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Home: The Toast

MAZARIN: sire, Paris is revolting
LOUIS XIV: lol youre damn right it is
MAZARIN: sire please
you make that joke every time there is a revolution
and it is a very good one
but there is an actual mob at the gates
LOUIS XIV: so stay away from the gates then
this place has like sixty rooms
go find another one

 

MAZARIN: sire, the leaders of the petty German states are here
LOUIS XIV [skateboarding across the Hall of Mirrors]: lol petty is right
MAZARIN: they seek protection from the Hapsburgs
LOUIS XIV [rolling out of sight]: petty bitcheeeessss

 

LOUIS DUC D’ENGHEIN: my lord, wake up
you are needed for the signing of the treaty of Westphalia
LOUIS XIV: treaty of westfailia is right
LOUIS DUC D’ENGHEIN: yes, quite right, my liege
we must make haste
LOUIS XIV: no
shit
it’s a homophone
LOUIS DUC D’ENGHEIN: quite
LOUIS XIV: no
shut up
we’re not leaving until you get the joke
bring me a peasant to write on

 

MINISTER GASTON: my lord, I congratulate you on coming of age and taking the throne in your own right
who will you name as your chief minister
LOUIS XIV: [gestures to his dick]
MINISTER GASTON: my Lord?
LOUIS XIV: write that down
MINISTER GASTON: write what down
LOUIS XIV: write that the King gestured to his dick for chief minister

 

LOUIS XIV: Edict of Nantes
more like
more like Edict of can’t
tell me what to do
HENRI: very good, my lord
LOUIS XIV: SHUT UP
THAT WAS A PRACTICE JOKE

 

PHILIP: Lord, the Camisards have rebelled against the dragoons again
LOUIS XIV: uuuugh
can they Huguenot
hahaha
that was a good one
send a message to them
tell them I said that
PHILIP: Yes, Lord
LOUIS XIV: also, obviously
kill them all
tell them i said that and then kill them all

 

LE TELLIER: my liege
LOUIS XIV: before you say anything
I defy you to show me where in the laws of the Court it says that the King cannot ride a member of the noblesse d’épée like a happy little pony
LE TELLIER: I –
LOUIS XIV: you can’t
PHILIPPE: I consider it a great honor, Le Tellier
LOUIS XIV: SAY IT IN HORSE
PHILIPPE: neigh

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