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Home: The Toast

Previously in this series: Friendsgiving

Note: Through a vortex and also quantum physics and a wrinkle in the space-time continuum, the Ladies are all now around 30 years old, but it’s still like, 2015.


To: Katie, Nicole, Ash, Morgan, Jen
From: Ali
Subject: eating for two!!

Hey Ladies!!

Where has the time gone, seriously? This has been such an amazing winter. Sorry I’ve been so MIA, I’ve just been hanging out with some new girls I met. They are just so laid back yet really driven, and are so spiritually inspiring since they’ve embraced a really Eastern (Long Island) mentality. But you all are my #1 baes, and that is why I am so excited to see you all at our friend’s first….BABY SHOWER!!!!!!!

Congrats, Jen!!!! Are you feeling morning sickness yet?? Jen swore me to secrecy since she is still in the first trimester, but baby shower brunch places tend to book up, so we really don’t have a sec to lose, so I guess the cat is out of the bag!!! 

The baby is due in November, right? I am super booked up, but I think I can make a baby shower work at the end of Q2. Everyone please reserve every open weekend in May and June until I let you know what works best with my work sched!

I am so excited!!!! Jen, can you please text me the SECOND you find out the gender?? Or just facetime me into your gyn appointments. Showers are sooo much cuter if we can reinforce traditional gender roles and do something in the key of pink or blue.

Also, was this an on purpose pregnancy or accidental?? It’s such a miracle either way!!! But if it was accidental, can you please tell me what birth control method you were using so I can avoid it??

Can everyone please send me ideas for shower themes? Also Jen can you please try to limit your weight gain to the bump area only for the instagrams??

Love!!

“Auntie” Ali!

“Don’t believe me, just watch” – Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars, “Uptown Funk”


To: Katie, Nicole, Ash, Morgan, Ali
CC: Maggie, Julie, Sophie
From: Jen
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

Galpals,

I have to say, it’s like one day you’re 26 and your biggest problem is choosing a bloody or a mimmy to go with your brunch and the next minute you’re saddled with REAL problems like your overgrown belly makes it impossible to get a bikini wax! I know the whole point of parenthood is like, to sacrifice yourself for your child but I think I’m also sacrificing Brad’s sexual appetite. NOT GOOD since pregnancy makes you SO horny.

Nicole are you still doing brazilians out of your apartment’s supply closet? Can a friend get a discount lol? Baby McNeil will be sure to thank you one day!

Speaking of Baby McNeil, I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade but we’re choosing not to find out the sex of the baby. Brad and I agree it’s one of the last true surprises you get in life. We assume you’ll all understand (or will one day, when you’re mommys-to-be!)

Also on the subject of Baby Showers, the girls in my pre-natal sounds-of-the-rainforest yoga class (it’s sooo chill guys I wish I could bring you to it but it’s for pregos only…but I bet if you pre-gamed shake shack beforehand some of you could at least play off 3 months?? lmk) want to plan me a party!

And since they like, get what it means to be moms and live the rest of their lives with their hearts outside of their bodies do you guys mind if they spearhead this one? I thought it might be nice to give Ali a break since she’s literally been planning every weekend for us for the last 7 years. THX QUEEN.

I cc’d Margaret (BUT EVERYONE CALLS HER MAGGIE BC THERE ARE LIKE THREE MARGARETS IN YOGA LOL), Sophie, and Julie here.

Thanks ladies, knew I could count on you all! Baby McNeil is so lucky to have so many loving Aunties!!!!

xooxooxoxo

jen ‘momma’ mcneil

To: Katie, Nicole, Ash, Morgan, Ali, Jen, Julie, Sophie
From: Maggie
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

Hi Ladies!

Thanks so much for including me! This is going to be so much fun! It’s nice to “meet” you all!

I’m more than happy to help pitch in with the baby shower, but since I’m at 29 weeks myself it may be a little difficult for me to do a lot of legwork :)

I wanted to recommend a shower event planner, Showers by Lilly. They handle everything and are very reasonable. I think my sister-in-law’s shower came in at under 15k. I’m happy for my assistant to get in touch with her. I’m thinking a make-your-own-scented-candle station?

