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vin 3Previously in this series: If Archie Panjabi Were Your Girlfriend

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he wouldn’t mind that you spend every Sunday alone with your friends. “You’re not just friends, you’re a family,” he’d say while you get ready for brunch.

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would rewatch Gilmore Girls with you without argument. He would be staunchly Team Dean (much to your annoyance) until Dean cheats on Lindsay, at which point he would feel personally betrayed. He would always refer to Jess as “that punk” in his signature baritone growl.

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would both cry during the same scenes in Pacific Rim.

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would dedicate every karaoke song to you, loudly and without shame. “Is he singing ‘Rich Girl’?” your friend would whisper after the dedication. “Yes,” you’d reply and smile, because it’s weird but you like it.

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he’d never pressure you to go to the gym, but would enthusiastically tell you if you were squatting with the proper form whenever you ask. Whether you’re squatting with proper form would continue to be an unending mystery.

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would stay in some weekends to record lip dubs of that Carly Rae Jepson song. You would never share these videos with anyone else. You would be embarrassed, he would be proud.

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would never correct him if he misused words like “munificent” or “iconoclast.”

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would hold your nephew and laugh and look at you every time, amazed, as though you had anything to do with it.

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would constantly ask you to pick him up another pack of wifebeaters on the way home, and you’d grimace, because you’d wish he wouldn’t call them that, but the truth is you love him in a wifebeater.

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would shave his head every Sunday afternoon. You would consider it an act of foreplay, though you would never tell him this.

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would buy you your favorite candy, but ration it out and hide it from you because he knows you lack self control and sugar makes your face break out. You would be very vocal about how annoying this is, how paternalistic it is, but when you woke up the next day with smooth, clear skin you would be thankful and drop the issue, though you’d never admit that you’re glad he hid the fucking candy.

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would agree that you couldn’t both be drunk after that one time he passed out on top of you and you were too drunk to escape.

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would ask you frequently if “this hat looks cool” and you would always say “yes,” even though the answer would always be “no.” After a week of whatever new hat you had endured, you would lament that though you “loved the hat,” his bald head was one of your favorite things about him, and he would give said hat up, until he happened upon a new hat and the cycle began anew.

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would drink a lot of Moscato wine. More Moscato than you are comfortable with, to tell you the truth. But it’s his favorite, and relationships are “about compromise,” you’d think as you steeled yourself for another sip.

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would call him “Vin” when he tops and “Mark” when he bottoms.

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would make him read Chronicles of Riddick fanfiction aloud to you on the couch.

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would start a Twitter account exclusively to retweet your tweets. You would wake up a couple times a month to dozens of notifications, which would fill you with fear and excitement, and then annoy you once you realized they’re all from him.

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, your biggest arguments would center around where it is and isn’t appropriate to wear board shorts.

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would complain loudly about all the things you like “ironically” until you were forced to admit that you just actually, genuinely had a real interest in seeing The Age of Adaline in the theaters.

If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would shake your father’s hand and hug your mother and never call them anything but “sir” and “ma’am.” He would hold your hand for twenty minutes while you sit in the driveway of your childhood home, confidently assuring you that they’ll love him even though he is a man and not a pretty girl. He also wouldn’t take it personally when they did not love him, and would whisper in your ear “I am Groot” to cheer you up as you’re leaving. It will cheer you up.

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Joel Kim Booster is a comedian and writer living in Brooklyn and deep down really just wants everyone to like him.

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