Previously: Sad queer novels, fixed.
Bette Porter breaks up with long-time girlfriend Tina after learning that Tina objects to their using a black sperm donor. They never speak again. After several months of mourning, Bette embarks upon a surprising, intellectually stimulating relationship with Peggy Peabody, a fascinating and challenging patron of the arts.
A young widower, Tim Haspel, moves next door after having lost his wife Jenny in a tragic carnival accident. Local tennis player Dana Fairbanks embarks on a tentative relationship with sous chef Lara Perkins. Exactly the same things happen to Shane as before. Someone else has to hook up with Marina, right? Let’s go with Kit.
Also, no one dates Lisa.
After catching Dana cheating on her with Alice, Tonya hires Joyce Wischnia to finalize their quickie divorce. Shane rejects the roommate application of a strange young filmmaker named Mark and decides to move in with Carmen. Bette and Kit struggle to connect with their father Melvin after he reveals he’s dying. Alice and Dana form a warm and exciting throuple with Lara Perkins.
Billie Blaikie and Kit have a wonderful time running the new show at the Planet. Kit meets and falls for incredibly loyal nanny Angus Bradshaw, who is capable of fidelity and treats her like a queen. LA transplant Moira moves to the neighborhood, and everyone is incredibly comfortable with the way Moira chooses to dress and identify, whether that’s using the word “butch” around Shane or eventually coming out as Max.
Carmen obviously can’t attend the opening party at WAX because she’d be an idiot to give up the chance to work with Russell Simmons. Shane totally gets that, and supports her decision. Despite seeing evidence of her father’s continued inability to maintain a long-term relationship, Shane realizes she is in no way destined to follow in his footsteps, and does not abandon Carmen at the altar in British Columbia, because she is not an idiot. Also, Cherie Jaffe starts dating Tonya. Weirdly, it works. Helena never forgives Dylan after her unbelievably horrific legal and personal betrayal. Years later, Dylan is able to come out, but never attempts to speak to Helena again, out of respect for her privacy. Helena ends up with that hot cop Lucy Lawless would have played in season six, if there had ever been a season six (there is no season six).
Dana still dies, but at least Alice is in the room holding her hand when it happens. Sorry.
SHANE AND CARMEN GET TO KEEP SHAY. Janina Gavankar is allowed to play a character of her own ethnic background (let’s call her Lily), and it’s remarkable. Kit tires of Angus, dumps him, then hooks up with Lily for the rest of the season. Everything with Phyllis and Alice happens in exactly the same way, because it’s too good.
Alice finally meets Tasha. They have a flawless relationship for the next two seasons, and also forever, and they never meet anyone named Jamie, and they do that big kiss-and-twirl scene from that episode where they defeat Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell singlehandedly and also turn Kelly McGillis gay. Lots of Joyce Wischnia scenes, and someone should date Paige besides Shane, because Kristanna Loken is too good to not use…Bette! Bette dates her, and they wear a lot of color-coordinated power suits. At least one episode is dedicated just to Helena and Catherine having sex in gold-encrusted ballgowns on a baccarat table.
Max and Tom still date, because they were cute, and have a long and happy life together. No kids, but a lot of hours spent working on home-carpentry projects.
“As Helena slowly adjusts to prison life, her angry mother, Peggy, finally arrives to post her bail.” NOTHING ABOUT THIS CHANGES. Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindi roll into town, and Carmen agrees to let Shane off the monogamy leash for a few days. The rest of the season is devoted to chronicling the massive street war that erupts between The Planet and SheBar. Phyllis and Joyce run off and get married, while Lily seduces Phyllis’ daughter Molly. Bette and Jodi move in together. There is no “Lez Girls.” The season is bookended by Tasha and Alice’s wedding, complete with one of those things where all her Army buddies hold their rifles up in a big aisle and they both run down it and everyone throws rice at them and it’s sort of heteronormative but also you can’t fight City Hall ALL THE TIME, you guys, and it’s much cuter than it is heteronormative, so they do it.
THERE IS NO SEASON SIX.
There, it’s fixed. You’re all very welcome.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.