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Home: The Toast

carPreviously in this series: If Vin Diesel Were Your Boyfriend

If Prince were your boyfriend he’d let you have your friends over for pancake breakfast, just because he knew they saw that Chappelle’s Show sketch and would get a kick out of it. You’d know that his real specialty is egg sandwiches on buttery bagels, and he saves them for you.

If Prince were your boyfriend he’d encourage you to buy as many jumpsuits as you want.

If Prince were your boyfriend he’d understand when you get nervous that he runs all his errands on his motorcycle. He’d never pressure you to join him, though someday, maybe a few years from now, you might.

If Prince were your boyfriend you’d both be nervous the first time you had sex. You, because c’mon, it’s Prince, and him because he knows his reputation precedes him. Of course he’s as incredible as rumored, but he doesn’t want to freak you out. The second time, though, he doesn’t hold back.

teachIf Prince were your boyfriend you’d accidentally say “I sincerely want to fuck the taste out of your mouth” in bed, and even though you were both naked and turned on you’d have to stop because you’re both laughing so hard. “I can’t believe I wrote that,” he’d say as he kissed your forehead. You’d lay there for a while, giggling it off with your arms around each other, and just when you thought you should probably put on clothes he’d bite your neck and grab your hip and it would be very, very serious.

If Prince were your boyfriend it could be hard sometimes. You’d go to early movies and make museums keep their doors open for you late at night. He’d never expect a life like that to be enough for you, and would have no problem with you keeping your own active social life. He’d text you 18 heart emoji every hour, though, and send around his car when he knew you were ready to come home.

If Prince were your boyfriend he’d admit that The Time should have won in Purple Rain. He’d talk about their “great showmanship” and then call Morris Day and apologize for not having kept in touch recently. The next week he and Jerome would come over for Mad Men and Game of Thrones.

If Prince were your boyfriend he’d enthusiastically jam with your dad, even though you’d insist he didn’t have to. “Naw don’t worry about it, your dad’s cool,” he’d say, and then he’d kiss you on the cheek and disappear into your dad’s basement. Three hours later you’d go down to see just what the hell they were doing, and they’d both be sobbing while trading guitar solos.

If Prince were your boyfriend your mom would be so fucking jealous.

If Prince were your boyfriend being a Jehovah’s Witness would never come up, because he knew if it did that would be it for you, and you are worth more.

If Prince were your boyfriend he’d introduce you to Janelle Monae, and she’d compliment your hair and you’d compliment her tuxedo, and she’d say “oh, you simply must get one of your own” and give you the name of her tailor.

If Prince were your boyfriend Under The Cherry Moon would finally make sense.

If Prince were your boyfriend you could borrow his eyeliner, though his shoes would be too small for you.

 

Illustrations by Matt Lubchansky and stolen from an earlier thing Jaya wrote about Prince.

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