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Home: The Toast

1. Bring the absolute smallest cat you can find in a carrier. No, smaller than that.

2. Draw attention to the fact that you brought the cat carrier into the store because you “didn’t want to leave him in the car,” so they know you are not the kind of person who leaves baby kittens in cars, not even for a second, you would carry a thousand baby kittens across a river before you even even tried to feed a sandwich to your own self because you don’t even care about yourself, just the kittens.

3. Bring up Sailor Moon. Wait until she points out that the tiny cat you’re carrying around with you looks like he’s wearing a suit, and then mention Tuxedo Mask while maintaining deliberate yet casual eye contact. Say it in a way that implies you would like to be her Tuxedo Mask.

4. Buy everything that she suggests, even though you’re only looking after him for a day before he goes to your friend Liz’ house for good. It’s too soon to start fighting.

5. Casually mention that you rescued the little kitten not on your own behalf, but for a friend. Drop your voice at least half an octave while you say this.

6. See if you can work Sailor Moon back into the conversation, to remind her of the good times, from before, when you two were talking about Sailor Moon.

7. Pretend not to know the difference between the different type of water bowls. Let her explain them to you. See? You’re already learning from each other.

8. Pay for your purchases, but meaningfully. You know how I mean.

9. Go home and take care of the kitten. They’ll come. Sooner or later, they will come.

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