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Home: The Toast

Previously: How to handle criticism.

1. Writhe. If you writhe hard enough, and sinuously enough, the compliments will fall off of your body like water from a duck’s back, and you won’t have to deal with the strange, clinging feeling of them on your shoulders.

2. Carefully take off your skin and hand it to the compliment-giver. It’s their problem now.

3. Hiss softly until you have equalized your internal pressure.

4. If you know how to do backflips, do so many of them that whoever is trying to compliment you can no longer see you against the horizon.

5. Take the compliment to your Alchemy Dungeon and transmute it into something negative about yourself.

6. YOU’RE WRONG, YOU’RE WRONG, YOU’RE WRONG, YOU’RE WRONG, YOU’RE WRONG, YOU DON’T KNOW ME AT ALL AND YOU’RE WRONG

7. Pull out your fingernails and hurl them at the complimenter, screaming “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? IS THIS A FAIR EXCHANGE?”

8. Carefully wrap yourself around the leg of whoever praised you like a frightened cat, and force them to drag you around with them wherever they go for the rest of their natural life.

9. Find out what they’re trying to hide by saying nice things at you. Expose them.

10. Throw your entire throat into a river so that no one can ever talk to you again.

11. Downplay the compliment. Play it so far down you can pick it wriggling in your fingers and crush it under your thumb. Grind your knuckles into it, then blow the dust in your would-be admirer’s face.

12. Take to the sea.

13. CHOKE on the words “THANK YOU” so that you DIE and it’s ALL THEIR FAULT and if ONLY THEY HAD HONORED THE SOCIAL COMPACT by NEVER MENTIONING ANYTHING YOU DID WELL EVER, you would be alive today, and now you’re not, and they’ll never do it again.

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