I know a bunch of you aren’t married yet, so it’s so sweet you want to help out with planning this! It’s so hard to keep in touch with your friends that aren’t married and don’t have kids, you’ll see. So it’s super cute you girls :)

Gotta run to a perineum massage!

All the best,

Maggie


To: Maggie, Nicole, Ash, Morgan, Ali, Jen, Julie, Sophie
From: Katie
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

Hi everyone,

Nice to “e-meet” you too, Maggie, Julie and Sophie!

I’m not pregnant but I am definitely married to my career right now. Would love to help out anyway I can — esp if maybe we can turn this into a visual piece for NYmag? Let me get back to you on that – I’ll let my editor know I have something in the works TK.

Can everyone throw a bunch of dates in the mix?

Katie


To: Katie, Nicole, Ash, Morgan, Ali, Jen, Julie, Sophie
From: Maggie
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

Well my due date is July 29th, Julie’s is September 11th (tragic — J, try to get a c-section for the 10th or the 12th! You don’t want to live with this.), and Sophie…remind me again???

Maggie


To: Maggie, Nicole, Ash, Morgan, Ali, Jen, Julie, Sophie
From: Katie
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

Oh I meant dates for like, availabilities…

Thanks!

Katie


To: Katie, Nicole, Ash, Morgan, Ali, Jen, Maggie, Julie
From: Sophie
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

I’m due on August 19th! Feels like I could pop any minute! Nice to “meet you!” guys by the way!

<3 Sophie Melissa-Renee Jamison <3


To: Katie, Nicole, Ash, Morgan, Ali, Jen, Sophie, Julie
From: Maggie
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

I’ll be in Sag Harbor most weekends this summer, but might be available the morning of July 25th if we can do it before 11:30am. Please advise.

Maggie Kennedy-Cuomo


To: Katie, Nicole, Ash, Morgan, Maggie, Jen, Sophie, Julie
From: Ali
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

Hi Ladies!

So great to “meet” you new girls too! Thanks SO much for those ideas– my assistant will look into them as well once she is done picking up my eco-friendly drycleaning! Looks like July 25th at noon works for everyone! For games, I was thinking it might be fun where everyone has to guess how much Jen weighs lol! Honestly, most baby shower games are SOOO boring, and unless we’re talking rompers, I have less than zero interest in onesies, just saying.

Can everyone throw out some (NON-BORING) ideas! I have a lot on my plate right now, and am literally getting my hair blown out while getting my feet rubbed, and I’m so exhausted.

<3 Ali


To: Katie, Ali, Ash, Morgan, Maggie, Jen, Sophie, Julie
From: Nicole
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

Hi Maggie, Sophie, and Julia! It’s great to “virtually” “meet” you all!

What if we played a game where we have to guess a celebrity baby based on their characteristics?? Sounds so fun right! We can use all the top babies from current times as well as yesteryear — Silas Timberlake, Suri, Vivienne and Knox, Shiloh, etc.

Also, what if we just ate baby-sized food? Like baby corn…and you know, some others! LMK!!!!

YAY BABIES!!!

Does anyone know if there’s a way to unsend a text??

xoxoxo, Nicole


To: Katie, Ali, Ash, Nicole, Maggie, Jen, Sophie, Julie
From: Morgan
Subject: RE: eating for two!! 

So great to “meet” everyone! It’s so weird to think about yesteryear babies that aren’t babies anymore, when you think about it.

Does everyone know what they’re naming their baby????

~Morgan


To: Katie, Ali, Ash, Nicole, Maggie, Jen, Morgan, Julie
From: Sophie
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

I know we all just “met” but I feel like I can tell you my hubbs and I are really into unisex names SOOOO *drum roll* if it’s a girl we’re naming her Ryan Jack Johnson. If it’s a boy we’re naming him Ryan Jack Johnson!

–Sophie


To: Katie, Ali, Sophie, Nicole, Maggie, Jen, Morgan, Julie
From: Ash
Subject: RE: eating for two!! 

Are you into Jack Johnson? (Nice to “meet” you guys btw!) 

–Ash


To: Katie, Ali, Ash, Nicole, Maggie, Jen, Morgan, Julie
From: Sophie
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

Not sure I understand.

