- if Taylor Swift dated women and also played a lot of Iron Maiden covers
- if those clear dishwashers Jack Donaghy thought of in the season finale of 30 Rock existed
- if no one ever wrote another article that was just a link to a clip from a comedy show that aired last night with the caption “Watch John Oliver/Amy Schumer/Key & Peele DESTROY/EVISCERATE/EXPLODE _________”
- if I got personalized text-message updates about episodes of Intervention I saw ten years ago and haven’t been able to get out of my mind
- if at the start of every Q&A session the person about to be Q&A’ed was allowed to say “How many of you have questions that aren’t questions at all but statements designed to demonstrate how smart you think you are or advance the axe you have to grind?” and everyone who did had to put their hands down and also leave
- that Colin Jost would be outfitted with an ascot, a pair of boat shoes, and a three-day’s supply of food and water, placed on a thirty-foot yacht, and pushed out to sea, never to return
- That God would come to me in a dream and tell me the location of Katharine Hepburn’s secret lesbian diaries, and that Katharine would somehow posthumously give me her blessing to read and publish them, and no one would ever believe the fiction that she and Spencer Tracy had sex even once ever again
- If all the money that went into a single Avengers movie was redirected for a sequel to The Craft with the original cast
- if everyone would stop trying to get me to watch prestige television and just let me go at my own pace
- if Jimmy Fallon were placed in a secure location and treated humanely but forbidden from ever leaving or attempting to communicate with the outside world
- if a good 20% of the AP American History course was about President James Buchanan’s canonical gayness
- if at least one restaurant in every city was in an abandoned train car and all the servers wear conductor hats but they don’t have to say any train stuff because that’s demeaning
- if I personally were able to translate the Voynich Manuscript and the contents DID turn out to be super important and they renamed it after me
- a full-length Samurai Jack movie, every year until my death, non-negotiable
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