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Home: The Toast

Previously in this series: If Natalie Dormer Were Your Girlfriend

1. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she wouldn’t be annoyed if you showed up to the Toronto International Film Festival with cat hair on your carefully pressed shirt. She’d lean into you during screenings and you’d smell her hair and sigh.

2. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she’d hold your hand at anti-austerity protests and share your complaints about the bitter cold and the obnoxious manarchists. You’d bring the coffee and she’d bring the megaphone. 

3. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, you’d collaborate on fanfiction about the Prime Minister’s wife. Sarah would scold you lovingly for using the word ‘smoldering’ one too many times.

4. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she’d coach you ever so gently on the art of surviving family dysfunction and defuse toxic competitions over who a certain dead relative loved best with stories from the set of Road to Avonlea. Like the time a pig got loose and trashed the craft services table. Or when she got in trouble for spilling purple kool-aid on an irreplaceable corset. 

5. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she’d gracefully change the subject every time your Dad unhelpfully tried to recommend future film projects. Because you know he would.

6. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she’d insert Salt’N’Pepa lyrics into mundane conversations just to make you giggle. “I need to speak to customer service,” Sarah would tell the lady from Hydro, “it’s VERY NECESSARY.” “I’m not going to share details about my current cable service,” she’d tell the guy from Videotron, “That’s NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.” 

7. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she wouldn’t know how to use snapchat either. 

8. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she would preemptively inform others that you had that haircut before Justin Bieber was old enough to ride a two-wheeler. 

9. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, you would eat a lot of lentils together without lecturing anyone else about the virtues of eating a lot of lentils. And your fridge would be full of cheese.

10. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, you’d spend your Friday nights drinking beer and doing impressions of Canadian celebrities. Late into the evening you would drunk text Margaret Atwood; she would drunk text right back. “LOL! On my way over.”

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Tess Elsworthy lives in Montreal, where she works as a receptionist in a medical clinic. Her bosom friends know her as a staunch champion of the original Gossip Girl, Rachel Lynde.

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