–Sophie


To: Katie, Ali, Ash, Sophie, Maggie, Jen, Morgan, Julie
From: Nicole
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

LOL that’s too funny! I am naming my future daughter Ryan Gosling-John Mayer after his dads!

– Nic


To: Katie, Ali, Ash, Sophie, Nicole, Jen, Morgan, Julie
From: Maggie
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

He’s the one who did “your body is a wonderworld” right?

Maggie


To: Katie, Maggie, Ash, Sophie, Nicole, Jen, Morgan, Julie
From: Ali
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

Hey Ladies!

I just got done with my perineum massage also, and came back to all these emails lol! If you wouldn’t mind taking baby names off-line, that would be great!

I was thinking also, if it’s a boy, we should start gameplanning your baby’s circumcision. Brian has literally the most perfect d, I’d be happy to send along photos if you would like to model your baby’s penis after him. Also, I’m happy to look through pictures of dicks and show you the type of circumcision I prefer. Taste is so important.

Can someone take the lead on hiring a caterer and games and invites?? I’m just busy!

xoxo,

Ali


To: Katie, Ali, Ash, Sophie, Nicole, Jen, Morgan, Julie
From: Maggie
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

Hi girls,

Not sure how you received my cell phone number, but would it be alright if you took me off that group text of blurry penis photos? I am married.

The one with where it’s placed on the guitar though was really artfully shot, and I would be interested in purchasing that one in a higher rez as an art piece.

Thanks for your understanding.

Maggie


To: Katie, Ali, Ash, Sophie, Nicole, Jen, Morgan, Julie
From: Maggie
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

Circling back on this — is everything all set? I hate to make any requests at all, but I am gluten, nut, and synthetic-fiber free!

Yours,

Maggie


To: Katie, Ali, Ash, Maggie, Nicole, Jen, Morgan, Julie
From: Sophie
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

Wanted to bring to light a serious subject: for the crudites and dips, will everything be GMO free? Saw something on Facebook this weekend about dirt being found on certain vegetables? Can’t have that! Also, I’m eating for two!

Soph


To: Sophie, Ali, Ash, Maggie, Nicole, Jen, Morgan, Julie
From: Katie
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

Pinging back on July 25th, I realize this is the one weekend no one is giving birth but I’m on deadline.

Thanks! Katie.


To: Sophie, Ali, Ash, Maggie, Katie, Jen, Morgan, Julie
From: Nicole
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

How do you know if it’s 6 months out?????

Nicole

PS – – – I’ve been really into turning old jeans into cute purses lately if anyone’s interested! Setting up an Etsy soon

To: Sophie, Nicole, Ash, Maggie, Katie, Jen, Morgan, Julie
From: Ali
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

Hey Ladies!

Thank you SO much for all this feedback! I am eating for two also: myself, and also my future self. And I would like her to be as fierce as possible.

Looks like there’s just soooo many different scheduled to accommodate, so it might be easier if we break her shower into sections? Logistically it might be easier if I plan one for, off the top of my head, maybe me, Jen, Katie, Nicole, Morgan, Ashley, Caitlin, and Charlotte? Then whoever else is left can maybe plan their own separate shower? That might be kinda fun! More showers! YAY!! 

I’ve booked a venue and will need everyone to PayPal me for their share of party favors which is only $40 each :)

Love!!!

Ali

“Bitch, I got no feelings to go. I swear I’ve had it up to here I got no ceilings to go. I mean for real. Fuck how you feel.” ~ Big Sean


To: Sophie, Nicole, Ash, Ali, Katie, Jen, Morgan, Julie
From: Maggie
Subject: RE: eating for two!!

That’s a great idea!!! Since I’ve been juicing for two I can barely think straight. My baby has such artisanal taste :)

We are whisking Jen off to the Hamptons for a friend babymoon!!! It’s just so much easier to throw a party where I have full-time help.

All the best,

Maggie

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Caroline Moss is the deputy editor of culture at Tech Insider. She's also written for the New York Times and Cosmopolitan. She's tweeted over 100,000 times. Michelle Markowitz is a comedy writer, storyteller, and bachelorette party apologist in New York. She can be found subtweeting Cory Booker @michmarkowitz.

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