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Previously in this series: If Vin Diesel Were Your Boyfriend

If Serena Williams were your girlfriend, you would automatically gain +20 skill points in any sport.

If Serena Williams were your girlfriend, you wouldn’t have to unload the dishwasher or wash dirty pots before cooking dinner, because she already did. Much like in tennis, she is always anticipating what’s coming and wants to make sure you aren’t stressed doing the things you love.

If Serena Williams were your girlfriend, exercise would cease to be painful drudgery and would feel like eating chocolate cream pie.

If Serena Williams were your girlfriend, you would get to fondle Common’s Oscar on the regular, because Serena stays friends with her exes. She’s chill like that.

If Serena Williams were your girlfriend, your relatives would stop asking you about your future plans for your uterus, because how could you top adding Serena Williams to the family?

If Serena Williams were your girlfriend, she would sometimes read the same romance novel you were so that you both could talk about it. She would also suggest romances you’d love without you even having to ask.

If Serena Williams were your girlfriend, you could crash any party you wanted. The hosts would be thrilled.

If Serena Williams were your girlfriend, the answer to “do you want to go to karaoke tonight?” would always be “yes.” All of your duets would involve choreography, but it would look perfectly natural. Venus would join you sometimes.

If Serena Williams were your girlfriend, you could text Venus whenever you had questions about the finer points of the DC Comics Universe. Venus would come over for sleepovers and you’d watch Arrow and The Flash together. Sleepovers would always end with drunken agreement that Gina Torres is the obvious choice for Wonder Woman and bitter curses of the day Gal Gadot was cast instead.

If Serena Williams were your girlfriend, you’d sit in the player’s box next to Oracene. Whenever she returned a serve by blazing it up the line for a winner, you would jump up and fist-pump, then high five Oracene before sitting back down.

If Serena Williams were your girlfriend, you would agree to respect her belief in Jehovah, and she would agree to respect your belief in Nicki Minaj.

If Serena Williams were your girlfriend, you would spend snow days sipping mulled rum cider under a couples’ Snuggie, basking in the warm luster of her five Venus Rosewater Dishes.

If Serena Williams were your girlfriend, she would reward you with a hearty “COME ON!” if you filed your taxes two months early or scored an awesome discount on Louboutin heels.

If Serena Williams were your girlfriend, you’d set aside your deep suspicion of unfettered nature to support her love of the outdoors.

If Serena Williams were your girlfriend, you’d finally have someone in your life who would never, ever, get tired of your shit-talking the McEnroe brothers.

If Serena Williams were your girlfriend, free Saturdays would be dedicated to your tireless search for the perfect brunch, bottomless mimosas, and your bucket list quest to hit up a karaoke joint in every major U.S. city.

If Serena Williams were your girlfriend, you would have a mutual agreement to never play against each other in board or video games, because it would not end well. You would instead form a formidable team and leave tears and pwnage in your wake. Your friends would be cool with this, because, I mean, she’s Serena Williams.

 

[Photo credit: Charles Thompson]

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Tope Fadiran is the founder and editor of Are Women Human?, a space for queer feminist and critical race analysis of religion, media, and pop culture, and a contributing editor at Racialicious. Follow her on Twitter at @graceishuman. Jessica Luther is a journalist who mainly writes on sports. And she just really loves tennis, like a whole lot. Find her on Twitter at @scATX.

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