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Home: The Toast

Previously in this series: If Gillian Anderson Were Your Girlfriend.

If Harrison Ford were your boyfriend, he would let you and only you quote lines from his movies* in casual conversation. You would both get an especially big kick out of using the tunnel exchange from The Fugitive. He would say “I didn’t accidentally bleach the color clothes,” and you would yell “I DON’T CARE!” just like Tommy Lee Jones did, and you would both have a good laugh. 

If Harrison Ford were your boyfriend, you would lovingly run your hands over the cherry wood butcher block countertops that he cut, installed, sanded and finished for you. You would bake him apple pies with homemade crust that you roll out on the counter. You would never have sex on this counter. Because if Harrison Ford were your boyfriend, you would want him to know that you truly respect his artistry and craftsmanship, so would therefore never sully the counter with bodily fluids.

If Harrison Ford were your boyfriend, he would hop in one of his planes and fly to the next county to get you the steaks you like from that one ranch, and when people raise their eyebrows and say, “Isn’t that a bit excessive,” you just shrug and respond “You know Harry,” which of course no one knows Harry like you know Harry. And Harry knows that you need your steaks marbled just so.

If Harrison Ford were your boyfriend, he would take a really long time to send texts because he’s older than your dad. But it’s kind of adorable, so you always send him kissy face emojis that you don’t expect him to respond to.

If Harrison Ford were your boyfriend, you would consult a thesaurus constantly to look up synonyms for rakish, because he has such rakish charm, but you don’t want to constantly use that word.

If Harrison Ford were your boyfriend, you guys would lay in bed sometimes and perform sarcastic readings of self-aggrandizing Facebook posts for each other because that sort of thing is far better than anything that comes on television, except for Empire, which Harrison Ford will occasionally watch with you. He pretends to resent it, but then one morning you catch him singing “Drip Drop” in the shower.

If Harrison Ford were your boyfriend he would leave you mixtapes on cassette and send you letters in the mail when he was away filming movies. He keeps a working tape player and VHS player in the house, which tickles your obsolete media fancies. What Harrison Ford doesn’t know is that you low key use the VHS to rewatch Star Wars over and over because the versions on videotape are the only ones that don’t have those digital additions you hate.

Also, if Harrison Ford were your boyfriend you don’t actually ever talk about Star Wars. Ever. In fact, Harrison Ford only became your boyfriend because you managed to convince him that you were absolutely not (“I swear!” you said on the first date) harboring any latent Han Solo fantasies of him swaggering around in tight pants, blaster on hip, saying and doing scoundrel-type things and yelling “YOU COULD USE A GOOD KISS!” every now and again. When Harrison Ford says “I love you,” you always say “I love you” back, even though what you really want to do is smize and say “I know.”

If Harrison Ford were your boyfriend, he would make brunch and never suggest that you try an omelette because he knows how much you hate eggs. He never wants you to feel awkward about this when you two go to his son’s house for brunch, so he tells your son beforehand and gets him to make you something with a bacon weave. Harrison Ford, your ever-considerate paramour, knows that bacon is a separate food group to you.

If Harrison Ford were your boyfriend, you would have a separate closet at your house for him full of Ace bandages, heating pads, aspirin and a list of emergency numbers, because, well, let’s face it, Harrison Ford gets into shit sometimes.

If Harrison Ford were your boyfriend, holidays would be great because he actually plays spades really well (you found this out on your third date, when you doubled with George and Mellody), so your family loves him. Everyone wants to be his partner because he never reneges and always gives that lopsided grin when he gets all of his books. You both trash talk opponents, but when he’s partnered against your favorite aunt, he always lets her win.

If Harrison Ford were your boyfriend you would have started wearing his chambray shirts all over the house, comfortably happy in the way that you swim in all of his clothes. He doesn’t even mind when you inevitably spill coffee all over the front of the shirt because it gives it that lived-in-look. And your man Harrison Ford needs a closet full of rugged-looking work shirts for when he’s rescuing kitten-holding Cub Scouts lost in the mountains on random Tuesday nights.

If Harrison Ford were your boyfriend, you would occasionally smell smoky because eventually he’s going to teach you how to build a fire. You’re not as resentful about this as you originally imagined, but you still hate being in the woods around all the mosquitos. You will not pretend about this for Harrison Ford. You grudgingly admit that you now know how to make a damn good s’more.

If Harrison Ford were your boyfriend, your friends would tell you that they’re secretly jealous you’re with a guy who actually handles things like an adult without all of the hipster ennui. You come to appreciate the straightforward way he approaches all of life’s problems, because Harrison Ford, your boyfriend, hates waffles unless they’re on a plate covered in syrup. But Harrison would never make you feel bad for wasting your 20s on hipster boys with their ennui. He simply says, “I’m going to fix that loose hinge on the bathroom door because it’s bothering the hell out of me,” and you say “Thanks!” and beam like someone just lit 1,000 candles behind you.

*Except for Star Wars. Seriously, never bring this up if you want Harrison Ford to be your boyfriend.

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Stacie Williams is a writer and librarian living in Lexington, KY. She tweets incessantly at @wribrarian.

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