member of the local organic co-op and thereby stock the cupboards with supplementary fare.

ARTICLE V
Human Cohabitants

A. Party V is wary of cohabitation, though she makes an exception for Party J. Party V often thinks of the disaster that was moving in with M, and of how her emergency evacuation in the space of the hour during which M was attending his Game Design class, was, although thrilling and rather like a scene from the movies, exceptionally inconvenient and ultimately a source of great pain for poor M, who really had not seen it coming. 

B. Party J remembers how it feels to live with someone you love but who doesn’t love you back.  It feels like indigestion and to Party J it smells like stir-fry and Lysol.  The older Party J gets, the more afraid she is of the people she meets.  Party J finds that she is even a little afraid of those people whom she already knows, and has known for years— afraid, perhaps, that they will disappoint her in some gross and irreparable way.  But Party J is not afraid of Party V. Party V will always love her back.    

C. On the subject of A, Party V’s current domestic partner as of 10/05ish/2014: Party V must terminate her relationship with A.  The sooner the better, in Party J’s opinion.  Party V feels sorry for A and recognizes his need for care.  She forgives him for hurting her feelings and scratching his butt in public.  She is not sure she forgives him for telling her she is boring and punching a hole in the wall while she was standing in front of it, but she understands that it was a cry for help.  Ultimately, all of these things are a cry for help.  Party J calls Party V on the phone and listens to stories about A for a long, long time and then says, “Imagine if it was me in your place.  What would you tell me to do?”    

ARTICLE VI
Non-Human Cohabitants

A. Party J will finally adopt a dog, from the nearest animal shelter, and in so doing atone for the surrender of dependents Pearl and Tuesday Guinea-Pig to the Algonquin County SPCA in September 2012 because she was mentally unfit to care for them and co-owner S (BFF of Party J from 2010-2012) was too busy with her cocaine parties and her med school applications to assist.

B. Party V would like to try her luck with chickens.  She read an article that intrigued her about a phenomenon called “bound eggs.”  A bound egg is an egg that is lodged inside the chicken’s body and in order to assist the chicken in the laying of its egg, you must lubricate the cloaca, or “vent” of the chicken, using KY jelly and your finger.  If you do not do this, the chicken will be unable to lay its egg and will die. Party V thinks it would be great to have that kind of skill and that kind of power. A dollop of lube, a persuasive finger, and then there she’d be: V, a god among chickens.      

ARTICLE VII
Womyn’s Attire

A. Tired of complicated clothing, Party J and Party V will wear mostly white cotton dresses in the summer, bathrobes and slippers in the winter, thus eliminating the need for undergarments while also reducing the weekly load of laundry (Parties J and V will do the wash by hand, most likely, as no one thinks to put a machine in a cottage). 

ARTICLE VIII
Intercourse

A. Under no circumstances will Parties V and J engage with one another sexually. Parties V and J have both agreed: sex is ruination. Party V wants to be able to take a bath with a companion and not have to wonder if said companion is angry or disappointed that said bath is not turning into something more. Party J believes, and has always believed, that nakedness should not be thought of as “an invitation.”

ARTICLE IX
Recreation

A. Party V would like to build a loom and learn to weave. Party J has reluctantly agreed. 

B. Party J would like to finish her cross-genre roman à clef…and someday she would like to continue her work towards a PhD in English Literature.  She hopes the Womyn’s Cottage will endow her with the necessary fortitude.

ARTICLE X
Alternative Recreation

A. Party V currently resides in San Francisco and is coming to know her true self through exercises in the heightening and lessening of her consciousness.  She requests a designated space or room in Womyn’s Cottage for said self-exploration to continue. 

B. Party J has no comment.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the respective parties V and J have executed this Agreement as of the day and year first written above. Each party shall heretofore do and perform, or cause to be done and performed, all such further preparations as the execution of this contract may reasonably require in order that its intent and established purpose, the conditions of which are contemplated hereby, be met and satisfied completely.

Signed: ______________________ Signed: ______________________

Party V                                                    Party J

Date: ___________                                   Date: ___________      

Sam Miller is a DC-based writer of fiction. Her interests, ever-changing, include boot camp, beaches, creatures, and sleep.

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