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Home: The Toast

Previously in this series: The sequel to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory that Charlie’s mother deserves.

EXT. DAY. UNNAMED FRENCH VILLAGE. The THREE BLONDE TRIPLETS and GASTON are all sitting on the edge of the fountain Belle was reading at during the “Bonjour” number. The BLONDES look as serious as possible, for them. 

TRIPLET #1: So I have a question.

GASTON: Sorry, what are your names?

TRIPLET #1: That’s not important.

TRIPLET #2 [simultaneously]: We don’t know, honestly.

TRIPLET #1: It’s really not important. What is important is that we are – and I think you have to agree? – objectively hot. Like, attractive, sure, pretty, yes, but also just generally hot. Right?

GASTON: I…yes.

TRIPLET #3: Like, just absolute babes.

GASTON: Incredibly and undeniably, yes.

TRIPLET #2: So just out of, I guess, super and total curiousness, can I ask why it is that having three absolute foxes fawn over you was totally meaningless to you during the entire movie?

TRIPLET #3: Because you could make the argument that Belle is more challenging or whatever because she’s not interested in you, I guess, but you have to acknowledge that we are easily as hot as she is.

TRIPLET #1: Like, stupidly easily. I feel like they used the exact same face template for all four of us, actually; there’s not even a substantive difference in our appearances, except we’re maybe a little bit bustier than she is?

TRIPLET #2: But no, it’s basically the same face with the hair switched out. And a little more makeup. And dressed more…wenchily, I guess.

come on

TRIPLET #1: But the point is that it does not make any sense that a guy like you, who is super hung up on appearances, would turn down three total babes who are throwing themselves at you for a similar-looking babe whose dad everyone hates.

TRIPLET #3: I guess it’s the challenge? Right? She doesn’t want to have sex with you on top of a pelt or whatever, so that makes it more interesting for you?

TRIPLET #2: But, to be honest, you do not seem like the kind of guy who wants a challenge. You seem like the kind of guy who wants an adoring audience, 100% of the time.

TRIPLET #3: At all. Like, no offense, but you are clearly the kind of guy who loses interest in a woman who doesn’t seem constantly fascinated by him, not the kind of guy who’s determined to marry the broke offspring of the town pariah because she likes reading Perrault.

TRIPLET #1: Not to get too far afield here, but I also don’t see you marrying the type of woman who doesn’t want to hear about your hunting stats or antler jerkoff parties or whatever. Maybe trying to bed her once and then leave her in humiliation, but you’re the guy who marries someone who refuses to see his negative qualities and then cheats on her all the time.

GASTON: Sorry, am I just…not dead in this timeline? Like, is this conversation happening before I try to marry Belle, and I’m going to be dead soon, or is the fact that I’m considering getting together with one or more of you a sign that we’re in an alternate version of reality and I haven’t been defenestrated?

TRIPLET #1: Don’t worry about it.

TRIPLET #2: I guess what’s just frustrating about this situation is that you literally said “In this town there’s only she/who’s as beautiful as me,” which suggests that you are not interested in the chase qua chase, merely in her good looks, but we look a billion percent the same as her. And there are three of us. And we are blonde. And like, just, suppler, in general.

TRIPLET #1: Not to knock Belle’s appearance, obviously! We’re not interested in tearing her down to make ourselves look or feel better. Just…whoever drew us clearly used the exact same facial reference, and yet everyone around us acts like we’re three, I don’t know, stacks of chinchillas wearing a trench coat pretending to be adult women.

TRIPLET #3: It’s kind of weird that all you ever want to do to us is overhead press the bench we’re sitting on before charging after our slightly more flat-chested doppelgänger.

GASTON: I…fine. So, okay. Let’s say I agree that you’re roughly as good-looking, if not better-looking, than Belle herself, and that I have little to no interest in women who aren’t impressed with me. What is it, exactly, besides that you’re looking to get out of this interaction?

TRIPLET #2: Oiled-up four-way.

GASTON: Are…are the three of you related? Like, is this a sister thing? Because I don’t think I’m into that.

TRIPLET #3: Honestly, I have no idea. It would be weird if we weren’t related, right? Because we look so much alike.

TRIPLET: #2: In fairness, most of the female characters in town look alike.

TRIPLET #3: Female women. We’re not characters to, like, ourselves.

TRIPLET #2: Right, right.

TRIPLET #3: Okay, so just to stay on the safe side, we’ll all take turns on the oiled-up four-way, so it’s just one of us with Gaston right after the other, so this doesn’t get creepy.

TRIPLET #1: Well. Creepier

TRIPLET #2: We’re splitting hairs at this point, I think. The important thing to remember is that we owe it to one another to have wild and uninhibited sex, because of how good-looking we all are.

TRIPLET #3: Because we all are tremendously good-looking. Just to clear that up.

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